Division 12's New Captain
by BigBoom550
Summary: Welcome to Division 12. No, we don't know what that is either. -ON HOLD-
1. Chapter 1: Cooking and Ban Kai

Based off the episode where Yamamoto acts like he's going to cook. Also, I don't own Bleach. Yamamoto would BAN-KAI me back to work on something else.

The following takes place 200 years after Bleach.

* * *

"I have called you all here for a matter of grave importance."

The assembled Captains all carefully watched Yamamoto.

Second Division, Soi Fon. A petite woman, she had her hair back in dual wraps. Her Zanpakto, Suzumebachi, hung at her waist.

Third Division, Rose.

Fourth Division, Retsu Unohana, without a doubt the scariest woman in Soul Society.

Fifth Division, Shinji Hirako.

Sixth Division, Renji Abarai.

Seventh Division, Sajin Komamura.

Eighth Division, Shunsui Kyoraku. As always, he looked like he'd rather be somewhere else.

Ninth Division, Kensei Muguruma.

Tenth Division, Toushirou Hitsugaya. He finally got some height, standing nearly as tall as Kenpachi.

Eleventh Division, Kenpachi Zaraki. As always, Yarichu on his back.

Twelfth Division, Thomas Johnson. And here we launch into an explanation. Thomas killed Mayuri, flipping him off as his Ban Kai faded away, and took over division twelve. He's six and a half feet tall, with jet black hair stuck slightly back, keeping it out of his face. He's arrogant, sarcastic, and the only one not afraid of Unohana. Having come from America, his Zanpakto and knowledge is based off of western myth- Yggdrasil, his sword, can rend the earth in shikai, having turned into a broadsword. In Ban Kai, it creates a forest of trees. The unusual part of this is that Thomas can moved through the trees, using them as portals. Combined with shunpo, his speed increases to the point where he can turn invisible and strike from anywhere.

And Thirteenth, Jushiro Ukitake.

They stood before Yamamoto, who looked oddly serious. "Captain Johnson. I take it that the living world is under control for now?"

Johnson nodded. "Yes sir. Substitute Shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki is on patrol, along with Lieutenant Urahara on seal control. We could literally be gone for days."

Yamamoto smiled, and Johnson flinched. The Captain Commander only smiled when something fun came up...

_Fun? Yamamoto? Oh gods, no..._

"Excelent. Everyone, we will be going on a training exercise."

_No... this can't be happening..._

"...we will be cooking."

Kenpachi gaped, Ukitake had a coughing fit, Johnson facepalmed, Mugurumura rolled his eyes, and the rest of the captains traded looks of abject horror.

Except Unohana, who stated "it's a wonderful idea."

Everyone turned to look at her as if she was crazy.

"We'll start tomorrow."

"Captain Unohana, have you lost your mind?" demanded Renji.

"We'll start tomorrow." stated Unohana. It wasn't up for debate.

A chorus of "Yes Ma'am." came from the assembled Captains- Even Yamamoto.

* * *

Johnson rubbed his eyes, staring at the creation floating in the tank.

He'd dug through Mayuri's notes, an impressive feat with how much he babbled about his greatness, and discovered his notes on Nemu. Twelve hours, two hundered pounds of biomass, and a half-pint of sake from Rangiku later, he finally created something that he could use to keep watch over the Division while he was gone. ALthough he was a hard worker, Urahara was a little strange at times...

He shook that thought off. Turning back to the tank, he realized the woman inside was naked, and suffered a horrendous nosebleed.

Urahara bolted in. "Captain!"

He noticed the tank, then giggled, hiding his face behind a fan.

"Urahara..."

"Sorry captain."

"Shut up and fetch me a mop, or I'll tell everyone about your Ban Kai."

Urahara paled. "Of course."

* * *

Captain Unohana hummed as she went about her work preparing the Division for her absence.

"Captain!"

She turned. "Hello, Isane. Is everything in order?"

"Yes. The Twelfth division will supply the requested items."

"Very good. Thomas is always so nice."

Isane nodded. Now, if the captain wouldn't talk about her sudden match-making idea-

"Maybe you should talk to him more."

Isane flinched. "But Captain-"

"Talk to him more, Isane."

"Yes captain."

* * *

Renji swore as he looked over the cook book. "Ikkaku! Yamichika!"

The two bolted in. "Yeah?"

"How the hell do you read this thing!?"

* * *

Rangeku let out a startled yelp as Hitsugaya swiped her bottle. "Hey!"

"Captains privlages."

She pouted, knowing that he had a tough meeting with Yamamoto. Then she noticed the book under his arm.

_Cooking for Dummies: The Stove and You_

* * *

"...and that's the story."

Yourichi giggled as she listned to Urahara's tale. "The Captains have a cooking class?"

"Afraid so. I've never seen Captain Johnson so upset."

She smiled. "Keep him on his toes. Besides, this should be the last time this happens. Yamamoto probably forgot that Toshirou hates stoves. Or fire."

There was a laugh. "Alright. Call you later."

* * *

THE NEXT DAY- DAY ONE

* * *

The captains filed into the meeting room.

Yamamoto looked postively excited.

Soi Fon looked indifferent, but anyone who knew her moods knew it meant righteous fury, inbound.

Renji had a twitching eye.

Hitsugaya was trying to keep calm and not Ban Kai the building down.

Unohana had the eternal pleasant smile on her face.

"Alright, everyone. Let's get the First Annual Shinigami Captain Cooking Class off to a good start!"

Johnson leaned over to Kenpachi. "Can't we just fight and then have a drink?"

Kenpachi's mouth quirked up at the corners.

"Now, you'll all need to use you Zanpakto for this- yes Johnson."

"I fail to see how a broadsword, a cleaver sword, redwood trees-that don't burn, mind you- and earthquakes have to do with cooking."

Yamamoto sighed. "Just try."

"Egg beater?"

One eye opened. "Captain Johnson."

"Understood, sir. Shutting up now, sir."

"Good. Now, you'll all need to try to..."

* * *

Urahara sniffed the air from the underground labs. Did he smell something burning?

His captain staggered in, burnt, tired, and clearly grumpy.

Two shinigami rushed forward to aid him, while Urahara grabbed some burn paste.

"How'd you end up like this?"

"...It's complicated."

"Tell me."

"Okay... we were going over the plans for the next WEEK, when Yamamoto got exited. He jumped up, and went straight into Shikai."

"Oh..."

"It gets better. Renji told him, and Yamamoto denied it, saying, 'Would I be able to do this, then? BAN KAI."

Urahara flinched. "So that's what I felt earlier."

"Unohana had to yell to get him to seal it."

Urahara nodded. "Impressive. I see good things for your class. Didn't even touch the stoves, and you already burnt stuff."

"Hey! I can already cook!"

"...Ramen and instant macaroni don't count."

"Damnit."

* * *

Kenpachi smiled as he walked into the barracks.

"This is going to be a fun class."

His men exchanged nervous glances. Kenpachi Zaraki, smiling at a cooking class? The world was coming to an end.

* * *

"Isane, could you take this to Captain Johnson?"

"Sorry, Ma'am. Have to finish the paperwork."

"Isane. Take this to the Divison 12 Barracks."

"Yes Ma'am."

* * *

One of Johnson's greatest inventions was also the most comforable: The Desk Bed.

Simply put, his desk also functioned as a bed, the top flipping and revealing a matress, with a simple reitasu drainer and gravity kido keeping the contents of his desk in order.

He sighed. Cooking. Of course, Yamamoto would jump on that. The one thing that could get the captain to move energetically outside of battle.

He rolled his shoulders slightly, and closed his eyes, focusing on his memories of the room.

His Haori over his chair, along with his shirt.

The credenza on the left wall, with all the pictures on it.

The 'Basket of Rejected Ideas." In essence, the entire corner of the room had been turned into a giant wad of paper from all the ideas he rejected. It started after his first day, when he considered bringing back Mayuri to deal with some of the crap that he had done. What the hell were "Hollow-hunting watermelons", anyway? he had noticed a side note about "strange preferences" and "Nemu's request". He didn't touch the file after that. Some things were better left unknown.

There was a knock on his door. "Urahara, damnit."

Knock again. Not Urahara.

"Come in."

The door opened, and Isane walked in, carrying a small white jar.

"Captain, my apologies. Captain Unohana wanted me to bring you this."

Johnson opened one eye. "Hmm?"

She was pointedly staring anywhere but at him.

_'Whoo boy, she's a keeper! I can just see it, the sexy young lieutenant walks into the captains office, and-' _Yggdrasil rambled on about several acts that Johnson would NOT subject his desk/bed to. Especially in the 12th division.

_'One, you're seeing the first part. Second, shut up.'_

"Thank you. Set it on the credenza. Anything else?"

"No, sir."

"Good." He closed his eye again. After a few minutes, he opened it again. "What?"

Isane blushed and looked away. "N-nothing, sir."

"Good." He listened as Isane's footsteps faded away, and paused at his door. After a moment, they faded away entirely.

A few seconds later, he raised a hand and counted down.

_Three... two... one._

"You're getting better."

He opened an eye again to see Yourichi looking at him. "Come to see Kisuke?"

"Yeah. He never calls."

"He did earlier."

"And hung up early. I'm just getting my due."

He rolled his eyes, not sitting up. "I've had a trying day."

"Aww. No time for me, or did your girlfriend get you all tuckered out?"

"No, it- what. Did. You. Say?"

"Aww. Your first romance."

"Shut up."

The former captain of the second division picked up the small jar. "You really don't like healing kido, do you?"

"No."

She opened the jar and took a sniff. "Burn paste. I take it Yamamoto got a little excited?"

"Not a little. A lot excited."

He turned over, and she spread some of the paste on his back. "He did the same thing to us once. Got Unohana to rope us into it."

"Ow."

"Paste or incident?"

"Incident."

She smiled. "I feel so sorry for you. It only gets worse."

Johson groaned, and Yourichi chuckled.

"Hey. Better not let Soi Fon see this. She might think you have a thing for me."

Yourichi raised an eyebrow. "That's not my fault."

"Turning into a naked woman from a cat in front of her is still mean, though."

The Goddess of Flash took the oppurtunity to jab a finger into his back.

"Ow."

* * *

Ikakku and Yamicuika stared at a rather burnt Renji.

"Wow... boss..."

Renji glared at his former master and his ever-present partner. "Shut up."

* * *

The vice-captains all assembled in the room. The only one absent was Isane.

"I think..." started Kisuke Urahara, "That our captains are in for a rude time."

"I agree, we need to do something to snap them away from Unohana's control." stated Yourichi, now Lietenant of Division Two.

The other Lieutenants nodded.

"But how? Captain Yamamoto is so excited, and only Captain Johnson can resist Captain Unohana."

"True, but what if we create a scenario to fake the death of a captain?"

Everyone looked at Kisuke as if he was crazy.

"Kisuke..." started the cat lying next to him. "Where are you going with this?"

"Simple. Let loose a couple hollows, have a captain act like they're drunk, then stuff the captain in a gigai, and keep him near Ichigo. The sheer pressure should mask the sign of the captain, Yamamoto loses interest, and the Captains get out of the class! Simple!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Kisuke Urahara... that is singlehandedly the stupidest and smartest idea I've heard to date."

The blond grinned. "I've got some more, but Johnson hates me talking about them."

"Like what?"

"Mayuri puppets."

There was the sound of a resounding facepalm.

* * *

Johnson placed one hand over his eyes as he stared at his vice-captain.

"Urahara. You honestly believe that my 'death' will prevent the captains from dealing with Yamamoto's cooking class."

"That's the idea. We set loose a few hollows, you act like you were drunk, reign in your energy, jump into a gigai, and we toss you into the real world for a bit."

Both hands came up to rub his face. "Kisuke..."

"Hey, if you don't go, Unohana will make me go in your place."

"And how do I 'die'?"

"I was thinking Vasto Lordes, Ban Kai, fade away."

"...fine. We'll try it. When?"

The wall of his office exploded, and a pale figure stepped in.

Urahara grinned. "I was thinking now."

"Urahara... when this is over with... I'm going to kill you."

* * *

**And that, ladies and gentlemen, is another one I'll idly be working on. Personally, I feel that multiple projects will keep me sane. Honestly, though, I've hit writers block in my main fic. Man, that's an annoying little thing... I just can't figure out what to do. I'm not sure if this is a one-shot or multiple parts, but I like the slightly different universe I created here. Anyway, I'll upload the interactions with other main characters later.**


	2. Chapter 2: Yamamoto

Now, to clarify things, Johnson had been with the Gotei 13 before this, so let's hear the tales of him meeting the other members of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads.

THE F*******! IT CRASHED BEFORE I SAVED THE FIRST TIME! ARGH!

* * *

Round One: Captain Commander Yamamoto

Time: 150 years before present

Begin!

* * *

Johnson rolled his shoulders. Now, now was the time when Yamamoto would interview him for his position as Head of the Shinigami Institute of Research and Development.

Well, Urahara had done it, as had Mayuri, so mental stability wasn't an issue...

He sighed. Angering Yamamoto was a last mistake, period. Potentially the Captain Commander was upset over Mayuri's death. He'd have to tread lightly.

Gently opening the door, he bowed and took a seat where Yamamoto gestured.

"Captain Johnson. I trust that you have familiarized yourself with Division Twelve?"

"In all honesty, I'm not sure anyone could become _familiar _with anything Mayuri created, but I'm trying, Sir."

Yamamoto nodded. "I understand. Many times, I wanted to remove him. However, no one was powerful or smart enough to take over in his absence. He ensured that I could not force a Lieutenant upon him with the creation of Nemu."

Johnson nodded, and waited for Yamamoto would speak.

"Now, Captain." started the aged shinigami, "Do you feel that you, and whoever you select as Lieutenant, can adequately run the Shinigami Institute?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Have you selected a Vice Captain?"

"Sir. I would like to request that Kisuke Urahara is allowed to be my Vice Captain. He has proven his worth and intelligence, and I would like him at my side."

_'Just a heads up. Yamamoto's sword is sending off wierd vibes. Tread lightly.'_ warned Yggdrasil from the corner of his mind.

_'Thanks for the save.'_

_'Yeah, but you go hitting on anyone, I'm not warning you.'_

Johnson resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"Captain Johnson."

"Sir!"

"What happened? You appeared to lose focus for a moment."

"Communicating with my sword, sir. He had something to say, sir."

Yamamoto nodded. "In any event, I shall consider your request. Now, you must prove that you can withstand the battles you may have to fight as a captain."

The door opened, and Yarichu skipped in, picked up a bowl of sugar, and skipped out again, humming.

Johnson blinked several times. "Is that normal, Sir?"

"Of course. The child is the only thing that keeps Captain Zaraki in line, when she needs to. Now, the captains will see our fight to decide if you can handle the pressure."

Johnson felt his stomach drop. This would hurt.

* * *

Captain Hitsugaya snorted from where he was standing. "He's acting like he's going to actually fight."

Kenpachi knocked him in the head. "Of course he is! He wouldn't be a captain if he couldn't fight."

Rangiku knocked back another bottle. Ukitake coughed.

Johnson and Yamamoto watched each other from across the field.

"What's his Shikai, anyway? It will have to be good to fight against the Captain Commander."

"Who knows? Taking out Mayuri without it, though... he was fair. Mayuri was rambling, and he died for it."

Kenpachi laughed. "That was clever. Rammed his Zanpakto down his own throat. Nice touch."

Soi Fon rolled her eyes. "A bit insulting, actually."

"Yay! Jonny and Scar-san are going to fight! Isn't this fun, Kenny?"

Kenpachi smirked at his Lieutenant's actions. "Yeah. Just hold on tight. If he has it, he'll release his Ban Kai. We don't know what will happen."

Unohana dropped her hand, and the Captain Commander was shooting for Johnson.

Raising his sword, Johnson yelled, "Brjóta jörðina, Yggdrasil!" (Break the earth, Yggdrasil)

His Zanpakto lengthened into a five foot sword, narrow, with a tree motif on the blade.

"Yggdrasil..." murmured Hitsugaya. "The World Tree..."

The captains watched as Johnson struck the earth, sending a wave of rock at the Captain Commader.

Yamamoto leapt over, and then flash stepped behind Thomas, and they engaged in sword play.

* * *

Parrying another strike to his ribs, Johnson twisted his sword under Yamamoto's guard, barely raking the sword across his skin.

_'Wow. This guy is TOUGH. His strikes are ridiculous, and he hasn't even used Shikai! Man, we need to wrap this up FAST.'_

_'I'm with you. Earthquake.'_

He Shunpo'd away, then dug his sword into the ground. "Leyfa crevice að mynda!" (allow the crevice to form)

A pulse shot away from the sword, and the ground convoluted as spikes erupted from the ground, barely nicking Yamamoto's finger. It didn't even draw blood.

Ripping his sword free, Johnson leapt up, and held his sword to the side.

"BAN KAI!"

* * *

The captains felt the earth tremble, and then watched as two things occurred.

First, Johnson's sword changed into a nine-foot cleaver, with a five foot handle, a vine running along the back.

Second, under him a massive tree erupted, seeding smaller trees around.

"Búa til skóginum við að deyja skurðarblöðum!" (Create the Forest of Dying Blades)

He slipped back, and the captains watched him fade into the tree.

"Well..." muttered Kenpachi. "That's fancy."

"But look." pointed Komamura. "The central tree is the anchor. If that is destroyed, he's out of luck."

* * *

Slipping out behind Yamamoto, Johnson took a swing with the massive blade, barely nicking Yamamoto, drawing only a drop of blood from the aged captain.

"Well done, captain. However..."

He raised his sword. "Reduce all creation to ash."

The sword came alive with flames, and Yamamoto dashed towards the massive central tree.

'_Uh oh. This is going to hurt.'_

He drove his sword into the tree, and Johnson felt his energy pour into maintaining the tree.

Diving forward, he drove the flat of the blade between the tree and Yamamoto, slipping into the tree and using his momentum to try to pry Yamamoto away.

Then, suddenly, he felt his sword break.

'_AAARGH!'_

Johnson felt it too, like his heart being ripped in two, and he fell unconcious.

* * *

Waking up, he stared around him for a few minutes, then did a cursory check over his body.

_'Arms, legs, chest, head, hair, dangly bits... yeah, I'm intact.'_

_'Yeah... you are... I feel like, put politely, Division Four members in Kenpachi's office.'_

_'Dead?'_

_'Not quite...'_

"Good. You are awake."

He looked over to see Captain Unohana, with Isane behind her.

"Captain Unohana. How long have I been out?"

"About three days. Your exertions, combined with your Zanpakto breaking, left you unconscious. Yggdrasil resealed itself, and we took you here, so you could recuperate. When you get the chance, Captain Commader Yamamoto would like to speak to you."

Nodding, Johnson gently pulled himself up. "Thanks. Why are my ribs so sore?"

_'Sorry. With my Earth affinity, it causes advanced healing. I think it conflicted with the accelerated form of Healing Kido.'_

"Never mind. Yggdrasil explained. May I leave?"

"In a moment. Isane, I have to take care if some paperwork. Would you please take a look at Captain Johnson?"

"Yes, Captain."

Noticing his shirt, he made to pull it over, but Isane stopped him.

"Just hold still. This will only take a moment."

His back itched as she passed a hand over him, glowing with a strange light.

"Your back took the worst of it. When your Zanpakto snapped, the momentum slammed you into a tree before you could send the command to... phase?"

"That's about right. So I was hurt just before it faded away?"

"Yes. By the way, what is your Ban Kai called?"

"Vaxandi blóð skógurinn. Growing Blood Forest."

"Oh..."

"Normally I only call one tree, but I cut loose against Yamamoto."

Isane finished the scan. "All set. You're ready to leave."

Nodding, he donned his shirt, then his Haori, noticing it had a substantial burn around the base, creating a root-like appearance.

"Nice. At least I get a little reminder."

"Of what?"

"That someone, some where, can always kick my ass."

Rolling his shoulders, he looked around, and spotted Yggdrasil leaning against the wall.

"There you are!"

He picked up the sword and looked it over. "Alright, blade's normal, grip solid, you good to go?"

_'Take a look at my pommel, barbarian.'_

_'What about- oh, the nick?'_

_'IT HURTS!'_

_'That's like... a paper cut...'_

Isane couldn't help but giggle as she saw the Captain sweat drop. He was clearly talking with his sword.

Then, he rolled his eyes, and attached the sword to his back.

"That's that, Drama queen..."

He listened to another comment.

"I didn't know Zanpakto could actually DO that..."

Isane frowned. What was the sword saying?

"No..."

A pause, then...

"Okay. That is WAY too much information for comfort."

Then...

"No, I wasn't going to suggest that..."

Three seconds later.

"Okay, it's official. I have the most perverted sword in Soul Society."

Isane rolled her eyes as the Division Twelve captain walked out the door. Well, Twelve certainly had the strange ones.

* * *

**Well, here's my idea. I'll be going over the interactions with some of the main characters, the other Captains, Mayuri's experiments "(seriously. Hollow-hunting fruit? WTH?), and some side characters.**

**Yeah, that's his Shikai and Ban Kai. Shikai lets him toss boulders and rocks, Ban Kai creates a massive forest that allows him to move around at extreme speeds. I tried to keep the fight with Yamamoto realistic, as it could be, so that he would barely do any damage to Yamamoto, and would get his ass kicked. Personally, I think I was being generous with the three day wipeout. Anyway, next up is Soi Fon, Yourichi, Ishida, Orihime, and Mayuri's Burrito Experiment.**

**Why stop at watermelons, when you can have ALL the foods be deadly?**

**OMAKE**

Johnson stared at the foil wrapped object before him.

On one hand, he was a captain, and it was his responsibility to study anything and everything unique as Twelve's captain.

On the other hand, what sat before him could be the deadliest object known to man, Shinigami, Hollow, Arrancar, Visored, and everything else that existed.

He turned to the shaky 4th medic behind him, who was convinced he would be the subject of some gruesome experiment.

"Alright, Hanotarou, was it?"

The medic nodded, not speaking.

"I'm going to open this. At the slightest sign of danger, you pull me away and try to heal me. Okay?"

The medic started. He was being called into the Division Twelve Labs to do his job, not be dissected?

"O-of course, Sir."

"Okay..."

Carefully, Johnson pulled up one corner of the foil. The stench nearly knocked him out, and he was convinced that whatever lay underneath was deadly to anything.

Slamming it back down, he sealed the containment chamber and threw the package into the vault, where all the "Really, _really _screwed up stuff went."

Thanking the medic, he went back up to the Captain Commander and Captain Unohana, both waiting in the Barracks.

"It's official..."

The captains both raised an eyebrow.

"...letting Kenpachi anywhere near a stove _will _end in disaster."

* * *

**LOL! Sorry, no Mayuri burritos, not this time. But, hey... Urahara shows up next chapter... I think. For the burritos.**

**And no, I don't know what was under the foil. I don't want to know, either.**


	3. Chapter 3: It's Mayuri's fault Period

_**The Following takes place 50 years after the events of bleach, one week after Johnson's fight with Yamamoto.**_

* * *

The Oven.

Johnson stared at the infernal device placed before him.

Certainly, he read Mayuri's notes on it. Certainly, he knew what danger it posed.

There was only one way to take Mayuri's Multi-purpose Super-Shinigami Hollow Pie Oven out of comission.

Only one way indeed...

* * *

"Kenpachi!"

"Ungh..."

"Hey! Kenpachi!"

"Who're you?"

Johnson smiled down at the Division Eleven Captain. "Captain Thomas Johnson. And you, my fine fellow, are to be used in a test of epic proportions."

Kenpachi blinked. "Say what?"

Johnson pulled Kenpachi to his feet.

"Well, you see, I am now Captain of Division Twelve. That means I got all of Mayuri's stupid little projects, most of which I'm sure are illegal. Now I need to dispose of a particular item-"

"Get 4th to do your work, or I'll cut your head off."

Johnson smiled. "Even if said item could potentially be dangerous?"

"Hollow dangerous?"

"Kurosaki dangerous."

Kenpachi laughed. "One of Mayuri's, eh? Let's see what we can do."

"Yay!" yelled a small, pink-haired girl, jumping into the room. "Kenny's going to fight!"

* * *

Captain Hitsugaya tried to keep the twitch out of his eye.

"Rangiku..."

"But commander! We never got to see Mayuri dispose of his projects!"

The white haired prodigy slowwly rubbed his eyes. "Fine. As long as it doesn't create more paperwork."

* * *

"Hey! Soi Fon!"

"Yes, Lady Yourichi?"

"Kenpachi's destroying one of Mayuri's."

"I heard."

"Well, come on!"

* * *

"Captain Unohana. Captain Kenpachi plans to destroy something for the Twelfth Division. Captain Johnson has requested that medics and all captains be on site, as he does not know exactly what the purpose of the device is."

Unohana watched Isane over her desk. "Barely a week out of the hospital, and he is treading the line... very well. I will be there."

* * *

Urahara listened to the Captain Commander.

"Of course. I need to make sure my replacement didn't muck everything up. I just hope he didn't leave anything too dangerous behind..."

* * *

Ichigo watched the group around him.

A quincy.

A half-hollow.

A healer.

A mod soul.

And himself. A Fullbring, a Shinigami, and a Hollow.

"Alright, everyone. Let's go."

Ishida pushed up his glasses. After fifty years, the Quincy Master still hadn't gotten rid of that habit.

"Are you sure that the information is accurate?"

"Yourichi said that it could be extremely dangerous if it was one of Mayuri's. Besides, I want to meet the new Division Twelve captain. I hear he's actually sane."

Orihime smiled. "Yay! Maybe I can cook something for him!"

Ichigo silently put his arms around her, and whispered in her ear. "I thought I was the only one privileged to your cooking."

Ishida coughed, and Chad looked away, nervous about the contact. Kon, as always about this, looked positively thrilled, and oddly hopeful.

"Orihime, Ichigo, let's move."

Ichigo nodded, and drove Zangetsu into the air. After a while, he finally learned to get his spirit energy somewhat under control, and the sword finally went back to an oversized katana.

A massive pair of rice paper doors appeared, and the group made their way into the Seireitei.

* * *

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, for a show even bigger than me..."

Everyone in the stands groaned as Matsumoto continued on with her breast jokes.

"Kenpachi Zaraki, captain of the Eleventh Division, and defeated only once, versus the legacy of dead Captain Mayuri's lab experiments!"

Everyone cheered as Kenpachi walked out, taking off his Haori as Johnson walked up at the other end of the field.

He was still amazed. Primarily that he was going to have an audience, and secondly that Division Eleven had _stands._

_'Hey. Boss, what're the odds something goes really wrong?'_

_'Ninety percent Kenpachi goes into a blood rage, sixty that the oven explodes, and .00000127 that the oven fires some strange object that we have to defeat.'_

_'Damnit. Why tempt Murphy?'_

Pushing the cart with the ominous crate, he took the microphone from Matsumoto, and looked out into the stands.

"Not one for speeches, so... alright. In one corner, we have Kenpachi Zaraki, the most feared captain of the Gotei Thirteen. In the other..."

Akon, filling in for the Vice-Captain position, knocked the crate away, revealing the oven.

"...one of Mayuri's _really _screwed up projects. I have no idea what this does, so stay on your toes."

"ICHIGOOOO!"

Johnnson cringed as the First Division Lieutenant was rather brutally tossed into the stands, as the Quincy Master, Visored Fullbring, and two others walked up.

"Okay... that's not what I was expecting... anyway, now, on to the SHOW!"

Akon hit the on button on the oven, and ran.

* * *

Kenpachi grinned as the machine started up. Then frowned as it started smoking.

After a few seconds, it simply exploded, scattering metal over a wide area.

"Pitiful."

"SCREE!"

Everyone in the stands stopped groaning, the captains tensed, and Johnson's eyes widened. _No..._

"SCREE!"

_'Why in the hell did you tempt Murphy?'_

_'What food says SCREE?'_

"SCREE!"

There was a disturbance in the smoke. Something made a splat. Then again. And again.

And out of the smoke came...

A burrito.

Everyone blinked, save Johnson, who flashed back to "Hollow-hunting melons".

"SCREE!"

The Burrito raised its... head... and green beans shot out, giving it legs. Peas formed the eyes, and a tail of celery formed.

_'Thomas... what the...'_

"KENPACHI! KILL IT!"

Kenpachi swung as the Burrito jumped, aiming for his head. Hitting the Burrito, it flew back, landing on all fours, hissing.

"The Burrito... _hissed?"_

* * *

Isane and Unohana both stared at the food of Champions... if they could beat it.

Then they saw a flash, and Captain Johnson was on the field, Yggdrasil's released form in hand.

"Captain..."

"I shall aid them. I think we should clear the area."

Handing the captain her Zanpakto, Isane turned to yell. "Everyone! Clear! Kenpachi is going to release, and Ban Kai's may be used!"

The crowds scattered, and Isane saw the remaining Captains draw their swords and release, even as the Lieutenants did the same.

_This is because of... a burrito?_

* * *

Ishida's bow launched a barrage of arrows, Chad's arm charged up, and Orihime put up another barrier to protect the civilians from the caustic... sauce? If that's what it was, as the Burrito launched another attack, spraying at Ichigo.

"**BAN KAI**!"

Tensa Zangetsu swung, and the acid flew harmlessly to the side.

"**BAN KAI**!"

A forest of trees erupted, a massive pair of ice wings formed, as did a giant, and Orihime felt the spiritual energy erupt.

Still, it was awfully funny. The Twelve Division Captains of the Gotei Thirteen fighting a burrito...

* * *

Johnson sped into a tree, phasing out behind the Burrito, now going by the Burrito of Destruction, and swung Yggdrasil.

He hit one leg, only for it to reform.

Diving into a tree, he kept the phase run, accelerating to speeds where he watched the Burrito from all angles, everything else simply a blur as his Ban Kai was used to it's full potential.

He saw a black blur- Ichigo- and another leg erupted in juices, splattering on the ground.

Spinning, he caught the Burrito of Destruction in the mid section, and cut nearly through it.

"**Dance, Sode no Shirayuki**."

A pillar of ice encased the remains, but the Burrito shattered them, leaving Johnson worried.

"**Ban Kai**."

The two simple words brought him to a halt as immense power washed over the area, pressing him to his knees.

Almost calmly, Yamamoto walked up to the trembling Burrito, cutting it out of existance.

Deactivating it, he turned to Captain Johnson. "Captain. How, exactly, did a burrito come to life and attack the Captains of the Gotei Thirteen, and force four of them, plus a Visored, to use Ban Kai?"

Johnson stared at the captain, his Ban Kai returning to sealed form. As he did so, Hitsugaya landed next to him, his Ban Kai gone. Komamura and Kenpachi walked up a second later.

"Well, er, you see, sir, that, umm... It's Kenny's fault."

_'What were the odds of homicidal food, again? Oh, great. Blame it on Kenpachi.'_

Kenpachi glared, Hitsugaya winced, and Komamura gave a foxy grin.

Yamamoto stared at Johnson a moment longer, before breaking into hysterics.

"Haha! I cannot believe it! A BURRITO!"

Johnson blinked, quite sure Yamamoto lost it.

"Umm..."

"HAHA! It's been some time since there was a little madness around here."

Johnson had no idea what to do at this point.

"Umm..."

"In any event, I ask that you refrain from doing so unless the occasion calls for it."

"Yes, Sir." The Captain of the Twelfth couldn't believe it.

"Now, you are excused."

As Yamamoto walked away, he felt a hand slap him on the back. "Congrats. Twelfth Division immunity."

He turned to face the grinning, hat-hidden face of Kisuke Urahara.

"Why didn't anyone warn me about that damn Burrito?"

The assembled Captains and Kisuke cracked up, and Johnson felt a weight on his shoulder. "Yay! You made Kenny smile! You're fun, Johnny!"

He turned to see the Eleventh Division Lieutenant riding on his shoulder. "But, are there more of those Burritos?"

"I hope not..."

Everyone cracked up at the expression on Johnson's face- fear, anxiety, relief, and a need for drinks.

* * *

**AN: I have NO idea where this whole situation erupted from. But, you can see Mayuri making crazy Uburritos, eh?**

* * *

Unohana and Isane finished up healing the individuals harmed in the, as it was now called, "Attack of the Uburrito." It must be noted here that when something gains a name in Soul Society, it probably means Division Twelve did something stupid, dangerous, or crazy, or a combination thereof.

The Captain, for one, found it amusing. Isane felt that letting Kenpachi loose on anything was a stupid idea, and not at all safe.

When she confronted the other captains, Soi Fon went along with Yourichi, who thought it was funny. Rose didn't care. Unohana... was entertained. Shinji had just rolled his eyes and smirked at the spectacle. Renji was laughing until he cried. Komamura was smirking. Shunsui was laughing about it with Ukitake. Mugrumura was inscrutable. Hitsugaya was the only one who didn't like it, and that was only because he was ill-prepared, and had to deal with fifteen minutes of Rangiku's breast jokes. Kenpachi, naturally, loved it.

So, immediately after she finished, she left to the Division Twelve Barracks, surprised by the clean, white design he had adopted.

"Hello, Lieutenant Isane."

She turned around to see a man in a long, dark cloak, a green-and-white bucket hat over his eyes.

"Lieutenant Urahara?"

"The one and only. Can I help you?"

"Yes. I want to see Captain Johnson."

"Right this way."

He led her to the back of the Barracks, where a number of elevators waited.

"I'm surprised."

Urahara raised an eyebrow, and she explained.

"Last time I was here, Mayuri was in charge. He had the place dark, dreary, and generally uninviting."

Urahara nodded. "Captain thought it would be a good idea to remake Division 12 entirely. He felt that Mayuri, while brilliant, was positively insane."

Isane nodded. "That he was."

The elevator opened, and Isane saw Hanatarō, 4th division 7th seat, walk out.

"Oh! Hello, Lieutenant."

"Hanatarō. I take it this is where you were?"

"Yes. Apparently, Third Seat Akon took a piece of metal in the leg do to the, erm... Uburrito."

Urahara laughed. "So that's what he's calling it. Is Akon alright?"

"Yes, while I was there, Captain Johnson came up with a way to remove Akon's horns, and..."

Isane interrupted. "I understand. Notify Captain Unohana, and then assist in any way you can."

"Yes Ma'am."

Hanatarō moved off, and Urahara took his guest into the elevator.

"Wait, Hanatarō!"

The seventh seat stopped. "Yes?"

"Which floor is the Captain on?"

"Umm... I think second, sir."

"Thank you."

The doors closed, and Urahara pushed a button, the elevator descending.

"Second floor?"

"Captain Johnson also redid the entire structure of the area. On Floor One, the bottom floor, we have testing and storage for dangerous items. On floor two, is bio engineering. Floor Three is Spirit sciences, Floor Four experimental weapons, and Floor Five is a buffer floor."

"Buffer Floor?"

Urahara nodded. "He wants to make sure that if anything presents a threat, we can literally bury it."

Isane nodded as the elevator slowed down, then the doors opened.

"Look what I made, Johnny!"

"Hang on a minute, Yachiru."

"But it's cute!"

"And this is important. Just give me a moment."

Yachiru pouted, but remained silent. Isane thought that was a feat in and of itself, that he silenced the child lieutenant of Division Eleven.

"Captain!"

"Urahara, I'm busy."

"With what?"

"Trying to... um... create synthetic flesh."

"You're trying to make another Uburrito, aren't you."

Johnson was silent as Yachiru waved an item at him.

"Yes, Yachiru, what is it?"

"This!"

SHe held up what appeared to be a small cantaloupe with several CD's stuck into it.

"What is it?"

It broke out singing. Normally, this would be acceptable, except it was looking at Johnson as it sang. And it was insulting.

Johnson barely held himself back from ripping it to shreds with his bare hands.

The next elevator opened, and Komamura walked out. "Captain Johnson-"

Yachiru turned the Cdaloupe towards him, and it switched songs. To ELVIS. HOUND DOG.

Urahara, Isane, and Johnson all had to work together to keep Komamura from killing Yachiru.

"Koma- CAPTAIN KOMAMURA!"

The dog headed captain paused.

"Here at the Twelfth division, we have incredibly effective methods of destroying unwanted items."

* * *

Three Minutes Later

* * *

Komamura was impressed.

"And you're sure it was destroyed?"

"Yes, this is an incredibly effective method."

The group stood by the Division Eleven fence, watching chunks of CD's and cantaloupe fly into the air.

"You see, Komamura? It's the little things."


	4. Chapter 4: It's another day

Present

* * *

Johnson placed his hands on the sides of his new head.

"Urahara, are you sure this will work?"

"I'm sure of it!"

Johnson gently rubbed the gigai's arms. "This feels wrong."  
"It'll work, masking your signature. Don't worry."  
The Twelfth Division captain stared at Urahara. "Right. Anyway, who all knows about this?"  
"Renji, Ichigo and his friends, Isshin, most of the vice captains, and Akon."  
"Good. Anything to know before I go jumping into the living world?"  
"Watch out for cars."  
"...right."  
Urahara smiled. "Have fun!"  
"Where are you dropping me?"  
"New York, unless you would prefer a burrito stand."  
"...I'm not going to live that down, am I?"  
"Never."  
The gate on Floor One of the Shinigami Institute opened up.  
"So far, you have amnesia, you're underpowered, and lost. I'll keep your location under wraps, until you 'regain' your memory about a month after the cooking thing blows over."  
"Thanks."  
"You know..."  
"What?"  
Urahara gave a wicked smile. "Isane hasn't heard about this..."  
"So?"  
"Maybe you'd like to, shall we say... give her a 'fond farewell'?"  
A moment passed. Johnson had no expression on his face, and Urahara had a wild grin.  
"Lieutenant."  
"Yes, Captain?"  
"When I get back, I'm blaming this all on you."  
"I would have it no other way, sir."

* * *

Johnson fell out of the portal onto a street corner in the City of New York.  
In two hundred years, the city had changed. The subways had taken over all transport, and people now walked the streets to get around on foot. The city was a white, shining example of nobility, far from the appearance of 200 years in its past.  
Pulling himself up, he went to the apartment Urahara had set up, a small building with a phone for contacting Soul Society, and the necessities.  
Still in his Gigai, knowing he would be there for a while, Johnson set up the power and water, getting the place livable.  
"Well... I'm going to be here for a while."

* * *

Urahara casually walked into the Division Four barracks, smiling as he walked to Urahara's Office.  
When he entered, both Captain Unohana and Captain Commander Yamamoto were waiting.  
"Report."  
"He's in New York, Seventh district. That's Kurosaki's territory, who, coincidentally, is now my new Vice Captain."  
Yamamoto smiled, as did Unohana. "Very well. How long until Phase Two?"  
"Give it a couple months. They believe he's dead?"  
"We were about to make the announcement."  
The three shared a laugh. "He won't know what hit him."

* * *

Fifty One years after the events of Bleach, one month after the "Attack of the Burrito."

* * *

Johnson pressed both hands over his eyes. He'd heard the reports, he knew the danger. But, he was a captain, and he had to brave the worst that the afterlife had to offer.  
Taking a deep breath, he again stared at the device in his hands. It was quite possibly the only means for survival in what he was about to do.  
And with that in mind, he stepped into the Division Four Barracks, to explain to Unohana _exactly_ why her lieutenant, seventh, and fourth seats were stuck to his ceiling.

* * *

With Kisuke Urahara

* * *

"Akon, pass me the spatula again."  
The former shopkeep stuck the spatula under the Seventh Seat's arm and began trying to chip away at the purple goo holding him in place.  
"Uhh... Lieutenant?"  
"Yes?" Isane asked, noting that the goo was not yielding.  
"When will we get down?"  
Kisuke shrugged. "I don't know. Captain Johnson is the one that made the formula, and he's the one to ask. In any event, he had to make sure that Unohana wouldn't kill anyone, so..."  
The Fourth Seat nodded. "I can understand. There's got to be a more effective way of getting us off, though."  
"There is, but..."  
Isane glared. "Do it."  
"Akon!"  
The Twelfth's Third Seat snapped to attention. "Plan Eleven-L."  
Akon blanched. "But sir! If it goes wrong-"  
"Trust me."  
Akon nodded, and headed towards the elevators.  
"Now, you'll be down in about twenty minutes, give or take."  
Isane noted that the researchers were scattering. "What's going on?"  
"You see, we have a plan to get assistance from all oficers. Plan Eleven means Division Eleven."

"So what does the 'L' stand for?"

"Lieutenant." Kisuke replied cheerfully.

"OOH! URY!"

Yachiru bounded out of the elevator, hopping across the tables to stand in front of Twelve's Lieutenant.

"You have candy?"

"Yes, but you have to do something first."

Yachiru cocked her head to the side.

"Get those three down from the ceiling."

The pink-haired girl watched the three stuck to the ceiling, before pulling her zanpakto.

"Eat."

The sword changed into what appeared to be a long, iron rod, with a fork on the end.

Jabbing it at the purple goo, the Zanpakto sucked it up, before the pink-haired lieutenant let the Fourth lieutenant fall to the ground.

After doing the same with the other two, Urahara reached into a cabinet and produced a large bucket of candy.

"Here you are, and have a nice day."

Yachiru grabbed the bucket, her arms barely reaching around it, and headed off towards the elevators.

"Did... Lieutenant Yachiru just use her Shikai?" asked Isane.

"Yep." replied Urahara, before turning to the files with the formula.

"Huh. Who knew."

"What?" asked the Seventh seat.

"It's water soluble."

He froze as he felt the distinct feel of angry woman.

"Uhh... would it help if I said that I like seeing you tied up?"

"Urahara, you're such a perv."

Captain Johnson staggered in, then collapsed on the floor, burnt and beaten.

"Captain!"

Everyone ran over to check on him.

"Are you alright?"

"Mmm...floor..."

"What happened?" asked Isane, readying her healing kido.

"Unohana got angry. Mmm... the floor is cool..."

Kisuke put his hand on Isane's shoulder. "Leave him. This is what he does. Then he'll start muttering about 'Banned Kai' and 'Rangiku's boobs'."

Isane grimaced.

"If it makes you feel any better, he once muttered something about yours."

The two Fourth division seats cracked up, while Isane looked about ready to lose it.

"Can you all go away? I want to sleep..." muttered johnson from the floor.

The group made their way to the front hall of Division Twelve, and met Unohana standing there.

"Hello, Isane." stated the Fourth Division Captain.

"Captain. What exactly happened to Captain Johnson?"

"Oh, I hit him with a few high-level Hado and struck him. Nothing to worry about."

Isane nodded, and the Fourth Division shinigami left the building.

Urahara was left standing, wondering where exactly Johnson was struck.

"But he was only walking-" he froze as he remembered the slight bow legs.

"Oh. Better get him some ice, then."

* * *

Six Hours Later

"Captain..."

"No, Urahara. I most certainly am not."

"But Captain..."

"No, Lieutenant."

"You can tell the Uburrito story..."

"..."

"Captain?"

"Two orientations, then I get to make another one."

"Deal."

* * *

"Attention. Attention. HEY! ALL YOU NEW GUYS! SHUT IT!"

The recruits snapped to attention as the captain appeared towards the front of the hall.

"Congratulations. You have been accepted into the Twelfth division, where I hope that- what the... Urahara? Seriously. Not cool."

The new members of the division looked around nervously. Several sighted the blond in the back, holding a sign that read 'Cannon Fodder'.

"Alright... here's how it goes. You, as of right now, are members of Division 12. Congrats. Whenever something wierd shows up, or something new, or 4th finds something in the sewers... we have to take care of it.

"Now, you all just got your orientation. Congrats. But, first, I have to lay some ground rules. For YOUR safety.

"First. You will hear strange noises. They may range from grunting, to screaing, to outright pleas. Under NO circumstances are you to go near Division Eleven. Well, unless you want to die... Kenpachi needs fodder..."

The recruits looked around nervously.

"Second. About the captains... don't piss off Yamamoto, he'll destroy you. Then notice he destroyed you. Then, he has to apologize for killing a member of my division... then he's in a bad mood. His Lieutenant is a former captain. Don't anger him. Second Division, don't say ANYTHING against Yourichi. It gets messy. She herself could care less, but Soi Fon is a little attached."

"Who, the crazy cat lady?"

"STING, SUZUMEBACHE!"

"ARRGH!"

"And that," said Johnson cheerfully at the wide-eyed recruits, "Is why we obey rule two."

Urahara, near the other side of the hall, rubbed his eyes.

"Third... if you see the eleventh Lieutenant around, stay away... she once created a rather annoying cantaloupe for fun. Yes, a cantaloupe."

Several recruits snickered.

"Fourth... there is a '0' floor. In it, there is the most destructive item to date. The Uburrito. Suffice to say, it's a punishment room. A single Ubburito made three captain level shinigami use Ban Kai, and it still took Yamamoto. Misbehave, to the Burrito you go."

The recruits were staring at him as if he were crazy.

"Fifth... on the motto. I get asked this all the time. Our motto is not 'To Secure, Contain, and Protect'. Never was, never will be. Nor is it 'Hey, let's poke it' or 'what if I...'... It's not. Period. And the jokes get old, real fast. Our motto is 'To locate and ascertain potential threats' got it?"

Everyone nodded.

"Sixth. Fourth Division comes around alot. Don't bug them. Trust me. Unohana can be a bit brutal when riled. Also, she probably heard you."

Another recruit spoke up. "Huh? The Fourth Captain is probably a pansy."

"Oh, hello."

The recruit in question turned to see Captain Unohana standing behind him. He instantly was shaking, stutering, and trying to move back, until Johnson had Akon drag him off to Uburrito duty.

Unohana smiled. "I just wanted to make sure you are alright."

Johnson nodded. "I'm fine. He's not."

Unohana smiled and walked away, and Johnson took a deep breath.

"Okay. That's why we obey rule six. Seven... if you see Captain Hitsugaya, never make a comment about his age or height. I alredy told him he can Ban Kai you to the next afterlife.

"Any questions?"

Everyone was staring at him.

"Good. You're all dismissed."

* * *

"And that's that."

Urahara watched his captain with a combination of fear, amusement, and respect. "That was... interesting."

"But funny. I had Soi Fon up in the rafters just for that."

"Mean."

"Still, you had to admit Unohana showing up was just plain hilarious."

"Truly."

"Hey, should we show them the Uburrito fight? I had Akon tape it."

Urahara laughed. "Yeah. I want to see their faces."

* * *

**This is way too much fun. If you have any ideas for storylines, say so! Also, I have NO idea if that's Yachiru's release. Kinda fits, though.**

**The Cantaloupe and the Uburrito will return, don't worry!**

**Hehe... gluing people to the ceiling... man, Johnson's getting abused. **


	5. Author Note & Omake

**An important note. This Fic started on the premise of Captain Commander Yamamoto cooking. However, as has been noted, it has become much, much more.**

**I have, upon careful deliberation (I.E. I thought about it for 20 seconds), decided to change the name.**

**Gasp! Yes, it's true. This is the first, and hopefully the last, time I change the name of a fic. I will continue to post, but the tales will be more 12-centric, and less about cooking.**

**Yeah, that comment about ramen and instant macaroni? Those are my cooking skills.**

**I want to thank you for your patience, and will try to continue with the ever hilarious absurdity.**

**Thanks again!**

**BigBoom550**

* * *

**What, thought I would leave a non humorous update?**

* * *

Yachiru stared at the button.

It was a shiny button. It was a red button.

It was on the wall. It was pushable. (Probably.)

And, it had a large, blindingly white label on it.

DO NOT PUSH.

Yachiru wanted to push the button. She really did.

But the label said not to.

Oh, what to do?

Soi Fon would spy on Captain Johnson and find out. But she didn't know where the captain was.

Kenny would stab it! But Kenny wasn't here.

Ukitake would cough. Not helpful.

And Johnson had a reason for not pushing the button if he had the label on it.

So Yachiru stared at the large, gleaming red button on the wall.

Should she push it?

Should she leave it alone?

There was only one thing to do.

* * *

Johnson leaned back in his chair, Urahara sitting across from him.

This wasn't unusual, to discuss ideas and thoughts about projects.

Johnson leaned over his lunch, and it suddenly exploded, showering him with bits of food and steak juice.

Wiping his eyes, he saw Urahara in a similar state of appearance, but with his own food.

"Remind me again," started Johnson, "Why, exactly, Mayuri made a button that causes lunches, but not breakfasts or dinners, to explode?"


	6. Chapter 5: Never a good idea

** Five: The Systemic Probability Drive  
Or  
It's now a screwed up world.**

**Again, fifty years after Bleach. Trust me, this is all going somewhere.**

"Urahara, wrench."  
"Wrench."  
"What are you making?"  
Anyone walking on to floor 3 would be confused. Hanatarou was on the table, Urahara was up to his waist, bent over in a toolbox, and Captain Johnson's haori was tossed over a chair, the Captain himself under what appeared to be a large, steel grey machine.  
"We're not sure." grunted Johnson from under the machine, "But that's why we need you here, in case it explodes."  
Hanatarou gulped. "Will it?"  
"Urahara, shrug for me."  
The fourth seat paled.  
"Captain, what do you think it will do?"  
"I don't know... there's a computation module, and an emitter... might be a hollow remote."  
"That would be convenient."  
"Until Yachiru gets a desire for candy, or a REALLY perverted shinigami gets a tentacle hollow." muttered Johnson.  
Urahara snickered.  
"Anyway, we won't know until we start it up. Is Ichigo here?"  
"Here."  
Ichigo walked up to the captain. "Ready to test it?"  
"Let's go."  
Johnson crawled out, then pressed a button on the side of the machine. A low hum filled the air, growing in power until a small, blue orb of energy formed, before blasting away in a shockwave.  
"That's it?"  
"Better go look topside."

* * *

"Well... that's not what I was expecting."  
They stared at the Division Eleven Barracks.  
"Maybe we should go in. There's no noise."  
They entered, and what Johnson saw would haunt him forever.  
"Oh dear god no. Urahara, Ichigo, tell me you aren't seeing this."  
Kenpachi was sitting on the ground, crayons in hand, drawing a picture of a unicorn. Yachiru was eating- of all things- a salad. Yumichika was trying to figure out why he was so handsome, and Ikkaku was smiling, showing off his bald head.  
"Urahara... I think the device just modified the personalities of everyone here. We'd better find the total area of effect."  
"Agreed."  
They carefully backed out of division Eleven, and made their way to Division Thirteen.  
"This can't possibly end well." muttered Ichigo.  
"Why weren't we affected?" asked Hanatarou.  
"Maybe our proximity to the device shielded us, maybe we knew it was coming and subconsciously braced, any number of things." replied Johnson, shivering over Kenpachi drawing a unicorn.  
"So, everyone's personalities have been reversed. This could end badly."  
"Ichigo Kurosaki!"  
They turned to see Isshin standing behind them, a stern expression on his face.  
"I am proud of you, my son. I wish the best for you."  
He turned and walked off, Ichigo's eye twitching.  
"Uhh... Ichigo?" asked the medic. "Are you alright?"  
"Was.. my father... just... NORMAL?"  
"Apparently." replied Urahara.  
"Come on, let's go."  
They arrived at Division Thirteen, and Johnson carefully pushed open the doors.  
Pulling back, he blinked several times. "Okay. That's just weird."  
"What is?" Ichigo pushed past him to look inside.  
Rukia was painting a grand portrait, a serpent in a snowy field. Ukitake was glaring around the room. And, over in the corner, the Third Seats were... WHISPERING SWEET NOTHINGS?  
Ichigo nearly threw up. "Let's go."  
They quickly went to Ten, where they noticed it was almost empty.  
"Strange..."  
They went through, and found the Vice-captain's office.  
"Come in." a nervous Rangiku stated as they knocked.  
She was sitting at her desk, a bundle of clothes over her, as if she was trying to hide something.  
"Lieutenant. Where is Captain Hitsugaya?"  
She pointed, and they saw Toushirou Hitsugaya in the corner, playing with action figures.  
Ichigo coughed, Urahara blinked, Johnson gaped, and Hanatarou didn't know what to do.  
"Uhh... Captain?"  
"Ooh! Did you come to play?"  
"Erm.., no. We just came to check in..."  
Carefully, everyone left the area, and proceeded down the line. Eight and Nine were locked, and they saw Komamura in Seventh... being a dog.  
"WOOF! WOOF!"  
"Oh gods no..."  
Sixth wasn't much better. Renji was writing a book on how much he hated Rukia, and that was enough to make everyone run.  
Fifth was locked, Johnson assumed that there were some individuals not affected by the pulse.  
Fourth got them all to freeze as one of the members was launched out of the window.  
"Hanatarou. I think your division is the new Eleven."  
They walked inside to a brawl that would put the Eleventh to shame. Members were flying, there was a pile of unconscious bodies in one corner, and Captain Unohana was dressed in...  
Johnson was convinced he was going insane. "Urahara, is that what I think that is?"  
"Unfortunately. That, Hanatarou, is a dominatrix outfit."  
There was the crack of a leather whip, and everyone moved towards the doors.  
"This is quite possibly the most terrifying thing I have ever seen."  
As they left, Johnson bumped into the Fourth Lieutenant.  
"Sorry, sir." Murmured Isane.  
He couldn't quite place it, but there was a slight purr in her voice.  
"It's fine, lieutenant. Go about your business."  
"Oh, but I'm sure I could make it up to you..."  
She moved closer, pressing her chest against his, as Johnson suddenly realized what had changed.  
She had always avoided acting like a girl, was nervous about anything to do with sexuality, and was shy.  
The new Fourth Lieutenant was a nymphomaniac.  
"That's perfectly alright. I need to get back to Twelve. Experiments are running away!"  
Isane frowned, not sure if that was literal or figurative. With Twelve, who knew?  
"Well... maybe you could teach me, hm?"  
THUMP  
Urahara was behind the now-unconscious Fourth Lieutenant.  
"As funny as that was, we have a job to do. Hanatarou, take her to eleven. She should be safe there."

Johnson blinked at Urahara. "Eleven? Safe?"

"Relatively. After all, Kenpachi is now a real softy."

Johnson twitched. "Right... maybe we should go to division one..."

Urahara's eye twitched. "Uhh...Lieutenant?"

Ichigo's mouth twitched.

"Are you two..."

Both of them, the Visored and the Shinigami, burst into hysterics as they walked, heading for Division One.

"I'll... I'll bet that... HAHAHAHA!" Ichigo was nearly falling over, while Urahara was leaning against a wall, trying to stand upright.

"And... Yourichi... I'll bet... HAHAHAHA!" The former shopkeeper collapsed, crying on the ground as he laughed.

Johnson's eye twitched, like Hitsugaya's did. "Both of you, cut it out!"

They managed to get past Division Two, with Johnson dragging his Lieutenant, and Ichigo managed to keep his laughter under control.

"HALT!"

They turned to see Soi Fon standing behind them.

"What is the meaning of this? Everyone is acting bizzare after the pulse. What do you know about it?"

Johnson snapped into what Urahara called 'Mad-scientist mode'. Before Soi Fon knew what was happening, Johnson had grabbed the top of her head and was turning it side to side, shining a light in her eyes.

"Hmm... strange... not affected by pulse... but it reversed personalities... unless..."

He stared at Soi Fon for a moment. "Ah, yes... your personality has many conflictions within. You both hate and admire Yourichi at the same time, for example... yes. There was nothing to flip!"

The second division captain blinked several times. "I don't follow."

Urahara tuned his commander out as he went through his cycle. Excitement, child-like wonder, then boredom until he found something else.

Ichigo raised an eyebrow at the shopkeep. Urahara shrugged.

"He does this. Don't worry about it."

"But Yamamoto... oh no..."

Johnson took off running, leaving the others behind.

"Akon! Ready the device!"

A pause.

"WHAT!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I CAN HEAR-"

Urahara grimaced.

"Akon." his voice was deep and dark, promising pain.

"Either get the device ready, or I'll rip your spine out."

He snapped the phone away, and Urahara caught up.

"Kisuke! Yamamoto may realese his-"

A wave of heat washed over them, and Johnson dropped to one knee, realigning his spiritual pressure to cope. Urahara collapsed, unable to go on. Ichigo staggered, before adjusting.

"Damnit! Ban Kai. Ichigo, with me!"

Ichigo sprinted with him, staring at the division 12 captain.

"How can you still stand?"

"I learned how to use the Quincy method of redirecting reishi. I use it in these situations."

* * *

Johnson tried not to scream. Before him, in nothing but a speedo, was Captain Commander Yamamoto.

"YOU ARE TRAITORS!"

Without bothering to wonder what, exactly, the speedo meant, Johnson and Ichigo both released their Ban Kai.

"Captain! Please seal your blade and stand down! The Gotei 13 are experiencing severe anomalies!"

"LIKE HELL!"

He dove for Ichigo, who shot past, delivering a blow to his back.

"Ichigo! I'm going all out!"

Ichigo lept back, and Johnson appeared to vibrate. To the casual observer, he was moving extremely rapidly back and forth. In truth, his flash step was alloing him to reach incredible speeds, at the cost of power.

Dodging, a dozen clones appeared, delivering blows to Yamamoto, who shrugged them off.

Ichigo accelerated, and the massive cleaver and Tensa Zangetsu began to start small cuts- nothing large, but enough to give Yamamoto pause.

The aged captain swung his blade, and nicked Johnson on the collarbone. With a cry, he collapsed, his cleaver dug into the ground, keeping him standing.

"SURRENDER!"

Bringing the blade up one-handed, Johnson smirked, coughing up slight amounts of blood. The heat was attacking his organs, baking them.

"MJOLNIR YGGDRASIL!"

He poured all of his energy into a single strike, ripping the earth up and casting a giant worm made of stone at Yamamoto.

The worm struck, as Johnson collapsed. Yamamoto was still standing, even as another pulse of energy ripped through, knocking Johnson into a tree. Yamamoto shook his head, before he recognized what had happened. As Johnson's Ban Kai faded away, he contacted Unohana, telling her she had a captain down.

* * *

One Week Later

Johnson opened his eyes. Taking stock around him, he saw Isane at a nearby table, with Unohana next to her.

"...so everyone's immune now?"

"Yes."

Sitting up, he winced at the pain from his torso and collarbone.

He sent out a small burst of energy, enough to gain their attention.

"Captain. You are awake."

"Okay, to answer your questions... yes, it was 12's fault. Yes, I know what happened, and the device is being tossed into the Eleventh's training field as soon as I get back."

Isane muttered, "So that's where it goes..."

Johnson pulled off the robes, revealing a long stretch of stitches across his torso, with a painkiller spread across. Even with that, he felt like crap.

"Ow. What did I do to myself?"

"You impacted a branch head on. It pierced you. With your strange reaction to healing kido, we needed to stitch you up and let you heal as normal. We had to keep you unconscious during that time, and so the pain would not drive you mad." stated Unohana.

"Thanks. I'll be going."

He casually grabbed Yggdrasil from the table next to him, and donned his Haori, allowing the scars to show.

As he walked out, Isane muttered that they should start charging him.

* * *

PART TWO: VS THE WOMENS SOUL REAPER ASSOCIATION

* * *

"Urahara! URAHARA!"

Division 12's notoriously crazy captain placed a hand over his eyes.

"Of all the times for my Vice Captain to go missing..."

He paused next to the elevators on Floor Two. He'd been experimenting with a new fiber, one that could potentially help Ukitake by replacing the infected parts of his lungs. At least, he thought the infection was in his lungs. Unohana confessed to never really examining it, trying to cure it with the traditional methods.

He gently rubbed his eyes. So far, he'd had a strange day, even for Division Twelve. Yachiru had made another one of those damn cantaloupes, and this one had legs. After nearly four hours chasing the thing, with a still healing chest, he finally caught it.

Then, one of his stitches had reopened, and he had tried the fiber. Now, he had a small black spot on his chest that itched like crazy unless he put hot sauce on it.

Add to that he had to drop into the world of the living, or so Matsumoto claimed when she stopped by, and he was having a _terrific _day.

He salked through the entrance hall, pausing as he saw Matsumoto handing out several magazines to women around the hall.

Carefully, he crept up behind one of the women and snatched the magazine, wondering why all the women were giggling.

He took one look at the cover, and stared, confused and a little disturbed.

"...the hell?"

* * *

Captain Hitsugaya looked up at his door at the knock. "Come in."

Captain Johnson walked in, looked around, and then closed the door.

"Captain Johnson. What can I do for you?"

"Two things. One, the devices you ordered will be ready tomorrow. I'll have Akon drop them off. As for the second..."

He withdrew a glossy, pink monstrosity of a magazine from his shirt. "Why is there the 'Women's Soul Reaper Association', and why did they make a magazine devoted to me?"

Hitsugaya blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Your lieutenant was handing these out. Apparently, I have a calender coming up, or something along those lines."

Hitsugaya rubbed his head. "Ah, that..."

"Tell me."

"You see, the female Shinigami, often high-ranking, have created a sort of... club, if you will, where they... engage in those sort of activities."

"I see."

"Often, they are based in Kuchiki manor. I would look there, but I can't guarantee that you'll be safe."

"Thank you. I apologize for taking your time."

* * *

"You're serious."

Johnson nodded. "Yep. Division Two is using spies to take photos of me in the labs. It's time to use some of those devices you came up with."

"Serious?"

Johnson handed him the magazine. "Page fourteen."

Urahara took one look and handed it back. "Point taken. Never show me that photo again."

"That's why."

"Well, let's get started."

* * *

Yachiru made to move through the tunnels she had dug, only to find a piece of candy. Not passing it up, she picked it up. Then another. Then another...

* * *

Kenpachi Zaraki wandered around, searching for his Lieutenant.

"Where is she?"

He stepped outside and noticed a large, shaking box. Opening it, he saw Yachiru tied up, a bow in her hair. Attached was a magazine and a note.

_Kenpachi:_

_Sorry about this. She was trying to take provocative images of me. had to diffuse the situation._

_-Captain Johnson of Division Twelve_

Kenpachi didn't notice the camera across the way.

* * *

Score: WSRA:0 D12:1

* * *

Unohana, Nanao, and Isane all watched Kenpachi untie a furious Yachiru.

"Well. That was fast."

"I told you. Kisuke Urahara and Thomas Johnson are both geniuses of the highest caliber." Nanao stated simply.

"Of course. The one Captain who can hold his own against Yachiru is also the brilliant-cutie."

"RANGIKU! When did you get here?"

"When I heard that Yachiru was caught. Impressive." She produced a bottle from between her... assets.

"How do you keep it there?"

"Like this!" she stuck the bottle back in.

"Ahem, ladies."

They looked around. There was definately Akon's voice, but from where?

"Tata!"

They fell into a pit that had been set up beneath them, where they were stuck into a grey plaster.

"It could be worse."

The plaster began to spin.

"Damnit, Rangiku."

* * *

Yamamoto watched the strange sphere in the center of his Division.

"Lieutenant, what is this?"

Isshin walked up with a note.

_From 12 to you. Four mighty fine, super divine, shinigami women!_

_Tired of boring, male shinigami? Hoping to have something to look at as your Hollow problem is eliminated?_

_Try the Super Female Shinigami!_

_(Note: do NOT let them see this note)_

_Now in four models: Medic, Albino, Nerd and Drunkard!_

Yamamoto sighed before burning the note. He knew all too well what was going on.

* * *

"You were right, Captain. That was fun."

"It's all in the execution, Akon."

* * *

WSRA: 0 D12: 2

* * *

"Urahara! Where the hell are my shirts!?"

* * *

1:2

* * *

"Captain! The personality device is gone, and Urahara's working hard!"

"Meh."

"He's making a Hogyoku!"

"DAMNIT!"

* * *

2:2

* * *

"Ooh! Candy!"

"Yachiru... that's a cantalope salad."

* * *

2:3

* * *

"Urahara. How- exactly-did my office become filled with pictures of every woman in Soul Society?"

"I don't- wow. I didn't know Yourichi had clothes like THAT."

* * *

2:4 (let's face it. Who REALLY won there?)

* * *

"URAHARA! URAHARA!"  
The green and white bucket hat bobbed as the Twelfth's Lieutenant sat up. "Yeah?"  
"I've got it!"  
Urahara noticed a nervous Hanatarou hanging on Johnson's arm.  
"Do I want to know?"  
"Did you go to college in the human world?"  
Urahara blinked. "No, why?"  
Johnson snickered. "Then you don't realize how we're going to get back at the WSRA!"  
Urahara blanched. This could not be good.  
"Now, I've already talked with Yourichi, and bribed Yachiru with a ridiculous amount of candy. All we need is a diversion."  
"Diversion?"  
"Yeah. Something to diver the female Shinigami away from us for a bit. Can you do that?"  
"If I use a gigai that looks like Yamamoto-"  
"No need. I got his help, so long as he doesn't get caught in the crossfire."  
"Then why Hanatarou?"  
The fourth seat raised a shaky hand. "I-I know the sewers. I'm going to help."  
"Captain, what are you setting up?"  
"The most amusing thing you will ever see. Now, I also need spirit energy dampers..."  
==LINE BREAK==  
Soi Fon stared at her lieytenant, confused. "Yamamoto-soutaicho is calling?"  
"Yeah. He wants the ENTIRE WSRA present. Apparently, the little 'war' with twelve is starting to tick him off."  
"That is his problem. I have not tried to-"  
"You ignored 12 and focused on getting pictures of me."  
Soi Fon grimaced. "Lady Yourichi-"  
"Besides, all you had to do is ask."  
Soi Fon wisely decided that heading to Division One was the best approach, with the nosebleed already forming.  
"I'll..be going, now. Take care of Two."  
She all but sprinted, failing to notice the Third Seat of 12 waiting by the door.  
"Captain. Soi Fon eliminated."

* * *

Unohana and Lieutenant Isane stared at the Fourth Seat.  
"Are you certain?"  
"Yes, Lieutenant. Head Captain Yamamoto was upset that a large clay ball filled with seated officers was dumped on his lawn, quite literally. He wants to speak with those responsible."  
Isane sighed as Unohana nodded. "Thank you, Hanatarou. We will be going."  
As they left, Hanatarou breathed a sigh of relief. "Captain Johnson, this is Hanatarou. Unohana and Isane both eliminated. But what will you do about Yachiru?"

* * *

Yachiru gladly dived into the buckket of candy- bucket #76, anyway.

* * *

"But CAPTAIN!"  
"No buts, Rangiku. Yamamoto wants to see all members of the WSRA immediately."  
"Captain!"  
"NOW, LIEUTENANT!"  
As Rangiku left, the captain smiled to himself.  
"Captain Johnson. Rangiku eliminated."

* * *

"Rukia, you have to go."  
"But- but captain!"  
"No buts." Ukitake was interrupted by a coughing fit. "Yamamoto wants all members of the WRSA to meet him in Division One. You have to go."  
"Very well, captain."  
As Rukia Kuchiki left, Ukitake grinned.  
"Captain Johnson, this is Ukitake. Rukia is eliminated."

* * *

Shunsui took another drink. "So that's the plan?"  
Johnson nodded.  
Urahara snickered in the corner. His captain was devious, to say the least.  
"I take it that you will operate quickly and quietly?"  
"Of course. I am Shunsui Kyoraku!"  
Johnson rubbed his eyes. "Alright. And remeber, until that day, we act as normal. Akon and Urahara will take care of the actual flag, and I'll try to arrange for a route."  
Komamura grinned. "And then the First Annual Men's Soul Reaper Association Parade will take place."  
Johnson nodded. "Yeah. And I'm not going to lie: the women will hate us for this. If you want to back out, now's the time."  
Hitsugaya entered. "No one is leaving. We've all been victims of the WSRA before. This is vengeance."

* * *

"YOURICHI!"  
The black cat sat up. "Yes?"  
"My clothes!"  
"You are wearing them."  
"No... my... underclothes..."  
Yourichi's eyebrows rose, but she was laughing on the inside. So this was Johnson's plan...  
"What about them? Are they comfy?"  
Soi Fon blushed. "No! I mean, yes, but- ARGH! They're missing!"  
Yourichi frowned, using all her considerable willpower not to break into hysterics. After being promoted to a captain, he proved to be just a college student. It took a big pair to perform a panty raid on all the female members of the Gotei 13. Even more, if the prank wasn't done.  
"Maybe you should purchase more. I did not see anyone enter your quarters."  
In truth, she had turned a blind eye and gone to sleep as Akon entered. After, she had rubbed the furniture and ground to eliminate his scent.  
"This will not go unpunished!"  
Johnson had warned his conspirators. This could end BADLY.  
==Line Break==  
Hanatarou gulped as Unohana stared down at him.  
"Hanatarou. Did anyone enter my quarters?"  
"No, Ma'am. I did not see anyone enter your quarters."  
Ah, the miracles of omission. He KNEW they had gone in, but he hadn't SEEN them.  
He was sweating profusely, like anyone when Unohana questioned them.  
Isane saved him by walking up and whispering something in Unohana's ear.  
"You as well? I see..."

* * *

One Week Later  
Yachiru happily bounced on Kenpachi's shoulders. All the men were lined up, every man in the Gotei 13, save Yamamoto. The prank was ready, now for the execution.  
Kenpachi held one staff in his hand, Isshin held the other.**  
**

Next to him, Ikkaku and Yamuchika served as honor guards. Ahead, Johnson, Urahara, and Ukitake stood next to each other, the head of the parade.

"Is everyone ready?"

There was a chorus of 'yeehaws' and 'whoo!'s.

Johnson smirked. "FORWARD, MARCH!"

The men of the Gotei 13 trooped out, serving as the guard for the massive banner that Kenpachi and Isshin carried.

The banner carrying the images of the WSRA members, except Yachiru, in provocative positions.

The banner with "Men's Soul Reaper Association First Annual Panty Raid".

The banner made out of said female underwear.

* * *

Six Minutes Later

* * *

"Uhh... Johnson? Will the barrier hold up?"

Everyone turned to look at Johnson expectantly. They were now hunkered in Division 12, First Floor. The remaining floors had been converted into a 'burial' system, holding back anything trying to cross them.

"It better. I mean... Kenpachi..."

They all turned to see Kenpachi holding his knees to his chest, whimpering.

"A week ago, he was drawing a unicorn. Now he's been traumatized by angry women. I feel bad for him."

"Still. How do you stop an angry woman?"

Johnson pondered for a moment. "I know how. You redirect the anger."

"With what?"

Johnson turned and dug through a large box, before producing three things.

A CD, a cantalope, and a burrito.

"Captain..." started Urahara, "Are you going to make one of _those?_"

Everyone looked around nervously, sighting the snarl on Komamura's face.

"Alright, everyone." started 12's captain. "Now, now I make the most powerful thing the world has ever seen: The Annoying Uburrito."

Komamura openly growled, Urahara facepalmed, Ukitake winced, Hitsugaya flinched, and Johnson swore he could fell Yamamoto's reitsu, as far away as it was, flare.

"Yeah... I'd recommend that you all get earplugs..."

Urahara reached into his hat and produced a bunch. "Yeah... you will all need these..."

* * *

Yamamoto watched the women of the Gotei 13 try to tear away at the Division 12 barrier, which was holding surprisinly well.

As it turns out, it only exists in a form of glowing wall until struck. Then, it uses the spiritual energy of the attacker to form a barrier. It was essentially impenetrable.

Still, the divice couldn't hold up to the sheer force being delivered. Unohana had begun a kido barrage, Soi Fon was readying her Ban Kai, and Rukia was swearing as she struck a the wall.

"_Burn, baby burn! Lets go inferno! Burn, baby burn!"_

Yamamoto blinked as he saw the new, improved, Uburrito crawl out towards the people.

It stopped in front of Rukia.

"_You're as cold as ice! You're ready to sacrifice our loove~"_

Matsumoto readied her sword.

The Aburrito, as Yamamoto automatically called it, began to sing again.

_"I like beer because it's good. I drink beer because I should. When I throw up on the floor, I can go and drink some more!"_

"HRAAH!"

The Aburrito dodged and moved past, singing, "Can't touch this."

Before Yamamoto knew it, the women had all taken off after the Aburrito.

He blinked several times, then remembered what Johnson had said upon accepting the position.

_If you EVER predict Division 12, we did something wrong._

* * *

The members of the Gotei 13 underground stared at the monitor.

"So... what are we calling that?"

"I was thinking Aburrito. Uber Burrito, Uburrito. Annoying Burrito, Aburrito."

Kenpachi, who Ukitake had just used a memory modifier on, looked around confused. "What happened?"

Johnson cut everyone off. "We shall never speak of this again. On punishment of Kenpachi killing you."

Everyone nodded, and Kenpachi just grunted.

"Now that that is out of the way, I believe we should round up our divisions."

The captains nodded and departed, and Johnson stared at the floor for a moment before breaking into hysterics.

Urahara looked at him like he was crazy.

"I can't believe that we survived! The First Annual Panty Raid was a success!"

Urahara sweatdropped at his Captain's antics, rolling and laughing on the ground.

* * *

**AN: I divided this chapter in two parts, I felt it flowed better. Next chapter, hopefully later today!**

**Also, it starts reaching into other genres, but first and foremost, it's humor/parody. No, no suspense. Or horror. Angst, romance, family.**


	7. Chapter 5, Part Two: Broken

Present: Johnson's "Funeral"

* * *

Yamamoto gazed out at Division Twelve, the assembled captains, and sighed. He hated lying to them, he really did. But this was the only way for the plan to work...

"We gather here to remember the late captain of Division Twelve, Thomas Johnson."

Unohana lacked the smile that she usually carried, respectfully somber.

"Killed in a fight with two Vasto Lordes, Johnson didn't back down. His Ban Kai, the BleedingForest, shielded us, protected us. He struck down the threat to the Gotei 13, paying for it in his blood."

Members of the audience sniffed. Yamamoto noticed the Fourth Division Fourth seat among them.

"He did so with no regard for his own safety, or the price. He had been an outcast, abandoned by us. But, when we needed him, he came."

* * *

_Flashback_

_25 years after the events of Bleach_

* * *

Yamamoto stepped forth from the gate, the light fading away behind him.

He shunpo'd into the deep forest, knowing that he was in the Element of Earth, where he would be weakest and Johnson strongest.

He came to a house, set high on a tree. He could hear fire crackling, meat roasting.

He shunpo'd up, and knocked.

"Who are you kidding? You could kick down the door."

He didn't open it. What he received was neither invitation nor dismissal.

"I wish to speak with you."

"Goody, goody. The captain commander himself, off his high and mighty throne. Come to kick me out of my house, have you?"

Yamamoto sighed. "Please. I only ask for ten minutes of your time."

"Yeah. It took ten minutes to kick me out, just because you didn't like me."

Yamamoto rubbed his eyes. "It was a mistake. Please."

"...no."

Yamamoto grew agitated. "I came to offer you a position that needs to be filled."

"Not my problem."

His grip tightened on his sealed zanpakto. "Thomas Johnson! I demand you speak with me!"

The door opened, and he had to admit that the last four hundred years had been hard on Johnson.

His hair came down to mid back, shaggy and unkempt. It looked as if he only cut it every decade or so. His beard was shaggy, curled around his face.

"Find. Someone. Else."

He closed the door, and Yamamoto sighed. "Thomas-"

"Pleading does nothing."

"Thomas!"

There was no answer.

"I understand you are angry. The decision made was unfair, I should have recognized that. I-"

"Well, you don't listen. GO. AWAY."

"Thomas, I-"

The door ripped open again. Johnson had Yggdrasil in his hand, released.

"Your terms of banishment were clear, _Soutaicho. _No contact with active or inactive shinigami. I moved here, to the heart of the rainforest, to get away. I came here to live out whatever my life could be. And then, you show up, and try to act all grandfatherly. Let's make this clear. I don't care about you. I don't care about Hollows. I don't care about the Gotei 13. Yeah, Aizen approached me. I told him to go away, that I didn't fight anymore. He did. And yet, you, the one who banished me, think I'll still listen to you? Idiot."

The door closed again, and Yamamoto sighed. He didn't want to play this card, but...

"She's there."

There was no sound from beyond the door.

"She's Vice Captain of Four, now."

He heard a sigh. He knew to keep going.

"She's strong. Brave. Everything you taught her to be."

The door opened. Johnson glared at him, but there was fear. "No more."

"She missed you. Didn't want to get taller than you, even. She still-"

"NO. MORE."

Johnson's shoulders sagged. "Please. No more."

Now Yamamoto realized what he had done. Watching over Isane, being her protector, becoming someone... he'd had it all torn away, simply because he went above and beyond. And not even through experiments- he'd worked himself to the absolute best, Ban Kai, on his own... and been scorned. He'd been cast away, used and tossed aside.

"Johnson, the Gotei 13 need you. Our current captain of 12, Mayuri K-"

"You abandoned me. I fought for you. I became the best I could be. But a mere fourth seat, of Division Four no less, learning Ban Kai and mastering it? You found that unacceptable? I hold no ties to you or the Gotei."

Yamamoto opened one eye. "But do you hold any personally?"

Johnson's glare turned steely. "No. We have nothing to say."

The door closed again, and Yamamoto turned away. The last hope for bringing some honor back to 12, and he'd cast it aside. Yamamoto shunpo'd back to the gate site, feeling another hundred years older. Four hundred years, and Johnson still held a grudge, still held Yamamoto responsible.

_'Because you are.'_

That was it. Three words, three rare words from his zanpakto. He froze, and looked down.

'_You made him.'_

He closed his eyes. He'd acted in the best interests of the Gotei 13. He'd-

_'Dishonored him. Abandoned him. Killed him.'_

He hadn't killed him. He'd merely banished him, ridded the Gotei of a menace-

_'Broke him.'_

Yamamoto sighed. There was no harm done, he hadn't struck Thomas-

'_Wounding the soul and wounding the flesh are very different, Yamamoto.'_

His zanpakto fell silent. He stared at the ground for a moment, gently tapping the aged wooden staff.

"Is he my fault? Is all of this my fault?"

He thought back over the war, what it traced back to. Aizen had wanted power, prestige. Why?

Why had Aizen not gone to him, asked questions, given any hint?

It struck him. Why Aizen had betrayed the Gotei. Why Ichimaru and Tosen had abandoned their friends.

Because of him.

Because of banishing a Ban Kai because a fourth-seat learned it.

A single tear fell from his eye. It was his fault, his fault that war had broken out, his fault that Aizen had used the Hogyoku. His fault, all because of a mistake.

A mistake he never apologized for.

He turned, heading back to the hut.

As he arrived, Johnson was already there, Yggdrasil in hand.

"Leave, Yamamoto."

Yamamoto watched the man for a moment, before sinking to one knee.

Johnson watched, carefully, like a predator.

Then, all of his will broke when he heard two words.

"I'm sorry."

That was it. He stared at Yamamoto as if he couldn't hear what he had said.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry."

Johnson stared at him, then jumped down. Yamamoto, off handedly, remembered that he had never been good at flash step, hated it.

"Ban Kai!"

He watched, as out in the forest, a tree fell, crashing down. Then another. He could feel the turmoil in Johnson's energy, emotions fighting to take over.

Dust clouds were kicked up, and he recognized it from when they'd tried to apprehend Johnson. He'd used his Ban Kai, wreaked havoc on the Kido Corps sent to arrest him, slaying them all until Yamamoto himself appeared.

The aged shinigami waited at the house, until Johnson returned, eyes closed.

"I'll think about coming back. But not for you, not for the Gotei, and sure as hell not for anyone else. I'm going back for her."

"She won't recognize you. It's been four hundred years."

"I'll tell her. When I'm ready."

"And until then?"

"Until then, you respect me. I'll be respectful, but if you step one toe out of line..."

Yamamoto nodded. He would have to kill Johnson if he did.

"Very well. When you are ready to return, I have restored gate privileges. Use them when you are ready."

"If I ever am."

Yamamoto nodded. He departed, feeling lighter than before.

Johnson watched him leave, then, quietly, "Ban Kai."

The sword changed into his cleaver, but rough. The blade was chipped, rust coated it, and the handle was unraveling. He knew what it meant- Ban Kai was an expression of the soul. And, as he watched, a small chip regrew, filling in a tiny gap.

He smiled. It was a sad smile, speaking volumes of pain and misery. Four centuries, left alone, then he had the opportunity to go back.

He released the blade, and it changed back into it's kitana shape, which he hung at his waist.

_'Should I go back?'_

_'You're the boss. It's your decision.'_

Johnson sighed. He stared up, watching the twinkling stars, high above. Idly, he laid down, reaching one hand up, almost like he was trying to grab a star.

_'It'll be good to go back.'_

_'Maybe. It might hurt just as much.'_

He dropped his hand, staring up. He wasn't thinking, not really, but considering. He was allowing his heart to weigh the choices, to decide.

He stayed like that, watching the stars, until the sun rose.

* * *

_Fifty Years after the events of Bleach_

* * *

Yamamoto sighed, looking over the paperwork. Yet _another _of Mayuri's projects gone wrong, killing bystanders.

Not for the first time, he wished that Johnson had come back, had taken the position. The captains had been ready to select him, even.

He wondered -again, not for the first time- what would have changed. Why Johnson hadn't returned.

_'He is a broken man. You tore everything precious away from him.'_

The Captain Commander stared at his desk. He missed, now, the controlled anarchy that Johnson had injected to Soul Society. A free spirited American, among the cultural Japanese...

He didn't want to cast out Johnson. He was a powerful shinigami, trustworthy, faithful to a fault.

_Like Kurosaki, almost. Speak of the devil._

Ichigo walked into his office. "Uhh, Captain Commader sir..."

"Yes?"

"Thought you should know... some guy just ran in an killed Division 12's captain at the barracks. Everyone there saw it."

Yamamoto placed his head in his hands. "Who was he?"

**_Thump_**

He looked up to see the severed head of Mayuri staring at him. He looked up, to the muscled arms, to the black cloak, to the steel eyes under black hair.

"I'm back, Yamamoto."

Yamamoto could only stare at Johnson. Where twenty five years ago was a broken, soulless man, was now a terrifying figure.

His hair had been cut, and he had new resolve, slight amounts of reitsu flickering around his body.

"I'll be fixing the division if you need me."

As he walked out, he saw Johnson give a curt nod to Isane, before walking away.

"Who was that?"

Isane walked in, staring at the Captain Commander.

"Division 12's new captain."

* * *

Isane cried, Unohana's hand on her back. Even when the captain had been in a righteous fury, he had never raised his voice at her, never struck at her.

Unohana fliched inside, watching her Lieutenant cry, stifling her own tears.

Even after 400 years, he had never told her. Even after 400 years, Johnson had kept his feeling bottled up inside, controlling them. There were occasional flirty comments, gifts, but nothing extreme.

Yamamoto and Unohana both had tried to get the girl to talk to him, trying to get him to come out of his shell.

No one realized it. No one realized that when he was laughing, he was crying. When smiling, he was hiding his pain inside. When he drank, it was not to have fun, but to deaden the pain.

The only ones who knew were Unohana and Yamamoto. Yamamoto, because he was the one who found Johnson, brought him back. Unohana, only because Yamamoto told her.

But here she stood, watching her lieutenant's heart break.

And it broke her heart, too.

* * *

_"You know..."  
"What?"  
Urahara gave a wicked smile. "Isane hasn't heard about this..."  
"So?"  
"Maybe you'd like to, shall we say... give her a 'fond farewell'?"  
A moment passed. Johnson had no expression on his face, and Urahara had a wild grin.  
"Lieutenant."  
"Yes, Captain?"  
"When I get back, I'm blaming this all on you."  
"I would have it no other way, sir."_

Urahara didn't know. He didn't know his comment pulled at Johnson every time he went to sleep, every time he stared at his reflection._  
_

The captains who saw him exiled were gone. Second Division, Yourichi had been the lieutenant. She had pleaded with her captain, but been ignored.

Same with Fifth. Byakuya had solemnly apologized as Johnson was dragged away, tossed into the real world.

Urahara had tried to help, but was caught by Yamamoto. The captains had wanted him gone, away from them.

And so, Johnson lost everything.

He still remembered it all. The first time he saw Isane, the first time he used Shikai, then Ban Kai.

His exile. Every night he woke up in anger, sweaty, and barely controlled. Those first nights when he cried himself to sleep, the time when he was silent, dead to the world.

She had been his only reason. His only reason for waking up, gathering food, fighting.

He pounded a fist on his wall. _'I should never have come back.'_

_'Hey, boss. Don't talk like that.'_

_'This is the same. I'm dead. Gone.'_

_'Stop hurting yourself over it.'_

_'I lost everything that was dear to me, twice.'_

_'Yeah...'_

_'I couldn't talk to her. For six centuries. And even when we were face to face, I told her I was someone different, not her friend.'_

_'True.'_

_'And I lost her again.'_

_'So?'_

__Johnson pounded the wall again.


	8. Chapter 6: Final memories and New lives

"I can't believe this..."

Johnson stared at the small paper in his hand, with his new name on it.

"He really called me that..."

He crumpled the paper up, and tossed it to the side.

"I'll get him for this..."

"I'm sure you will, _John Tompson."_

"I will end you."

"Try me."

Johnson turned to Urahara. "Yeah, yeah. You're captain now, remember?"

"I know. And I called in a favor, and my Lieutenant is staying with you."

"Who are they?"

"You saw the records?"

Johnson instantly paled. "Oh no."

"WHAT ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT!?"

**BAM**

"OWW!"

Johnson was on the floor holding his now bloody nose, Urahara was laughing, and Hiyori was fuming, a sandal in her hand.

"I wouldn't talk about anything that could possibly offend her."

"DAMNIT, KISUKE! YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME!"

"DON'T TALK ABOUT ME LIKE I'M NOT HERE!"

**WHAM!**

"OW!"

Johnson was now trying to set the bones of his nose back in place, with Urahara doubled over in laughter.

"Kisuke, shut up. Hiyori, could you please not abuse my nose?"

"Fine."

"Thank you."

Urahara was still giggling. "In any event, she'll be your handler. Just try to stay out of trouble."

"For how long?"

"Until Division 12 suddenly finds your spiritual energy."

"Right..."

"In any event, there are some new things coming up. Ichigo turned down my offer, so Hiyori is my lieutenant-"

"I wasn't your first choice?"

Johnson gave Urahara a bloody smile. "Your turn."

WHAM!

Urahara fell down next to Johnson, cradling his nose as well.

"Anyway... Ichigo is being redeployed to a different section of the city. And, guess who's coming to visit?"

"Who?"

Urahara grinned. "Lieutenant Kotetsu."

Silence. Hiyori watched the former 12's captain stare at Urahara for a moment. Then blinked. Then swore.

(AN: I removed the actual swearing to maintain a 'T'. Suffice to say, it was graphic.)

"SHE'S coming here?"

"Uhh... yeah. Is that a problem?"

"Damnit... Yamamoto is a dead man."

Urahara's eyebrows stitched together. "Why?"

Johnson looked at him, and all humor and mirth disappeared. "What was the last thing you said to me? 'I'll try to get you back.'?"

Urahara froze as if he had been slapped. Hiyori watched his expression change from shock, to wonder, to anger.

"You never said a word. Six Hundred years, and you said nothing. Yourichi was stunned, Byakuya was silent, Unohana was surprised, and Isane was broken. Yet. You. Said. Nothing. Nothing! Didn't let us know it was you. Didn't tell us."

"Kisuke-"

"We had to fight together on the streets, both got into the academy, fought beside each other- and you said nothing."

Hiyori watched as the spiritual energy built up. It felt like the room would explode- and knowing the rarely-mad Kisuke, that was a possibility.

"Why?"

Johnson took a deep breath. "Four hundred years. Four centuries, I lived in isolation. I never saw another shinigami, Kisuke. Four centuries, with nobody. Yamamoto never told you that, did he? That as I was being tossed into the gate, I warned him about his actions, and that they would spread dissent. And he amended my sentence. Nobody, ever, would find me."

Kisuke was glaring, but it sofened.

"What could I say? How could I come up to you, after four hundred years, and say who I was? Kisuke, when I was still in the Gotei, what was my Ban Kai?"

"...You could summon an earthquake. But it changed?"

"I changed. Over the four hundred years, I became a new person. I'm not the Thomas Johnson that left Soul Society six hundred years ago. He's dead. Dead and buried. Isane... she was happy. She had gotten over my banishment, and went about her life. When she approached me, she suspected who I was. I denied it. Telling her would have opened old wounds."

"And you never saw Byakuya again."

"No... he's dead, too. I was sorry to hear that. He was the group's brains."

Hiyori realized who this was. This was the Thomas Johnson she heard Kisuke once talk about. Crazy, but methodical. Fun, but serious. Violent, but peaceful. She'd heard mention that he was connected to Byakuya and Isane, but here was the link.

"We're more alike than you realize, Hiyori."

The girl flipped her gaze over to Johnson. "Both of us. You, Visored, me, first Fourth Seat ever to master Ban Kai. Two hundred years before Aizen's little stunt with the Hogyoku, and the trick with the gigai's, I was banished. I was cast away into the world of the living, for surpassing a captain. There were three captains at the time who could not use Ban Kai. Yggdrasil... we worked to learn it, to control it."

He smiled. "Last time I used it, Isane was behind me. They wanted to arrest us, myself for learning the teqnique, and her for meeting with me about it, and not revealing it."

He looked down for a moment.

"That was the first day I took a life. That was the first day I killed. I wasn't Yggdrasil, I wasn't Thomas. I was something in between, a perfect shinigami, so to speak. We were working in tandem, and it took Tessai to hold me, with Yamamoto himself to make sure I couldn't harm anyone."

She noticed tears flowing.

"I wasn't going to let anyone touch Isane. When Yamamoto approached her, as if to kill, I snapped. All my energy went into one, powerful technique- I can still do it, Mjolnir Yggdrasil. Lightning Hammer World Tree. I struck Yamamoto when he was unprepared. That's where he got one of the larger scars on his back."

Kisuke picked up. "Tessai knocked him unconscious, leaving myself, Isane, and Yamamoto still conscious. Instead of catching us, he told us to run. I think that was it, for him. The moment he started to break away from Soul Society."

He produced a bottle of water and kept talking.

"We did. We didn't know where to go. We eventually ran to Division Four, and talked to Lieutenant Unohana. We tried, but only one captain said anything in Johnson's defense."

"That's... horrible." murmured Hiyomi.

"That's why, when the Gotei wanted to kill you and the other Visored, Yourichi, Tessai, and I all came to your aid. We remembered Johnson, and his fight. Isane didn't want to get involved, and Byakuya was all for killing you. When we got to the human world, I never found him. I could never find his energy."

He looked at Johnson. "And now I know why. When you were kicked out, your energy changed. You changed."

Hiyori moved to sit on the bed.

"Yeah. I'm sorry it took so long to get out."

Urahara shook his head. "We wouldn't have believed you. Do you still love her?"

Johnson stared at the ceiling. "She's the reason I came back."

"Not because Unohana made you?"

Johnson smiled. "No. Believe it or not, but Yamamoto himself came to talk to me."

"After four centuries, he has the gall to ask you personally?"

"I can't tell you how angry I was. And, when I came back, I killed Mayuri. After I gave Yamamoto the head, I was leaving... Isane was outside his office. It killed me inside, but all I could do was smile and nod."

Urahara put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm going to tell Yourichi; it's only fair she knows. She wanted to kill Yamamoto. Especially when, two years later, a large group was found to be learning Ban Kai. He changed Gotei policy, that angered her enough to his directly at him."

Johnson smiled. "Just tell her to visit, I'll tell her."

"And Isane?"

Johnson looked down. "I don't know. I don't want to hurt her again."

Hiyori bit her lip. This wasn't a discussion she should be listening to.

Urahara smiled. "How's Yggdrasil changed?"

Johnson smiled, and Yggdrasil formed in the room.

He was slightly taller than Johnson, with short, spiky green hair. He was thin, and wiry. In his hand he held the broadsword that was Johnson's shikai.

"Hey, Urahara. What's up?"

"It's been a while."

"Yeah. I'm trying to straighten things out. See you later."

He disappeared again, and Johnson leaned against the wall.

"You need to tell her."

"And what do I say? That I'm sorry for lying for 150 years? That I didn't want to hurt her? What?"

Urahara gave a sad smirk. "I don't know. You need to tell her, though."

Johnson gave a sad smile. "And how will she respond?"

"Try and find out."

Johnson nodded. "Alright. Just... give me time."

Urahara clasped his shoulder. "Alright. Take care of yourself."

* * *

**Six Centuries before the present**

* * *

Two shinigami walked down the shadowed street. Their hands were clasped, and they were simply enjoying each other's company.

The first was a young man, with black hair, shaggy over his face. His steel eyes watched everything going on, and he had his zanpakto stored over his back.

The other was a young woman, silver hair and grey eyes. Her zanpakto hung at her waist.

"It's kind of funny, really."

Isane squeezed his hand. "You shouldn't worry about it so much. Just use it if you have to."

Johnson shrugged. "And then what? I get caught, and then I have to deal with Yamamoto-soutaicho. Better just to get it out."

Isane was about to respond, when he grabbed her and yanked her away. A split second later, a long, chained zanpakto hit the ground where she had been standing.

"Thomas Johnson, Fourth Seat of Division Four, you are to come with us."

Division Two assassins dropped down, surrounding him.

He drew his blade from his back, the sheath fading away. "Why did you attack?"

"You unlawfully learned and trained in Ban Kai. You are to come with us, immediately."

He closed his eyes for a moment. "I'm going to Division One, now. Let Yamamoto-soutaicho decide."

"You are to come with us, now."

A blade flashed, and before the wielder could process it, his head rolled from his shoulders.

"Tell me to cooperate, then attack? I don't think so. _Make the earth writhe, Yggdrasil!"_

His kitana changed into a long, sharp broadsword, a vine motif decorating it.

"Take them down!"

One of the shinigami went straight for Isane, only to receive a blade in the stomach. A twist, and more blood splattered on Johnson.

"LEAVE HER ALONE!"

The attackers moved at him, and his blade danced. In under a minute, the aggressors lay in pools of their own blood, Johnson coated in a later of red.

"HALT!"

He turned, seeing members of the Kido Corps and Division Two.

"Stand down!"

"Like hell." Johnson snarled. Green spiritual energy began flickering around him, a giant tree taking shape.

"BAN KAI!"

His sword changed into a massive hammer, which he slung over his back.

Everyone took a step away as he raised it and slammed it into the ground. A massive wave of energy erupted, making the street buckle and turn. Under various members, the street collapsed entirely, dropping them down shafts.

"Take him down!"

Johnson ran forward, the hammer injecting high-pressure spirit energy into whoever it hit, causing their insides to effectively liquify. Kido was deflected off his energy flickering around him, and the weaker members had to leave as it nearly crushed them.

Eventually, the number of victims depleted as he either killed them or drove them off. As he finished the last one, he sensed two massive signatures behind him.

Turning, he saw Yamamoto and Tessai, head of the Kido Corps, standing behind him.

"Fourth Seat Johnson. You must stand down at once. Do so, and your sentence will be lessened for this... atrocity."

The hammer rose. "They struck first. I was heading to talk to you, but..."

"Stand down."

"Bite me."

Yamamoto nodded. "Very well. Reduce all creation to ash."

His staff changed into a flaming blade. Even from as far away as he was, Johnson could feel the heat.

"I'm honored. I get to see the captain commander's release."

He felt a hand on his arm, and looked down at Isane.

"Don't..."

He closed his eyes for a moment, then pulled his arm away.

"Yamamoto. You started this. You always said that you had to better yourself. That's what I did. Is this because you are afraid of something? Jealous? Or are you nothing but a puppet for the Captains and Central 46?"

"Ban Kai."

Isane could barely breathe as the spiritual energy in the area skyrocketed, the temperature increasing to dramatic levels.

"Johnson. You are hereby exiled from the Gotei 13. Your judgement will be withheld for the Captain Commander. Do you understand."

Johnson grinned. "I do, old man. Yet, you don't understand this."

He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, they had turned green. His hair was adopting a similar color, and slight green stubble grew around his face.

"Ken-nai chūnyū." (AN: Sword Infusion. Google Translate)

His motions were barely slow enough for Yamamoto to catch. He'd heard about the legendary state, where a shinigami could pull their zanpakto back into their soul, reaching new hights of power.

The hammer became enveloped in a green glow, as did Johnson, his eyes flickering with sparks. The comabtants began releaseing all their energy, flattening the builings around them, and pressing Tessai into the ground.

Isane tried to breathe, but couldn't under the weight of the pressure as the two fought. A second later, something grabbed her wrist, and she was pulled away, realizing that Urahara had arrived, using his shikai to pull her away in a net.

"Is that..."

Isane nodded. "He's fighting. Please, do something!"

Urahara looked down. "This is his fight. Watch."

She did, and saw the expression on face. It wasn't pleasure, or pain, anger. It was...

Love.

"He's fighting for you. Let him."

Tessai had enough. Stretching out his hands, he cast a kido on Johnson. Five iron pillars fell down, pinning him to the ground.

"LET ME GO!"

Yamamoto, feeling that Johnson was no longer a threat, turned to Isane. One eye opened all the way, and she was paralyzed.

"Now. You were with him."

"LEAVE HER ALONE!"

Tessai grunted under the strain of holding Johnson down. "Commander! He is breaking free!"

Yamamoto ignored him. Raising his sword, he pointed it at Isane.

"And now-"

"Mjolnir Yggdrasil."

The ground under Yamamoto spun and convulsed, and a massive worm made of earth burst forth, spinning above him before crashing down.

The Captain Commader's energy flared, and the worm burst into flames.

"Pitiful. You should have-"

He turned, and saw that Johnson had broken free. He was diving towards Yamamoto, hammer in one hand, the other shining a bright, verdant green.

The hand drove into Yamamoto's chest, and the aged captain was launched back, slamming through buildings at the force of captain-level energy, forced into a single, miniscule point.

After that exertion, Johnson collapsed, exhausted. At blinding speed, Yamamoto shot out and cut him across the stomach, causing Johnson to fall over and begin coughing up blood.

Yamamoto inspected the new wound on his chest. A six inch scar, shaped like an X now decorated his left pectoral, where Johnson had struck him.

"Impressive. Still, not enough."

He sealed his sword in the form of a simple katana, and swung, intending to decapitate Johnson.

His blade was blocked by Johnson's blade, now in sealed form.

"THOMAS!"

Isane ran over as Johnson collapsed, blood loss making the world go fuzzy.

She picked his head up as he coughed up blood, pressing one hand against his wound.

"Thomas..."

He coughed again, then looked at Yamamoto.

"She's... not... at... fault..."

The captain of the Fourth ran up and began performing healing kido on his wounds, enough to keep him alive.

"Idiot. Why'd you have to train in Ban Kai..."

Isane stood back, Urahara keeping a hand on her shoulder.

* * *

"Thomas Johnson. You have been tried and found guilty of Ban Kai."

"No shit."

Yamamoto's eyebrow twitched. "You will address me with respect."

"Why? You'll kill me anyway."

The assembled captains cringed. The boy was arrogant, but right. If he was going to die, why not do it with style?

"What do you say to the guilt of the others? Byakuya Kuchiki, Kisuke Urahara, Isane Kotetsu, and Yourichi Shiho?"

"If they were training in Ban Kai, it was without my knowledge, crazy old man."

In truth, Byakuya had recently unlocked his, and Kisuke was nearing his.

"Very well. What do the assembled captains have to say?"

The Fourth Captain spoke up. "Johnson has been an effective member of my division. I respectfully request the sentence be reduced to banishment."

Yamamoto nodded. "All in favor?"

Seven of the captains raised their hands.

"Granted. Thomas Johnson will be exiled to the world of the living. Dismissed."

The Kido Corps members with the collar guided Johnson away. At the door, Urahara looked up.

"I'm sorry. I'll try to get you back."

Johnson nodded, and then he and Urahara parted ways.

As he was pulled up to the gate, he watched Yamamoto and a young shinigami- Aizen, if he remembered- waiting.

"Do you have any last requests?"

"Just that you listen to me on this. You wanted the Shinigami to rise above and beyond. I did. And what do you do? Banish me. This will have far reaching effects, Yamamoto. Watch out."

Yamamoto glared. "You seek to speak to me, of treason? Enough. As part of your sentence, you shall never see another shinigami once you pass this gate."

Johnson's heart broke. "And you shall never understand, Yamamoto. You can order everyone away from me, but I don't need to do anything to affect you. You do so already, yourself."

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to see Isane.

"Guess this is goodbye."

She nodded.

"I'm sorry."

She looked down.

He reached up with one hand and lifted her chin. "Be strong."

He gave her a gentle kiss, then proceeded into the gate.

* * *

Two Hundred years later, during the Visored arc

* * *

Johnson stared at the tree. In one hand was his sword, sealed.

Two hundred years. A long time to not release a sword.

"Make the earth writhe."

Nothing. He expected it, though. He'd changed, and he knew it.

So, he closed his eyes, and called to his zanpakto.

With a flash, he was in his mindscape.

A dense forest surrounded him, the trees overgrown with dying vines and moss. The area was dark, and Johnson could smell decay.

"Welcome back. I was wondering when you would come."

He turned to see Yggdrasil sitting on a branch.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's my fault too. Well, ours, seeing as we're technically one spirit."

Johnson snorted. "Yeah."

They both stared at the other. "Well, you're here for my release phrase, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you know it."

Johnson opened his eyes, and stared at the sword again.

"Shatter the earth."

The sword changed into a broadsword, the blade decorated with a tree motif.

"Ban Kai."

Instead of the hammer, the blade changed into a giant, beaten up cleaver. Tattered green tassels stemmed from the guard, and the tang was uncovered. The blade itself was dull and chipped, with the side coated in a thick layer of rust.

He released the Ban Kai, allowing his sword to go back to normal.

He stared up at the stars, as if asking for guidance.

"Where do I go from here?"

He stared at the stars, wondering what exactly his life had become.

"What purpose do I have?"

Nothing. He gave a sad smile, and retreated to his home for the night.

* * *

Broken Hearts and Broken Dreams

25 years after Bleach

* * *

Unohana watched her Lieutenant from a distance.

She knew exactly why she came here, every year, this day.

Still, she wouldn't interrupt.

Her silver-haired lieutenant stood in front of the gate, watching. Remembering that day, when the Gotei 13 lost one of their most powerful members.

Every year, Yamamoto recived a request to end a banishment. Every year, he turned it down.

"It was a mistake."

Unohana turned to see Yamamoto. The aged shinigami raised an eyebrow.

"We need him. This last war proved that. Even when he was at the gate, he tried to warn me. I didn't listen. He was always loyal, until that."

Unohana turned to look at her Lieutenant. "Yes."

Yamamoto nodded, then slowly walked to the gate, before activating it and disappearing.

* * *

Johnson spun the massive cleaver. It no longer held quite the damage, but it was in better shape than before.

Sealing it, he felt reiatsu he hadn't felt four four centuries.

"Him..."

* * *

Fifty years after Bleach

* * *

Johnson stared at what lay before him. The most powerful, demonic, evil thing to ever be created.

Paperwork.

Really, he didn't get the point. Before his banishment, paperwork was basically telling Yamamoto: "Yeah, it's all cool."

...Which is exactly why he created a spiritual virus that simply wrote "are we cool yet?" all over.

But now, he had to actually do something. Urahara had outright refused, stating that "It was a battle for men" and "Captain's duty."

There was only one man, no, not a man, a MAN he had to see.

He would know what to do.

* * *

"Kenny! Clown-face's replacement wants to see you!"

Kenpachi rolled over and fell out of his bed, landing with a solid thunk.

"Yachiru..."

"She left."

Kenpachi looked over at the new Division 12 captain. "What do you want?"

"How the hell do you take care of paperwork?"

Kenpachi blinked. "Say what?"

The door opened, and the new Eleventh Third Seat walked in.

"Captain! Get up, now."

"Tatsuki, I have _no _patience for that right now..."

Johnson looked at the girl next to him. Her uniform had been cut off at the shoulders, with bandages going up her arms. Spiky black hair, and glinting eyes.

Tatsuki Arisawa rolled her eyes before drawing the zanpakto at her waist. "Pound."

Her sword changed into dual knuckles, which she began pounding into Kenpachi's stomach.

Johnson merely stood back and watched. He already knew about his rather... rowdy neighbors.

"I SAID GET UP!"

"YES MISTRESS!"

Tatsuki left as Kenpachi pulled himself up. "Mistress?" asked a suddenly _very _confused Johnson.

"Shut up."

"Tell you what. We'll fight, and then you help with the damn paperwork."

"Sounds good to me."

* * *

Division Eleven spilled out to watch the fight.

Everyone watched as Kenpachi and Johnson stood across from each other, Kenpachi rolling his shoulders, and Johnson cracking his knuckles.

"You sure you want to do this?"

Johnson laughed. "I should be asking you that."

Kenpachi drew his sword, Johnson doing the same.

"My sword's in constant release. Come on, release yours."

"SHATTER THE EARTH, YGGDRASIL!"

The broadsword almost hummed in anticipation.

"Ready?"

"Bring it."

Moving at high speeds, Johnson made to cut through Kenpaci's chest, only to be blocked.

"That the best you got?"

Johnson smiled across closed swords, and Kenpachi felt a finger on his chest.

"Hado number one: Sho."

Now, the power of kido is determined by two things: Power and precision. By influencing the amount of _power _that was put in, the spell would be more powerful, but not as accurate- with enough power, Sho effectively became force push. Wide area, but short range.

Precision, on the other hand, allows greater strikes at long range... but weaker.

As Johnson literally could not miss, and the full force of the spell would hit Kenpachi, he fired it as powerfully as he could.

Kenpachi was blasted back, slamming into a tree and destroying it.

"Nice. I never learned kido. No point."

Johnson leveled his sword. "Come on, the legendary Zaraki Kenpachi, brought low by level one kido? A shame."

Kenpachi grinned. "You're clever."

He shot forward, trying to catch Johnson in a downward slash.

Instead of falling for it, though, Johnson stepped to the side, dug his sword into the ground, and used it as a fulcrum to flip and catch Kenpachi in the chin, knocking him away.

Kenpachi laughed, bringing a hand up to his eyepatch.

"I'll never touch you otherwise. I need to rampage."

Everyone scattered, retreating as far as they could and still watch the fight.

Pulling the patch off, Kenpachi's spiritual pressure skyrocketed.

"LET'S FIGHT!"

Running forward, he failed to notice Johnson's hand glowing.

Diving forward, he caught Johnson's blade on the downward swing, and suddenly felt a pressure in his gut.

**BOOM**

The hit from Johnson's energy infused hand knocked Kenpachi into the air, causing him to land a dozen feet away.

"Now, Kenny. You have no kido, but incredible strength. I have much less strength, but higher speed, some kido, and very precise energy control. What I just did there was redirect all my spiritual pressure into one, single, infinitely small point, using it to strike- be honored. Only one other person has ever experienced it."

Kenpachi stood up, dusting himself off. "Impressive. That actually cut me."

There was indeed a small wound, but deep. If Johnson had struck the heart, Kenpachi would be dead.

"Now... LET'S FIGHT!"

He charged towards Johnson, who ducked and swung at Kenpachi's legs, slicing the shins open, then abruptly leapt up, driving his shoulder into Kenpachi's gut.

The Eleventh's captain let out a breath of air, then laughed. Off to the side, Yachiru was laughing. "Yay! Kenny's really enjoying this!"

Johnson flipped back, one hand on the ground as Kenpachi stood up.

"Well, aren't you going to unleash your energy?"

Johnson grinned. As the dancing yellow skull appeared behind Kenpachi, a massive green viking appeared behind Johnson.

The two ran forward, and there was a shockwave as they hit.

* * *

Far away, Yamamoto flinched. He knew all too well what Kenpachi was fighting. He only hoped that the two captains would survive.

* * *

"Faster, Kenny!"

The spiky-haired captain was outright laughing, now. An opponent who could kill him if they wanted, fighting him for the sheer joy of it.

The blows Johnson could not stop were redirected. Those he could not redirect were absorbed.

"Come on, show me everything!"

"Alright. BAN KAI!"

Ten trees erupted around Kenpachi,

"My Ban Kai. The Forest of Dying Blades."

Kenpachi laughed as Johnson faded away into one of the trees, merging with the wood.

"COME AND FIGHT ME!"

Kenpachi began pumping out his energy as fast as he could, making the barracks strain under the weight.

Johnson did as well, and the building was beginning to buckle.

There was a flash, and Kenpachi noticed the new slash across his chest, definately from a massive blade.

He looked over to Johnson, sitting in a tree, a massive blade in his hand.

"Now, Kenny. Let's do this the fun way, eh?"

He sunk into the tree, erupting a moment later to bombard Kenpachi with a rapid series of strikes. Kenpachi, now adjusted to the speed of the attacks, managed to block many of them.

"Enough."

Kenpachi hit Johnson with a kick, and the Division 12 captain flew back, smashing through several walls.

* * *

"Lieutenant Kuchiki. Will that be all?"

"Yes Cap-"

BOOM

The entire wall of the office for the Captain of Division 13 caved in as Johnson fell to the ground, before standing up and cracking his neck, grabbing the massive blade, and sprinting away.

"Lieutenant."

"Yes Captain?"

"If you wouldn't mind, please alert the Fourth about impending damage to all divisions."

"Yes, Captain."

* * *

Kenpachi smiled as Johnson sprinted back. They were both low on Reitsu, and they knew it. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been pushed so hard, and he was loving it.

"HRAAA!"

Johnson had flipped the blade onto his back, the last three feet of the blade and the handle standing above his shoulder. As Kenpachi watched, energy flickered around Johnson's feet, and the blade folded in half, making it only seven feet long.

"New trick of mine, Kenny!"

He caught Kenpachi around the waist and kept moving, smashing through the walls with Kenpachi as a human shield.

* * *

Hitsugaya raised his eyes as the sound of yelling, swearing, and screaming reached him.

A wall of the office exploded, barely settling before Johnson and Kenpachi had already destroyed the next wall.

He stared down at the paperwork, then went right back to it. Once you live next to Eleven, the strangest is normal.

* * *

Mugrumura's eye twitched as he watched the walls finish crumbling.

"I'll get them for this..."

* * *

Shunsui raised his eyebrows as the wall exploded, showering him with debris and slight amounts of blood.

Nanao ran in, worried. "Captain!"

"Hm?"

"Are you alright?"

"No..."

"What happened?"

Shunsui looked down. "They got dust in my sake."

* * *

Komamura blinked as the wall exploded, then put a hand -paw?- to his head.

It would be a long day. He could tell.

* * *

Renji dove, nearly being trampled by the massive figures of Johnson and Kenpachi.

"What the hell!? That could have hurt! Roar, Zabimaru!"

He threw the blade after them, but failed to reach.

"Damnit!"

* * *

Shinji had to blink several times before he entirely understood what had just happened. Namely, that the walls of his office were crumbling.

"Well... that Johnson is rather interesting..."

* * *

Johnson barely noted that Unohana's office was empty, and continued his reitsu-enhanced run with Kenpachi. His right arm was bleeding, and Kenpachi's back was clearly damaged.

Still, both were laughing like maniacs as he ran.

* * *

Rose finished tuning his guitar just to the way he liked it. Smiling, he turned to go back to his desk, only to hear the sound of screams and pain coming from his walls. Instantly, he grabbed his guitar and hid behind his desk as the Eleventh and Twelfth captains ran through, demolishing everything in their path.

* * *

Soi Fon jumped up to her ceiling when Kenpachi and Johnson quite literally burst through, leaving a clear trail of destruction.

Yourichi was already up there, grinning at the two below.

"Lady Yourichi! This is an outrage! How can-"

"Relax. I'm surprised it took them this long."

Soi Fon could do nothing but gape.

* * *

Yamamoto finished with Unohana and Isane.

"Now, you two are sure that-"

"WHOOO!"

An entire wall of his office exploded, tripped Johnson, and sent both captains flying into the wall.

Johnson and Kenpachi both stared around, saw who they were with, and did the resonable thing.

They burst into hysterics.

Yamamoto quirked an eyebrow. "What is so funny?"

Kenpachi spoke up, as Johnson was trying to breathe past his laughter.

"We made you a shortcut to the Captain's offices."

Isane gaped at the two, still in hysterics, Yamamoto opened both eyes just so he could blink at them, and Unohana... still had that strangely pleasant smile on her face.

Johnson managed to pull himself to his knees, leaning on a barely upright Kenpachi for support.

"How did this happen?" asked Isane.

"Paperwork." both of the invading captains said at the same time, before doubling over in hysterics.

Unohana smiled some more. "Well, you should have a check up after such strenuous activity."

Kenpachi blanched, and Johnson's eyes widened.

"Uhh... we'll pass." said Johnson.

"And why is that?"

Johnson grabbed Kenpachi and threw him out the window. "That's why. See ya!"

He dove out the window, as Unohana turned back to Yamamoto.

"Captain Commander, that reminded me. It's time for your yearly physical."

One.

Two.

Three...

Yamamoto jumped out the window, yelling, "WAIT FOR ME!"

Isane blinked several times, trying to understand what just happened.

Unohana shrugged. "Oh, well."

* * *

Kenpachi and Johnson sat around a fire. After the escapades in the Divisions- already called "The Hole in the Wall"- they had taken it to the woods. After quite literally fighting all day, leaving both covered in bruises, cuts, scrapes, and smirks, they had decided not to even bother going back, just camping in the woods overnight.

"I still can't believe you got us away from Unohana."

Johnson laughed. "Yeah, then Yamamoto jumps out after us, only for Unohana to yell at him. Yell! she even used the Voice!"

Kenpachi shook his head and bit into his rabbit. "You're a crazy son of a bitch, you know that?"

"So are you."

Idly, Johnson called his Ban Kai, and studied the blade.

"How'd you get it?"

Johnson looked up at Kenpachi.

"What, Ban Kai?"

"Yeah."

Johnson shrugged. "It's different for each person. I heard Yamamoto fought a dragon or some crap, Ichigo had to beat his own zanpakto, and that Renji had to survive for ten days against his own Ban Kai."

Kenpachi shook his head. "No. How'd you talk to your sword?"

"Well, it's different for me, but..."

He leaned back against a tree, the sword going back to sealed state.

"Yggdrasil is an elemental type zanpakto. Earth. Yamamoto's is fire, Hitsugaya's ice, and I heard that the scar on Yamamoto's head came from a lightning Ban Kai. I guess that you have to find what embodies both you and the element, and identify it. I had to go to Death Valley in the living world, a hot, dead area, and bring it life. For a time, I tried fighting the elements, before I used Shikai to move dirt from outside. The next day, there was a sprout. I brought life to a dead land. That's when Yggdrasil gave me my Ban Kai- my first one, at least."

"First?"

"Long story, and I don't want to get into it, but when a shinigami changes enough, especially if it is traumatic, their shikai and Ban Kai can change. There was... an unpleasant incident, and mine changed."

"How'd your sword talk to you?"

"It's the same as your conscience. It's not so much a real voice as it is feelings and emotions. Just take some time every night, before you go to sleep, to listen to yourself. That's the best way to start."

Kenpachi nodded.

"But I wouldn't worry about it too much. I'm one of the greatest fighters Soul Society has ever known- you, me, and Yamamoto are all up there.

"Yamamoto? But the old man beat you, easy."

"I didn't go all out. How old are you? Over six hundred?"

"Yeah."

"You remember the day that waves of green and red reiatsu washed over all of Soul Society?"

"Yeah."

"That was the last time Yamamoto and I fought. We fully intended to kill each other."

"You fought Yammy?"

Yachiru came bounding into the clearing, clearly excited to find Kenpachi.

"Kenny! Did you have fun?"

"I had plenty. How'd the day go without me?" Kenpachi ruffled Yachiru's hair playfully. Let it never be said Zaraki Kenpachi is a bad father.

"It went fine. Johnny, you fought Yammy?"

Johnson smiled. "It's a really long story, and I don't like to discuss it. But yeah, I fought him. That was the day I used that technique for the first time. I never named it, though. That was also the day I used my Ban Kai's main attack, Mjolnir Yggdrasil."

"And what's that?"

"Ban Kai."

With the massive blade in his hand, Johnson lept and spun the blade, digging the tip into the ground.

"Mjolnir Yggdrasil!"

A massive worm of rock and dirt erupted, diving down on an unfortunate tree.

"That's what it is. It opened Yamamoto up for the hand strike I use. It went through you, and it gave Yammy a scar."

Yachiru hopped onto Johnson's shoulder. "Yay! You're part of the family! Uncle Johnny!"

Johnson was thrown off for a moment. It was hard to remember that the little girl on his shoulder was one of the most powerful shinigami.

"Thanks. Glad to be part of it."

He turned to Kenpachi. "Don't expect to see me at the family reunions."

Kenpachi guffawed, and Johnson joined in a moment later.

"So, Johnson..."

"Yeah?"

"What else do you know about Ban Kai's?"

"I was one of the first to attain one. As the shinigami in question learns to wield their Ban Kai, it changes, also as they mature. Like Hitsugaya, for example. His Ban Kai is still developing, changing as he matures. I wouldn't be surprised if he turns into an ice dragon when it's complete."

Kenpachi pulled a bottle of sake from a pocket. How it survived was anyone's guess.

"Who are you?"

"Thomas Johnson, Division 12 captain."

Kenpachi took a drink. "And?"

Johnson shrugged. "I can't make you promise not to tell. Same with Yachiru."

Kenpachi nodded. "Fair enough."

They sat for a few more minutes, with Johnson staring at the stars, while Yachiru talked about buffing Ikkaku's head.

'_The stars are nice tonight.'_

_'A lot better than the real world, eh? Man, you humans are nuts, making everything dirty and grimy...'_

_'True. So true.'_

He sat there, watching the stars flicker and twinkle.

"Hey, pass the bottle."

Kenpachi tossed it, and Johnson took a drink before passing it back.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it. Hell of a fight you gave me."

"That, and a lifetime supply of Uburritos."

Kenpachi laughed.

"I can see the advertising now. 'Uburrito! The food of champions! Seriously. You need a permit to buy them.'"

Yachiru laughed. A second later, she curled up on Kenpachi's lap, fast asleep.

Johnson smiled at the sight.

Kenpachi noticed. "You have anyone?"

"Hmm?"

"You care about anyone?"

Johnson shrugged. "I don't know, anymore. Four hundred years ago, yeah. Now? I don't know. Anyway, let's get some sleep."

He jumped up into a tree, where he braced himself.

* * *

The Next Morning

* * *

Unohana and Isane walked through the woods, searching for the two missing captains.

"Captain, are you sure they're this way?"

"They're near. Let's keep going this way."

"I'm just saying, that-"

"Let's go this way."

"Yes Captain."

They wandered through, until they saw Kenpachi sleeping against a tree, Yachiru curled up in his lap.

Isane couldn't help but 'Aww' at the sight.

They looked up, seeing Johnson in a tree as he yawned.

"'Mornin. What's up?"

Unohana smiled. "We came to find you. How are your wounds?"

"Fine. Yachiru wasn't involved until late last night. Try not to wake her up, that could end badly."

Unohana nodded. "I understand. Captain Commander Yamamoto wants to see you."

Johnson groaned, dropping his head against the tree. "Great. ANOTHER lecture..."

"Another?"

"Yeah... Put simply, he once ticked me off, and I let loose Yachiru with enough caffeine to kill a whale..."

Isane instinctively cringed.

"In First Division..."

Kenpachi twitched in his sleep.

"Don't get me wrong, it was funny, but..."

He sighed. "Better go see what the old man wants."

* * *

He entered the office- with a tarp tossed over the holes- and stood before Yamamoto.

"What."

"Your actions yesterday-"

"Getting to know the neighbors."

"I hardly think that the Captains of the Gotei 13 accept your actions in managing to break through all of their offices."

"They'll cope. I mean, come on. I unleashed a super burrito, performed the largest panty raid known to man, and then unleashed a super annoying super burrito- which I hear has taken quite the shine to Captain Komamura."

Yamamoto grimaced. "Erm.. yes. He isn't very appriciative of Division 12 now."

Johnson waved his hand. "Irrelevant. Point is, I play with the captains. I had tea with Ukitake, and I drove Kenpachi through dozens of walls."

Yamamoto put one hand over his eyes.

"If it makes you feel any better, I haven't flooded the area with bizzare marshmallow creatures."*

Yamamoto flinched. "How did you hear about that?"

"Kenpachi."

"I should have known..."

"You should have."

* * *

"Captain. It has been requested that you speak at the academy."

Johnson blinked as he turned to Urahara. "Say what?"

"The Academy has requested that you speak later today."

"Do I have to?"

"It is expected of all captains."

Johnson rolled his eyes. "Fine."

He stepped out, walking the streets to the academy, where he was guided to the auditorium, as he arrived mere minutes before his speech.

Stepping up to the podium, he cleared his throat to get their attention.

"Some of you know me, some do not. I am Thomas Johnson, captain of Division 12, and head of the Shinigami Institute of Research and Development."

"Boring!"

Without looking, he launched a Sho, knocking the kid over. "Anything else? No? Good. I was literally told about this today. Why? Because nintety percent of the time, I'm in my labs. The other ten percent, I have to go to meetings, eat, and sleep. And I usually eat while working."

He heard a face palm behind him. Ignoring it, he pressed on.

"That's my usual day. Wake up, usually in my office, grab some quick food, run to the labs, go back to sleep. It's when my day is unusual that there's a problem."

He took a deep breath.

"I'm a captain. Yeah, obvious. Here's the thing. I have to watch over my subordinates, take care of whatever the old man comes up with, track reiatsu signatures, and handle all seals for Lieutenant-class shinigami and above. When something wierd comes around, I have to study it. When something goes wrong, it's my job to find out why."

He took a moment to look around at the faces of the students.

"And there have been times I've nearly died. I'm a Captain-class shinigami. I have over six hundred years of warfare experience, and it has taught me one thing: Work with everyone. My Lieutenant was an exile, and he learned that well. I had to learn to fight as one with my zanpakto, just to survive. If you try to hold yourself higher than anyone else, you'll get your ass handed to you. Yamamoto fights with his captains, and works with them. He listens to their council, and makes reasonable decisions. In return, they follow him. If it was any sort of council, nothing would ever get done."

He smirked, thinking about Central 46

"Some of you may go first. Some second, some third... it doesn't matter. You WILL go to one of the Thirteen Divisions. When that happens, you need to do one thing: Think. Nine times out of ten, thinking about how to defeat your opponent will lead you to victory. Zaraki Kenpachi, the craziest captain, even he thinks about his opponent, figuring out how to defeat them."

"Ikkaku Madarame. Third Seat, Division Eleven. Figures out his enemy."

"Lieutenant Kisuke Urahara. Genius. Thinks about his enemy."

"Yamamoto himself. If he doesn't just flatten them through sheer pressure, he thinks about them."

"Always remember: Your brain and your zanpakto are your most powerful allies. And if all else fails, fight."

He turned and walked away, heading back to Division 12

* * *

Six Hundred years before present

District 64

* * *

A silver-haired girl ran down an alleyway, her feet smacking on the stone. In her arms, she carried a young girl, crying.

"Shh... it's okay, Kiyone..."

"GET BACK HERE!"

Several men charged in after her, just on her heels.

"Leave me alone!"

She ducked down a smaller path, and was met with a solid wall.

"Oh no..."

The men behind her laughed. "Nowhere to run now, eh?"

She put the younger girl down and pushed her behind herself.

"Isane..."

"Well, girly? Anything to say?"

"Please, leave me alone..."

One of the men laughed and moved forward. "Not going to happen, girly..."

There was a sharp whistle from above. Looking up, they saw three figures stading on the wall.

One had a ridiculous green geta and a green and white bucket hat that held down sandy blond hair. The second was a girl in an orange jumpsuit with amber eyes and purple hair. The third was the most intimidating, though, if the zanpakto on his waist was any indication of his power.

"Really? Didn't we already take care of you guys? No, wait... that was another group."

One of the men snarled. "Punk kids."

"Punk?" the girl asked. In a flash, she disappeared and reappeared next to the man, driving her hand into his chin before flickering away.

He fell down, nursing his jaw.

"Now..." The shinigami- if that's what he was- started. "It's impolite to make a lady do something she dosen't want to do... and you know what's really funny? I'm self trained. I'm not part of the Gotei 13. So I have no hang ups about killing you."

"It's true." started the bucket hat wearer. "He'll kill you."

The men sneered, and one threw a rock.

"Forget this. Make the earth writhe."

The sword changed into a broadsword, and he dropped down between Isane and the men.

"Three."

The men looked around.

"Two."

They readied their fists.

"One."

Dropping the sword, the ground began to buckle and twist, spikes eupting in a cage, trapping the men inside.

"What a bunch of idiots... are you alright?"

He stared Isane in the eyes, and she nodded her head.

"Good. Well, I'm off."

He jumped up to the wall, and the three disappeared.

Isane gasped, then grabbed Kiyone and hugged her.

"Sis?"

"Yes?"

"Will we ever become shinigami?"

Isane smiled. "Someday."

* * *

Six Years Later

* * *

Isane and the other trainees all waited for their instructor.

"Why's she so late?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think something happened?"

Isane merely stared at the door, waiting. A moment later, it opened.

"Class, I have some good and bad news. The good news is, we have three seated officers coming in to assist today. The bad news is, it's the Trio."

Isane raised her hand. "Ma'am. Who're the Trio?"

The teacher was about to answer, when there was a yell from outside.

"Kisuke, what is that?"

There was a muttered reply.

"No. No, you're not taking that in. Give me that."

There was the sound of a struggle, and a blond haired boy was launched into the class.

"Yo, everyone. I'm Kisuke Urahara, fifth seat of Division Two."

A flash, and a purple haired woman was next to him.

"Yourichi. Fourth seat of Division Two."

Finally, a black haired shinigami walked in, smacked a hat on Kisuke, and turned to the class.

"Thomas Johnson. Fourth Seat of Division Four."

There were three responses. Several students began calling out where they broke the rules, some laughed at the trio, and Isane stared.

"Hey! Everyone shut up and calm down."

The class fell silent, and Kisuke pulled something out from his geta.

"Okay... so..."

"Kisuke. Why, on earth, do you have another one?"

Kisuke threw Yourichi a grin. "We're not on earth, remember-OW!"

Johnson had conked him over the head. "Kisuke, quit digging your own grave."

He turned to the class. "Split into three groups: Kido, Swords, and flash step. Now!"

The class divided almost instantly, and the Trio separated to each group, Johnson to swords, Yourchi to flash step, and Urahara to kido.

Johnson looked over the recruits. "All right. Which one of you is allegedly the best?"

A muscled, cocky student moved up. "I am. I've got the moves to beat a measly fourth seat."

Johnson raised an eyebrow. "Prove it."

He drew his sword, and several students stepped back. The challenger gulped, and drew his bokken.

"Hey!" he turned to look at one of the students, glaring at him. "You can't possibly fight with that!"

Johnson nodded. "So true. Make the earth writhe."

He was now holding a broad sword, and everyone could feel the energy pulsing.

"First Lesson: Speed. Hit me."

The challenger gulped again, and swung.

He didn't hit. The blade bounced harmlessly off the ground, and he turned to see Johnson plant a knee in his face, knocking him onto his back.

"I have greater speed. Thus, I use it. I didn't even use my shikai special ability."

Everyone stared at him.

"Remember: Speed is better than power. It doesn't matter how hard an opponent strikes if they can't hit you. Next!"

By the end of the first cycle, he was sorely disappointed. None of them understood that.

"Alright, swords to kido, kido to flash step, flash step to swords, go!"

The students cycled. The next group fared no better. The third group got interesting, though.

One girl had her zanpakto already, and faced Johnson.

"Sting, Suzumebachi!"

As her sword took shape, Johnson applauded. "Good. Now we're on even terms."

The girl shot forward, and he blocked the strike. Instantly, her foot was coming around to hit him in the head. Reaching up, he caught it, sealed his sword, twisted her leg, and slammed her into the ground in a moment.

"Interesting, but needs practice."

The girl pulled herself up, and glared.

"Don't feel bad. Yourichi pounds on me all the time. It's nothing personal."

"Speaking of which, Fourth Seat," started the teacher. "How about a demonstration?"

Johnson shrugged and looked at the other two. "Well?"

They nodded, and everyone trooped outside to a training field.

"A bit small..."

Urahara rolled his eyes, but the gesture was lost. "Come on."

They stood apart, and Johnson held up a hand. "Three, two, one."

The students watched as the three moved in, limbs and blades flailing and flashing, rapid combat too fast for most to see.

Soi Fon stared at the orange haired woman. _Yourichi is beautiful..._

Isane couldn't help but feel that she had seen them before.

The teacher was praying that damage would be minimal.

"Hado #1, Sho!"

There was an explosion of power, and Urahara was launched away, leaving Johnson and Yourichi.

Two seconds, and Johnson was launched, skidding to a stop in front of Isane.

"Give me a hand, will you?"

She reached down, and suddenly felt herself go off balance as he grabbed her hand, used a burst of reiatsu, and flipped over her, landing on a tree.

Urahara pulled himself up. "_Ye lord! Mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! Inferno and pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south! Hado number 31, ******Shakkahō!"**_

There was a flare of red, and the students watched as a full power level 31 hado was blocked by a massive wall of green energy.

"Lesson Two: Reiatsu! When used properly, it can fulfill many tasks!"

They all gaped, thinking that the sheer power unleashed was at least Captain level, if not stronger.

"Lesson Three: Reiatsu enhancement!"

He blurred, and then was striking at Yourichi with incredible speed, pushing her to her limits.

"GRAH!"

He fell down, clutching his right arm. Yourchi shook her head.

"I told you. That much energy going through would break something."

"Ow..."

Isane ran over and gripped his arm, one hand glowing.

"Here."

Johnson's arm shook as the bone was set back in place and sealed. To his credit, he clenched his teeth and didn't cry out.

"Where did you learn that technique?"

"From... some friends... back in the world of the living..."

"It's too dangerous to use!"

"It works. Wait... you seem familiar..."

She gestured at his sword. "Make the earth writhe?"

"How did..."

"You saved me."

He blinked, before recognizing her. "So I did."

* * *

"I want you to help me train."

Urahara, Yourichi, and Johnson all turned to see Isane watching them from the edge of the clearing.

They had just been sparring, though decidedly more brutal, as Johnson and Urahara both released their blades, and Yourichi wasn't pulling punches.

Urahara blinked, and Johnson grimaced.

"Yeah... about that..."

Yourichi moved forward. "Sorry, but without a zanpakto you'd be more likely to get seriously injured."

"I-I can heal myself!"

"Fast enough?" asked Johnson. "It's actually regular for one of us to drag one of the others to Fourth. Hell, what's-his-name, a class up- he got hurt, real bad, but I can't remember... Whatever. Anyone who trains with us has to have three things."

Urahara spoke up. "Shikai, kido experience, and a tough body. Sure, you can use healing kido, but that's it."

Yourichi put a hand on her shoulder. "It's nothing personal."

"And if I get those?"

"We'll consider it." Replied Urahara. "Also..."

He turned to Johnson and fired a low power kido that refracted off of bark-like reiatsu.

"Resume."

Isane didn't leave, instead watching the three go back to fighting. Urahara's strength wasn't speed like Yourichi or Johnson, but was able to adapt alomst instantly to any situation, and use it to his advantage.

Johnson had raw power combined with a fluid grace- he committed to sequences, and used them to execute simultaneous attacks from the ground and his sword.

Yourichi moved with a speed that Isane could barely follow, flickering between the two, dealing powerful blows at every opening.

"GRAH!"  
Johnson fell over, clutching his chest. The other two were next to him in an instant, supporting him.

"You!" Yourichi barked out, pointing at Isane. "Go warn Squad Four, now!"

Isane bolted, leaving Urahara waving a strange metal rod over the unconscious swordsman...

* * *

"...It's the strangest thing. His body's producing way more energy than it really needs. What happened, in simple terms," started the Captain of Division Four, "Is that in the attempt to use the energy, it distributed it to the hardest working parts of the body."

"The heart." Stated Urahara simply.

"Yes. The strain was too much, and it damaged the left ventricle. He's out of it right now, and we're looking into solutions. But, as soon as he gets out, he needs to launch several high-power kido a day. No strenuous labor, it could upset his condition. As it is, his stunt with the nerves could do some lasting damage."

Yourichi spoke up. "Any idea why this is happening?"

"Sadly, no. The only ones that ever really suffer from this are extremely powerful shinigami, like Yamamoto-soutaicho. The Soul Sciences are still strange to us."

Urahara nodded. "Would any readings from the incident be helpful?"

The Captain blinked. "You have readings?"

Urahara nodded and produced a small metal wand, and opened the base, producing a small chip. "This has the data. I hope it helps."

They all turned to look at the door, wondering what happened to Johnson...

* * *

_**Johnson's mindscape**_

* * *

"Hey! Hey! BOSS!"

Johnson flailed his arms as he woke up, looking up at the massive tree. Instantly, he realized where he was.

"Yggdrasil! What happened?"

"Erm..."

Johnson glared at his zanpakto. "Tell me..."

"You were knocked out..."

"Why?"

"Er, well, you see, um... I realized that, um... I can... getevenmorepowerful!"

Johnson blinked. "What?"

"Well, you see, I can, um... apparently, alter your mindscape to better accommodate me, as well as boost your power. I'll gain special abilities!"

The Fourth seat's eyes widened. "Are you telling me, that you... can do _Ban Kai!?"_

"Us, but... yes."

"Can I just ignore it?"

"No..."

"And why not?"

"Well, think of your Soul Sleep as a balloon..."

"Yeah..."

"And Ban Kai gives you a bigger balloon. Follow?"

"...I'm not liking this..."

"Well, you've still got the spike from initializing Ban Kai, but..."

"My Soul Sleep is the same size."

"In a nut shell, yes."

"...This is bad."

"I had stronger words for it..."

* * *

Isane took third shift. Watching over the swordsman, she held a device to contact Kisuke Urahara if Johnson woke up.

_What could have happened?_

There was a twitch from the bed, and she narrowed her eyes slightly.

Twitch. Twitch. GASP.

Johnson's back arched as his lungs took their first, conscious breath of oxygen in eight hours. His eyes were glinting, and he blinked several times.

Isane missed that they blinked green.

Pressing the buttons to call Urahara, she felt the pressure in the room suddenly increase, several small items near the bed smashing under the weight.

As she struggled to breathe, the Captain and Lieutenant Unohana burst in, running over.

"Thomas! THOMAS! WAKE UP!"

He blinked, and the pressure lessened, the captain calming.

"What was that? When you came in, your reiatsu was barely fourth seat. What you just did is Lieutenant level..."

"I-it was?"

"Easy. You made poor Isane choke."

He looked over sheepishly. "Umm... sorry?"

"You know, you should give her flowers, or chocolate to make up for it..."

His eyes snapped over to Urahara and Yourichi in the door. "Funny. Maybe she would like a cat fur bucket hat..."

Yourichi snarled, while Urahara grinned. "The machines are all ready-OH GOD THAT HURTS."

Nobody saw exactly what Yourichi had done, but they could see that Urahara was in intense pain.

"Now, Yourichi." Started the Lieutenant. "You really shouldn't do that to people."

The room dropped in temperature, and Johnson uttered a quick prayer of thanks to whatever deity determined that Unohana wasn't facing him.

"Yes Ma'am."

"And you..." She turned her smile on Johnson. "Have there been any changes to your diet, at all?"

"No. My habits have continued as they have for the past several years." He tried not to shiver at the smile.

Yggdrasil spoke up. _'Oh gods! Not the smile not the smile not the smile!'_

"Well, I hope you get better soon."

They left, and Urahara walked up to Johnson. "That's not true."

He sighed, and gestured his friends over. A second later, Isane heard a swear from Kisuke.

"So what now?"

"I'm... going to roll with it."

"And be killed?"

"I'll die if I don't."

Isane couldn't help but gasp.

"In any event, I need to vent energy for the time being."

"Yeah... The Captain mentioned that."

"Yggdrasil explained what happened. I'll share it with you, later."

Urahara nodded, and Yourichi stared.

"You'll tell us everything?"

"That I know."

* * *

Return to Present

* * *

Urahara nodded as Johnson finished telling everything that happened to him. From the time of the exile, to the return, his pain was evident.

"So why didn't you tell us?"

"Unohana was less than pleased, Byakuya was naturally annoyed at my attitude, and I was... afraid."

Hiyori sat to the side, waiting.

"Now, we're in my home town, and I need to warn you both about some things. Urahara, the shinigami are not responsible for the souls of New York, correct?"

"Right..."

"And why not?"

"Apparently, someone else is taking care of it."

"Correct. I went straight from well, 'human' to shinigami."

"How?" That was Hiyori.

"In the world, each people have their own version of the shinigami. In Africa, the Witch Doctors perform konso and hunt hollows, in asia the shinigami, and in America... the Shamans."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"First: if you see a human with more feral traits looking at you, don't get aggressive. Shamans are an even fight for captain-class. Second: Don't use your mask unless they're already fighting you. Don't attract attention. Third: If they ask you to return to Soul Society, do so. Be respectful. That... should keep you safe."

"But, how did you go from human to Shinigami?"

"Easy. I used to be a Shaman."

Urahara blinked, and Hiyori raised an eyebrow. "What can they do?"

"They, like the Quincy, use energy around them. However, the Quincy move it outside to outside. The Shamans force it through them, allowing them to use certain powers."

"Like what?"

"Embodying the elements, animalistic shapeshifting, elemental enhancement."

Urahara nodded. "And I take it there are fewer of them?"

"When I left, there were four for the entire state, including myself."

"And that was..."

"Literally about ten minutes before I met you."

Urahara gaped. "Seriously? Wow. That's fast."

"Yeah, yeah. Hiyori, couch or bed?"

"Bed."

"Damn. 'Night."

* * *

"Hey! Get up!"

Johnson opened one eye to see Hiyori glaring at him.

"Okay... what happened?"

"Something's going on down town."

He rolled his shoulders, popped his soul candy into his mouth, and stepped to the window, pausing to remove his haori.

"I thought captains always wore those."

"Technically, Urahara's the captain."

Hiyori rolled her eyes. "Come on."

She jumped out the window, Johnson following. A second later, the arrived to see an Adjuntas-class hollow climbing the side of a building.

"Damn. This is going to be tough."

"Wait for it..."

Hiyori turned to the senior shinigami, then felt energy wash over her. A hawk was flying in circles above, and as she watched, it dived.

"What's it thinking? It'll be killed!"

"Watch it."

As the bird dove, lightning crackled around it, before punching completely through the hollow.

Johnson couldn't help but laugh at Hiyori's expression. "Yeah, that's what I thought the first time I saw a Shaman in action."

* * *

_"Come here, boy."_

_"Father!"_

_A young, black haired boy ran through the forest, running from... he didn't know what._

_"HAH! Come here, child!"_

_He tripped, skinning his knees. As he turned, something hit the creature._

_A large wolf pulled itself off the beast, shaking its head to clear it. Turning, it saw a small boy huddling, watching the new creature._

_The wolf itself was nearly six feet at the shoulder, and well muscled._

_It trotted forward, changing into a young woman._

_"Are you from the village?"_

_The boy nodded._

_"I'm sorry, it's..."_

_The boy nodded dumbly. He'd barely escaped._

_"Hey, you could see that, right?"_

_"Y-yes, ma'am."_

_She smiled. "You can live with me, if you want. I'll teach you some things."_

* * *

Johnson shook his head to clear the memory. Ironic, that that woman would soon die, and be reborn as Retsu Unohana.

He smiled to himself at that. Even in 'death' his master was watching out for him.

The hawk circled several times before landing in front of the pair.

Shifting, a blond boy with goggles on his head was crouching on the wall.

"Hey, you two could see me? What are you?"

"Thomas Johnson, ex-shaman and ex-shinigami captain."

"Hiyori. Visored and Shinigami Lieutenant."

The boy looked at Johnson. "Wait... only one known shinigami remembers he was a Shaman... you're Silverwolf!"

Johnson shrugged. "I was."

"Cool! I heard you once fought a dozen pinnacle class!"

Hiyori looked at him. "Vasto Lordes."

"What did your shift look like? Was it silver?"

Johnson held up a hand. "Later."

The boy nodded. "Oh, man, I'm sorry. I'm Keith Ridgeburn."

"Ridgeburn? Descended from Salaziel Ridgeburn?"

"Direct."

"Nice. He was an impressive hawk. Shame how he died."

Keith nodded. "I heard the stories. Oh! The rest will want to see you, it's not every day a legend shows up!"

"Legend?"

Johnson rubbed the back of his head. "Uh, yeah..."

"I mean, a Shaman of the Wolf! The last one, too!"

"Last?"

"After you died, your apprentice suffered severe trauma. She... didn't make it."

Johnson nodded. "It's been six hundred years. I'd known she died. I just didn't know the Wolf line died out."

Hiyori waved a hand. "I'm lost here."

Keith blushed and rubbed his head. "Shaman power lines are given through bloodlines, or an adopted child. Each Shaman adds something to the line."

Johnson spoke up next. "My master discovered how to allow the Wolf line to increase size. I found out how to cause the fur to change to more of an armor."

"Who was your master?"

"Sarah Johnson." stated Keith.

"Now, this is ironic, but..." started Johnson. "She's in Soul Society, right now."

"Where?"

"She was reborn as Retsu Unohana."

Hiyori blinked. "So that's why you're not scared of her."

Keith nodded. "The Wolves were one of the most vicious lines, just under Wolverine and Mongoose. Seeing a Wolf angry was a sure sign of imminent pain."

"Anyway, you wanted us to come along?"

Keith nodded. "Come on!"

He dropped off the side of the building, and a hawk was seen flying away.

"Well, better follow him."

* * *

"Hiyori. Stay close, and stay quiet."

"Why do I have to listen to you, again?"

"There will be at least a half-dozen captain-level Shaman in there. Trust me, angering them will end badly."

"How badly?"

"I'd have to explain to Urahara what, exactly, his Lieutenant is doing spread across five states."

The blond frowned, but said nothing. The pair stood in front of the doors to the warehouse that served as the home base for the Shaman.

"Why a warehouse?"

Keith smiled. "We had a penthouse, but then this Rhino line guy came along, and, weeeelllll..."

"Holes in three floors?"

"Five. It was a real problem to explain how, exactly, we got a rhino up there."

Johnson chuckled. "It's not as bad as the time these guys in Boston saw a crow riding on a wolf's head. Dressed like Natives. Weird bunch..."

Keith smirked. "Yeah, the Shaman weren't nearly as close knit in those days."

"I really only worked with Samantha, though. Apparently Master angered most of the other lines with her Howling Wolf attack, even if it was incomplete."

"Howling Wolf?"

"Like your Thunderbird, a Wolf Line attack. After going into wolf form, the Shaman can call spirit energy wolves to assist in combat. It got its name as to use it, the Shaman howls."

"Cool!"

"Also, nice job on your Thunderbird. I only saw one that good when I fought Salaziel."

Keith blushed again. "Er, thanks."

The door opened, and a man who reminded Johnson of a mole poked his head out.

"Keith! Why would you bring a shinigami and a hollow!"

"Relax! This is Silverwolf, and his apprentice!"

The mole looked around. "But... I smell hollow..."

Johnson spoke up. "Long story, it's not a threat."

"But-hollow-"

"As current Master of the Wolf Line, it's not a threat."

The mole guy nodded.

"Terry..." started an annoyed Keith.

"Oh-oh. Right."

He led the trio into the warehouse, where it appeared that the front half had become living quarters, while the back half was an open-air training field.

"Rachel and Jack are in the back, boss wants to see you."

Keith nodded. "Let's show her a legend, eh?"

* * *

The grey woman at the desk rifled through the paperwork. Hollow attacks, income streams, complaints, spiritual activity...

She sighed as she rubbed her temples. Running all Shaman activity in the northeast was taking its toll.

Still, she was one of the four Shaman that had originally been in the area, and the other three were dead.

_Or is Thomas half-dead?_

There was a knock on her door. "Come in."

The door opened, and three figures walked in. Keith, the resident fanboy and flyer, what felt as both a shinigami and a hollow, and what was definately a shinigami captain.

"Keith. Why are there two shinigami in my office?"

Keith smiled. "Boss, this is Silverwolf and his apprentice."

The boss froze. "Thomas?"

She decided to use her alternate form, the crow, to see what was going on with his reiatsu.

As she shifted, Thomas blinked. "Samantha? I knew that the Crow line was long-lived, but damn."

The crow shifted back. "Yes, we can live for millennia. It's good to see you."

The two embraced, and Keith scratched his head.

"Uhh... what am I missing?"

"Keith, Samantha and I go way back. Like, 1600's back."

"Thomas! You shouldn't mention anything about a woman's age."

"Fine. Keith, I'm well over 600 years old."

"Well duh..."

"And she's twice as- OW!"

Hiyori had jumped up and kicked him in the face, while Samantha had struck him in the back of the head, sandwiching said body part.

Keith blinked as one of his idols, Silverwolf, merely fell to the ground, his face in the carpet.

"Uhh... are you alright?"

"Just... get some ice... Now I know how Kisuke felt OW!"

Hiyori had kicked him, again. Unsurprisingly.

Keith nodded, and silently slipped out of the room.

* * *

"So, Thomas, how have things been?"

"Life story? Got killed, became a shinigami, enlisted, got exiled, came back, became a captain, and faked my own death to get out of a cooking class from my boss."

Samantha blinked several times. "Pardon?"

"...it's complicated..."

"I can tell. Also, what is going on with that girl with you? She seems to be both Hollow and Shinigami."

Johnson winced. "And here comes the REALLY strange part..."

Ten minutes later.

Samantha gently stirred her tea. "So, this... Aizen fellow, betrayed the Gotei 13 for power, completely ignored the rest of the living world, went to Hueco Mundo, and got himself killed by a child with a sword?"

"I guess. I was in exile the whole time."

"So, tell me about Soul Society."

"Uhh... other than the fact that I'm officially banned from fighting the Division Eleven captain... after an incident where I managed to put holes in the offices of all the captains... in one attack... with the other captain as a weapon..."

"Who is that?"

"Zaraki Kenpachi. The guy loves fighting. I fought him so he would do my paperwork."

"And did he?"

"I stuffed it off onto my Lieutenant. The same one who started the whole mess."

"I see."

"It's my personal punishment to him."

"Paperwork should not be inflicted on any man."

"Even one that nearly destroyed the afterlife because he was bored?"

"...That's a surprisingly excellent point."

Johnson smiled as he brought up the tea. "He did earn it."

* * *

Keith smiled at Hiyori as he showed her around the area, finishing on the training ground.

"...and that's it."

The girl glared at him. "What was the point of all this?"

Keith kept his smile, but winced on the inside. "We... don't get a lot of guests, so we like to show off."

"Fine. Show me what you've got."

Keith moved out to one side of the field, Hiyori on the other.

"Alright, missy. You asked for it."

* * *

"So, what can you tell me about that girl?"

"She's violent..."

* * *

Keith tried to struggle away from the brutal armlock.

"OH GOD IT HURTS!"

* * *

"Tempermental..."

* * *

"PERVERT!"

"WHAT!? BUT I- OH GOD NO!"

* * *

"Sadistic..."

* * *

From the sidelines, two more Shaman watched.

"Wow... that's pretty rough."

"Yeah... popcorn?"

"HELP ME!"

* * *

"But can also show a kind side, if you look for it... and squint... and turn your head a little..."

* * *

THWOK

"Did... she just take out Keith with a water bottle?"

"I think so..."

* * *

"Who else?"

"Old Man Yamamoto, Master was reborn as Division Four Captain Retsu Unohana, and then there's the whole dynamic with Division Two's leaders..."

* * *

"Lady Yourichi!"

"Captain... (yawns)"

"Are you alright Lady?"

"I'm fine. I just had a catnap."

"EVERYONE! CATNAP! NOW!"

"HAI, CAPTAIN!"

Yourichi sweatdropped.

* * *

"I see. I take it that you have otherwise been well?"

"...for the most part."

"Why the hesitation?"

Johnson leaned back. "You always made jokes about me finding someone. And, when I went to Soul Society, I did."

Samantha smiled, but it was sad. "It didn't work out?"

"You're familiar with Ban Kai?"

"Yes."

"Yggdrasil- my sword- tried to activate it forcefully. When he did, it basically overfilled my Soul Sleep, the source of shinigami powers. In order to survive, I had to achieve Ban Kai. However, at the time, doing so was considered treason. I was exiled. Four hundred years later, Yamamoto came back and asked me to return. I did, and he was the only one who knew who I was."

"And the girl?"

"I wanted to tell her, but I was afraid. Afraid that my return would just hurt her more."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah... Soul Society is a weird place. I had to fake my death to get away from a cooking class."

Samantha blinked. "Truly?"

Johnson laughed. "You have no idea..."

* * *

The Next Day

* * *

Isane stepped out of the senkaimon.

"Alright, Hanataro. Are you sure you want to come along?"

The Fourth seat nodded. "Yeah... After Captain Johnson's death..."

Isane gently squeezed the younger reaper's shoulder. "It'll be fine. Come on, let's start our patrol."

They moved towards the edge of the building, only for a large wolverine to stop in front of them.

"SOUL REAPERS!"

Isane gripped her sword, and Hanataro readied to use kido.

"Hey! Jack, wait!"

A hawk landed next to the wolverine, raising its wings.

"Wait! Boss wants to see us."

The beast growled. "They shouldn't be here."

"Neither should Silverwolf!"

The wolverine blinked. "Really? Silverwolf?"

"Well... as much of him as is left..."

The wolverine nodded. "In a moment."

It glared at the shinigami.

"You should not be here. New York is under Shaman jurisdiction. Leave at once."

Isane growled. "Our orders are to handle all Hollow and Spiritual activity."

Hanataro gently tugged on her arm. "Uhh... Lieutenant... we shouldn't fight them..."

She pulled her arm away, glaring at the animals. The hawk had one wing over its eyes, and the wolverine was clearly readying to pounce.

"No. The shinigami-"

A new voice cut in. "Are responsible for Japan, Greater China, and Soul Society. As stated in the treaty, America, Canada, Greenland, and Northern Mexico are under our jurisdiction. Please, I would like to avoid an incident."

They turned to see a young woman glaring at them.

Isane rolled her eyes. "Please, stop interfering."

"Fine."

The woman closed her eyes, and her body changed. Deep brown fur grew over her skin, her clothes changing to the same. He mouth extended, becoming a muzzle, and her hands grew. In just a minute, a Grizzly stood over the two. A fifteen foot grizzly.

The wolverine spoke up. "Yeah... you might want to listen..."

The hawk nodded. "Even if you were Captain level, which you aren't, you couldn't hold an angry Liz at bay. Seriously."

The bear spoke up. "My friends were a bit rude. You are welcome in New York, provided that you remain uninvolved in Shaman affairs."

"Just-"

Hanataro cut in. "Thank you. We'll remain quiet and out of your hair."

The bear nodded, shrinking back down into the young woman. The hawk changed into a blond haired young man, and the wolverine changed into a man who looked like a biker.

"I'm Jack, this is Keith, and that's Liz."

Isane shot a glare at Hanataro. "Thank you. I am Lieutenant Isane Kotetsu-"

She noticed Keith's eyes widen at the name, then go back to inscrutable.

"-and this is Fourth Seat Hanataro Yamada."

The Shaman nodded. "Just behave."

The wolverine and bear shifters went to the stairwell, while the hawk man simply jumped off of the edge.

Isane turned to Hanataro. "What was that!?"

Hanataro swallowed. "Well, um, you see, Captain Johnson once said the Shaman were vicious fighters, easily captain class, so-"

Isane held up a hand. "Enough said. Just warn me next time."

Hanataro nodded. "O-oh kay."

* * *

"HEY! HEY, SILVERWOLF!"

Theidividual in question staggered out of the room the Shaman lent him. "What?"

"Your girlfriend just arrived in the city."

Johnson stared down at Keith. "One: She's not my girlfriend. Two: I knew she was coming."

Keith's smile faltered, and Johnson ruffled his hair.

"Don't worry too much. Thanks for telling me, all the same."

Keith's smile picked up, and he followed Johnson down the hallway.

"I heard you would help us train!"

"Well... It's been 600 years since I last fought as a Shaman... but I'll see what I can do."

They entered, and he looked over the three and sighed.

"What?"

"Where's your armor?"

They looked at each other. "Armor?"

"Each line's armor..."

They just blinked, not understanding.

"Really? The Hawk Aeorie was lost? Man, Salaziel would be ticked..."

Keith frowned.

"And what are you two?"

"Bear."

"Wolverine."

Johnson rubbed his temples. "Any rats or ravens? I know Samantha is a crow."

"...No."

WHAM!

They stared at where Johnson had punched the wall.

"You three... are going to be my hardest students..."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Johnson turned around. "Ravens, crows, rats, cats, and dogs can all identify and trace nearly undetectable reiatsu. They're "Tracker" class. Bears, wolverines, and gorillas are "Brawler" class. Wolves, deer, hawks, eagles, and monkeys are "Hunter" class. Keith, do you ever seem to see auras?"

"Sometimes."

"That's the 'Tracker' part of you waking up. Focus on the auras more. You'll be able to see them through walls. You, bear-"

"Liz."

"Liz. As a bear, you're not as fast. With you three, the best method of attacking is Keith, draw it in, Liz, distract, and you-"

"Jack."

"All-out attack it. Operate in teams. You'll have to learn that the hard way."

They frowned. "How?"

"One week, back here."

* * *

"Urahara, can you handle that?"

"Sure! Jinta and Ururu will be over within the week to handle it."

"Excellent. By the way, Hiyori has terrified them."

"Ha! I thought she would."

The former Twelfth captain smiled. "Anyway, I also need you to start opening the opportunities for Shaman to join with the Gotei. The world's grown too large to be controlled by- how many? Three thousand?"

Urahara nodded. "As soon as it gets any headway, I'll tell you."

* * *

Eight Days Later

"Line up!"

The three took positions across from him.

"Alright... none of you have your Line armor... and have no idea how to fight... alright. This area has been lined with specialized materials that will mask my presence. I'm going to go all out on you. Cut me, and you win."

The three smiled. "You can use any tricks, traps, abilities, or ideas at your disposal. I will do the same."

"You're going down, old man!"

"Begin!"

Jack leapt forward, changing into a wolverine as he did so.

PUNT

The animal went flying back, hitting the wall and falling, dazed.

"GROAWR!"  
The bear tried to grab Johnson, who merely placed the tip of his sword- still sealed- against its neck. As the hawk dove down, he grabbed its talons and held it upside down.

"Pitiful. It's over."

He let them go, and they lined up in front of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Samantha watching.

"Why did you lose?"

"You were too fast?"

"Wrong."

"Too strong?"

"Wrong again."

"Experience?"

"A little. You three didn't work together."

"They have a tendency to do that."

Johnson turned to see a young woman walking up to him. Her blond hair was pulled back, and she had a dark glint to her eyes.

"And you are...?"

"Rachel."

He raised his sword. "Let's see what you can do."

She smiled, before slinking down to all fours. Unlike a regular lion, her fur was spiky and a deep blue.

Nemean.

"Well... shit."

* * *

**AN: From here on out, it's present. Needed to set some things up.**

* * *

Onake: On The Wearing of Pants

One Month before Yamamoto's cooking class

* * *

Johnson rolled out of his bed and onto the floor.

That was perfectly normal. After all, he had used the pain of dropping onto the floor as a means to get him up for a long time.

Today, however, he was exhausted. Last night had entailed running from a loose experiment, accidentally 'touching' Soi Fon, running some more, and hiding under his bed with a zanpakto and a rosary.

Who knew the Division Two captain had such a powerful Ban Kai?

Still, he knew that his screw up would be unpleasant, and merely grunted as there was a knock on the door.

"Captain?"

_Damnit. I do NOT want to deal with Urahara..._

"Yahdm." (AN: Morning speak.)

"Uhh... Captain?"

"What..."

"There's a captain's meeting, in one hour."

Johnson looked up to his clock.

It was already three in the afternoon.

Dropping his head onto the floor, he groaned and reached over to grab the bottom of his haori and pull it onto him, dragging himself upright.

As he exited his quarters, Kisuke blinked several times. "Uh, Captain..."

"Not a word, Kisuke. Not. One. Word."

"Erm... yes sir."

He stumbled around for a few minutes, before making his way to Division One. As he entered, he noticed everyone staring.

"Okay. There must be something I did..."

Isane was blushing, Renji was barely holding back laughs, Soi Fon had a hand to her face, and Yamamoto sighed.

"Captain Johnson. Would you kindly explain the location of your pants?"

"...damnit."

* * *

***Statement in question refers to 'Fade to Black'.**

**In regards to the technique Johnson uses, it seems reasonable. Kenpachi uses his reiatsu as a shield, while Johnson goes more on the offensive with it. In comparison, think of the Chidori from Naruto. The idea is that with EXTREMELY precise control, all the force that presses down on people from Captains is focused into a single point. Think of a sledgehammer compared to a much more dense hammer with the same weight. Same force, smaller area.**

**And WOW. This chapter got LONG. I had no idea when to end it, so...**

**But, I'm happy with the result. First time a chapter broke five digits.**

**The Shaman are the North American equivalent of the Shinigami, if it wasn't clear enough. I'll elaborate on their powers in later chapters. Suffice to say, form swapping and elemental control. And yes, there is a plot. LATER CHAPTERS! DANCE MY PUPPETS!**

**I needed to finish Johnson's past, and what was covered here is about it. The Shaman are powerful, but few of them.**

**Anyway, off to work on the next chapter. No more flashbacks. Trust me, it all comes full circle...**

**Well, I'm going to go to sleep. And dream of bunnies and fishcakes. Peace out.**

**~BigBoom550~**

**P.S. I'll send up a spam chapter around christmas, or sooner, with a christmas party. Kyoraku and Rangiku get drunk, Yamamoto and Unohana dirty dance, and Johnson researches a way to bleach his eyeballs.**


	9. Chapter 7:Returns and Revelations

Johnson took off his shirt and stood across from the deep blue lion.

"Scared?"

"Nemeans are a bit of a problem for me."

The lion grinned. "Better hold on tight, then."

It bounded forward, and Johnson immediately released his sword.

"Shatter the earth!"

Driving it down, he made a solid wall of soil erupt before him, then leapt to the side as the lion simply batted through it.

"Faster! As a Nemean, you need to move through motions efficiently!"

The lion snapped at him, circling.

"Wrong. It's one-on-one. Circling gives no advantage and presents your side for attack."

"I'm invincible!"

Johnson had a flashback to Kenpachi. And the stories about Aizen.

"No one is. Mjolnir Yggdrasil."

A worm of earth burst out of the ground, smashing into the lion's side.

With a cry, the lion fell over, panting.

"Wrong: Never, EVER flout advantages. The less an opponent knows about you, the better. Kill with absoulute, minimal force. If one of their buddies sees you, they can report to the chain of command."

The lion changed back into a panting woman, her hand on her side.

"How... how did..."

"They didn't tell you? Fine. I'm Silverwolf, Shaman head of the Wolf line, Captain Johnson of Division 12 of the Gotei 13, Captain-level shinigami, and Head of the Shinigami Institute of Research and Development. I'm powerful and smart enough to know how to use that power against my opponents. You knew I was an unknown. Your best bet would have been to stay back and observe, waiting for my first move. Also, your 'invulnerability' is just a hardened shield of reiatsu around your body. I, literally, drove a guy with such abilities through several walls, well, more than several, and have techniques specially adapted to punching through such fields."

The woman gasped as Samantha ran several healing techniques over her sides.

"Tsk. This is a Captain you're facing. He could have killed you!"

"Easy. When you were down, I could have walked over and used this. Target!"

Keith ran over with a large wooden target, which Johnson appraised.

"Watch my energy."

He released his spiritual pressure, and then began to focus it, before smashing his hand into the target. As expected, the entire back of the target exploded into nothing more than splinters.

"That's what I can do. That's not even my most powerful technique, or even the most powerful version."

Keith spoke up. "Then how do you get stronger?"

Johnson smiled. "Ban Kai."

The dirt that formed the floor of the arena was tossed up as winds ripped around him, obscuring him from view. As they faded, they saw that Johnson now had a massive cleaver in one hand, with green tassels extending from the guard down the five-foot handle.

There were new parts, too. His clothes now had a green overcoat, not dissimilar to Ichigo's Bankai coat. The coat itself had brown lines extending along the seams, and had a tree emblem on the back.

"Huh. The coat's new. Shaman activity must have changed it. Go figure."

Everyone was staring at him.

"How- but-"

"Ban Kai is the pinnacle of Shinigami sword techniques. Normally, there are three states to a sword: Sealed, Shikai, and Ban Kai. To release into Shikai, the shinigami in question calls out the name of the sword and a release phrase, though more powerful shinigami can just use the release phrase. If the Shinigami has inferior control over their energy, the sword can stay released. In release, the sword gains abilities. Mine can alter the earth. In Ban Kai, the shinigami has to earn the absolute trust of the sword. Then, they can call out 'Ban Kai' and unleash the full potential of their sword. Yggdrasil can create trees that I can phase through, but the more I create, the slower I become, and the more it taxes me."

Everyone was still examining his blade.

"Uhh... still paying attention?"

Keith shook out. "That's incredible!"

Johnson smiled. "Glad you think so."

"Are there other techniques?"

"Depends on the sword. Buddy of mine had a technique called "Final Getsuga Tensho". He used it in the war. Nearly left him a normal human. I, and several others, can use Ken-nai chūnyū, but it is rather risky. One of the Captains can use his reiatsu as a shield, and another has what we all call **The Voice.**"

"The Voice?"

"Think of a certain, indistinguishable tone that forces you to obey."

"Oh."

"Normally, she's pretty laid back and kind. Anger her, and she'll kido you to the next life. Nearly killed me when I accidentally glued two of her officers and her Lieutenant to the ceiling."

"Kido?"

"Oh, I have so much explaining to do..."

* * *

"Isane's latest report has some... unforeseen problems."

Yamamoto turned his head. "Do tell."

"The Shaman are active, and defensive. It appears that they stayed their hand on account of Hiyori, but Isane and Hanataro were accosted as soon as they entered."

Yamamoto nodded at Unohana. "Pull them out. We cannot afford to appear to breach the treaty."

"Yes, captain."

He banged his cane on the ground, and the Captains soon filed in.

"We have received reports from the land of the living. It would seem that New York, in North America, has begun emitting strange signatures."

"Is it credible?" Always the perfectionist, Toshiro Hitsugaya turned to Kisuke.

"Positive."

"Like the energy pills?" asked a clearly bored Kyoraku.

"...more positive..."

"What do the signals suggest?"

"We never focused on the areas aside from Greater Asia, as is our territory according to the Sharing of Spiritual Powers treaty. We... have nothing to compare the signatures to. my current belief is that they are Shaman."

Yamamoto nodded. "I have been in contact with Dante Freemont, the current head of the Shaman, and he has also noted the anamolies. I have decided, with his blessing, to send Captain Soifon to investigate in one week's time."

Soifon nodded. "Understood, Sir."

"The rest of you: Dismissed."

* * *

Two Days Later

* * *

The Shaman, all five, lay panting on the ground while Johnson rested his weight on his _still _sealed zanpakto.

"I... really don't get it. You three are the most incompetent people I ever worked with. There is a complete lack of any real ability with the elements, or in Terry's case, care to use it. You work independently, and fail to recognize what the others are doing... it doesn't matter that I'm captain level, but you guys are pathetic."

Jack pulled himself off the floor, only to be knocked onto his back by Johnson's sheath.

"I really don't know how to get through to you..."

"Perhaps _I _can be of help?"

Johnson turned to see a man in a dark suit, with graying hair and a pair of sunglasses walk up.

"Dante Freemont, leader of the Shaman." he stated, holding out a hand.

Shaking it, Johnson smirked. "And you already know me."

"Indeed I do. I overheard your comment about elemental control. I trust that a demonstration could help?"

Johnson smiled. "Go for it."

Pointing a single finger up, Dante allowed a giant bird of fire to erupt into the air, where it fizzled out.

"Level 65 Pheonix blossom. Well done."

Dante smiled. "Yes, I had to learn many techniques, working my way up. I trust that you are training these children?"

Johnson turned to the kids, who were on the ground, sleeping at this point. He'd been running them for two days straight, evaluating everything about them.

"I'm doing my best. Children they may be, but their hearts are in it."

"Ah, I'm sure that you can polish them up. Even the oldest car can shine."

Johnson raised an eyebrow. "It's not that their skills need polishing... going back to the car analogy, they've got the engine and the chassis. That's it. You can do a little with that, but their skills are either incorrectly learned or missing entirely. They fail to work as a team, fail to use everything at their disposal, and can't seem to focus."

Dante tilted his head. "Perhaps... it is time for a return to tradition."

He looked over to see a feral smiled on Johnson's face. "Excellent. They'll be in shape in no time."

* * *

Twenty Four Hours Later

* * *

Keith ducked behind the tree, shivering. Whatever Johnson was in battle... it was scary. They were deep in a shielded forest, and with the similarities between Johnson's reiatsu and the forest's natural energy, he couldn't sense the shinigami. Add to that he was in Ban Kai, and the trees themselves were enemies.

_What was that he said? Learning to unleash the Tracker part of my abilities?_

He already knew that the air was dangerous- he'd been hit in the wing by a rather vicious pulse, knocking him to the ground. So, for the time being, he moved via his human form.

_Focus. Try to see the auras..._

He closed his eyes, and then opened them.

THe world was a new myriad of color. Looking around, he saw that several of the trees were a solid glowing green, suggesting that they were reiatsu constructs. He could see a small smear, probably Johnson himself. Carefully, he moved around the trees, slipping away from the Ban Kai, and made his way to the 'Safe' point.

As he arrived, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he found himself face-to-face with a smiling Johnson.

"Good job. First to arrive."

"But- I saw-"

"You activated your tracking abilities. Ironically, Zanpakto are a part of the shinigami's soul. I stuck Yggdrasil in the ground, and you thought it was me."

Keith nodded. "That explains it. I could identify your Ban Kai trees, though."

"Good. Now, since you're here, we're going to work on Thunderrun."

"What's that?"

"A lightning technique that accelerates you synapses, nerves, muscles, and hardens your bones. I have a version of it that's reiatsu based, but it needs work. Once you master this, you'll be faster than anyone, but you'll need to be careful. Overexertion is the leading cause of death in that state."

Keith nodded. "Let's get started!"

* * *

Four Days Later

* * *

Keith swung his foot again, barely nicking Johnson's cheek.

"Good! Keep attacking!"

Even in Ban Kai, Johnson had to focus to keep up with the boy. His strikes were fast and powerful, lightning surrounding him in a slight nimbus.

Something interesting happened, though. It seemed that Keith naturally focused the energy to whatever he was striking with for a moment, generating a slight shock wave when he hit.

He dropped down to one hand, and flipped. One foot came to rest on Johnson's sword, the other using the first as an anchor to pull up, hitting the shinigami in the chin.

**BOOM**

Johnson flipped back, landing on the ground panting.

"Good! Use your opponent's weaknesses!"

Keith smiled before shooting towards the captain, sliding on the ground and grabbing one shin, before flipping and delivering a kick to the back of the head.

Johnson simply lay on the ground, waiting for the lights to fade.

"...Are you alright?"

"...Out... standing... I'm... going... to... sleep..."

Sure enough, the sound of snoring soon surrounded them, and his sword reverted to sealed state.

An hour later, Johnson woke up, grabbed a few painkillers and an ice pack, and walked out to see what the Shaman were doing.

Keith and Jack were sparring, with the others watching from the sides.

Walking over, he stood next to Samantha.

"How long's he held it?"

"So far, he held it since I started teaching him. He's got incredible potential."

Sure enough, Jack was launched into the air, smacking harshly against the wall.

"Is it safe?"

"He mastered it in minutes, perfected it in hours, and took it beyond in a day. He's a perfect natural at using it."

Samantha scoffed. "So, what's he done to take it beyond?"

"He concentrates the energy into his feet or hands, allowing for brutal strikes. Not too far away from my... I really need a name for it... ah! Brotinn Hönd. (Icelandic for "Broken Hand". Again, google.)

Samantha nodded. "Are there any risks with that?"

"I've briefed him. His full capabilities still haven't been unleashed. He's already at a master level, and if he had an opponent that could deal with the sheer power of some of the blows..."

"Ah! Captain. I see that you have discovered a prodigy."

They turned to see Dante walking up.

"Two visits in a week. What can I do for you?"

"I have a proposition. I have discovered a way to restore your Shamanic abilities."

Johnson blinked. "Really? Interesting."

Dante held out a small red pill. "If you wish to restore your powers, I ask that you join the Shaman once more."

Johnson stopped his hand. "What do you seek to do?"

"Nothing."

"That's a lie. You wouldn't ask me to rejoin. You've got the situation under control."

Dante smiled. "No, but your contributions to the Shaman would be extremely valued, in addition to restoring a Legend line."

"The Wolf line is now the Fenrir line?"

"Yes. You and Greatwolf saw to that."

Johnson stared at the red pill. "I'll have to consider it."

"Take your time."

He turned to leave, and then looked back.

"Oh. Also, I believe that the Gotei are searching for you. They have dispatched Captain... Soifon was it?"

Johnson flinched. "This won't end well..."

"I've made it clear that she is not to interfere with Shaman business. She won't."

"Keep a bat on her. She's a crafty one."

Nodding, Dante left the building.

"What's he got planned?"

Samantha shrugged. "I don't know. He holds the best interests of the Shaman at heart, though he's unstable."

Nodding, Johnson went back to his home.

* * *

Soifon stepped out of the gate, waiting to see what was going on.

She leapt as a massive hand smashed down where she was.

"Hold!"

The gorilla seemed to smile. "Hello, little shinigami."

"Sting, Suzemebache!"

"Now, that's not very nice, is it?"

She wheeled around to see a man with a lightning nimbus.

"And here we just wanted to say hello... can't be helped."

Before Soifon knew what was happening, he drove his fist into her stomach faster than she could follow.

Coughing up a slight amount of blood, she drove her dagger into his ribs, leaving a mark.

"Ouch, girly."

Pulling it back, she made to stab again, only for the man to flicker behind her, driving his fist into the back of her head.

Now she fell to her knees, as lightning surged through her system.

"Hey, monkey!"

The gorilla came over, and drove his fist into her head, and her world went black.

* * *

Dante walked up behind the two Shaman standing over the prone form of the shinigami.

"Sir! Target incapacitated."

"Excellent. Transport her to headquarters."

"Sir!"

A large eagle swooped down and picked up the petite woman.

"Anything further here, sir?"

"Nothing further. You have done your parts. Return home."

The Shaman nodded and left.

"Soon, soon the Shinigami shall feel the wrath of Nature..."

* * *

One Month Later

* * *

Johnson turned to look at the Five.

"You five finally get what it means to be Shaman. Congrats."

They all stiffened with pride.

"Now, remember. Operate as a team, and nothing can stop you."

They all nodded, and he smiled at each of them.

As is the case with Shaman, they had all changed under Johnson's training, Rachel and Keith the most.

Keith now had slight ridges of feathers around his ankles, wrists, and neck. His teeth had smeared together at the top, like they were starting to form a beak. His fingernails now resembled talons.

Rachel's eyes had changed to slit pupils, and she now constantly moved with a feline grace.

"I'm proud. Now, each of you are ready to fight Pinnacle-class hollows on even ground."

They all smiled, and Johnson turned to leave.

"CAPTAIN!"

He wheeled around to see Urahara and Hiyori drop into the arena.

"Captain! You're safe."

Johnson frowned. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Captain Soifon has been missing for nearly a month."

Urahara couldn't, at first, understand why Johnson's face went from shock, to revelation, to absolute fury.

"Damnit! I knew it. Alright, Urahara, we need to head back to Soul Society. Yamamoto's going to be ticked, but we have bigger problems."

"Like what?"

Samantha moved forward.

"Did you know that the Shaman intend war against the Gotei 13?"

She blinked. "No. I'm usually kept out of the loop. The ruling council usually leaves the other Spiritual Powers alone."

"That's why he wanted me back."

Urahara glanced back and forth. "Alright. I'm going to try to set up scanners to find Soifon. Hiyori, head back and brief the other Visored. Johnson, do what you can."

"Keith! Where's the main base?"

"Uhh... Washington, D.C."

"Crap... we need an entrance."

"Why do they need Soifon, anyway?"

Johnson glared at Keith. "Only Shinigami can open the Senkaimon, or soul gate. She's their ticket in."

"Oh."

"ALright... we need to get three things going. Terry, dig through the archives, find the Line armors. Everyone'll need them. Rachel, try to secure one of those pills. Keith, you qualify as a Legend line. Try to find and alert Soifon. Jack, get to work on strategies. Liz, go with Jack. Move!"

The scattered, and Johnson began to walk towards the shop.

"Captain-"

"In war, the treaty allows the defenders to use any and all means of bolstering their forces, including breaking the cycle. I had a device that could do this. I'm going to build it."

Urahara blinked, the turned to open several crates. "Let's see what we have..."

* * *

Terry grabbed another file.

"It has to be here..."

He opened it, seeing several marks over various areas of the U.S.

"Bingo..."

"Find them?"

Terry whirled around. "Yeah! Seven sets. Wolf, Wolverine, Bear, Hawk, Mole, Raven, and Lion."

"Good. Rachel won't need the armor, and I know where mine is... Tell the others. Samantha probably hid hers herself. Let's get ready to go."

"Right!"

Johnson took the map, looking over it. "Alright, Keith first. Mt. McKinley..."

* * *

Day One of preparations: Keith's Armor

* * *

"Sweet! You found it?"

"Terry did, but I'm going with you. We're going to go to Soul Society, and you'll need some serious power boosts."

"Like you?"

"Kind of. I could either go Visored, which could be a problem, or regain my Shamanic powers."

"What's a Visored?"

"Shinigami/Hollow hybrid."

"Oh."

"Here's the plan. I'm going with each of you to acquire your armor. Once we do, the next two days are training, with the third entering into the Seireitei. That... should avoid the cleaner... Now. Once we get back, get straight to training."

"Understood."

"Urahara's working on a device to find the missing captain, and Hiyori's putting together the device I created. Ready? We're going to use a trick I created, and it may be nauseating."

"Try me."

Grinning, Johnson activated his Ban Kai, and ran through, dragging Keith with him.

"Whoa WHOA WHOA!"

* * *

Keith lay on the ground, trying to keep his breakfast down in the snow.

"Come on."

"Just... give me a minute..."

Johnson sighed as his Ban Kai faded. "Really. I warned you."

"Shut up."

A few minutes later, Keith had finished dry heaving. "Okay. Let's go."

He started to change, only for Johnson to hold up a hand. "Wait. In order to earn the armor, you have to suffer. We're rock climbing."

Keith groaned, but followed Johnson towards the base of the mountain.

"Do we have to climb?"

"Yeah. After you go back, I'm returning to the Wolf's Den. Your ancestors placed powerful binds on the Eerie. To gain the Hawk Aeorie, you have to earn it."

"By climbing?"

"_Ascending. _Remember, no elemental or shifting abilities."

Johnson paused for a moment. "What are those called, anyway? It's been six centuries."

Keith smiled, glad to change his focus. "The shifting skills have become known as Breyta. The elemental skills are now called Frumefni."

"Yeah. Anyway, go. Climb."

"You're not coming with?"

"The Eerie is your heritage, not mine. Just like I wouldn't allow you into the Wolf's Den."

"I... understand."

"Good. Now get going, I have places to be."

As Johnson reactivated his Ban Kai, Keith turned to the sheer wall of rock.

"Well... better get started."

* * *

Johnson stood in front of the deep, dark cave that he knew held the Wolf's Claw armor.

He smiled walking inside, gently touching the walls he hadn't seen for nearly six centuries, over half a millennium.

"I missed this..."

He took a deep sniff. Same smell, same feel... like coming home.

He walked farther in, letting his feet guide him in the darkness.

Finally, he came to a pedestal, barely visible, only by the small ball of reiatsu in his palm.

Pushing it open one handed, he gazed down on the Wolf's Claw. A thin layer of dust coated it, but it was in perfect condition.

"So long ago..."

He smiled as he picked it up. It would be good to fight as a Shaman once more.

* * *

Dante smiled down at his prisoner.

"Only three more days, captain."

Soi Fon, tortured near mindless, and bearing new scars, merely looked up.

"Only Three more days, and the Gotei will come crashing down. Can you imagine? Victory, in my hand."

(Far away, the remnants of Aizen Sosuke sneezed. Grimmjow offered him a tissue, which was declined.)

Soi Fon stared at him through half-lidded eyes.

"I truly wanted to let my men have their fun with you, but we need you able to open the Senkaimon."

He sighed, before turning around and producing a small, red pill.

"Imagine. That... Hogyokou, created by that buffoon scientist, was only the first step. With that concept, I created these... specialized capsules to remove the boundry between Shaman and Shinigami. I, I am neither."

Soi Fon tried to pull away from her bonds, but she was too weak.

"I do hope that you will be cooperative. After all, the Shamans are... only human."

He chuckled to himself as he strode away, leaving Soi Fon trying to escape.

* * *

Keith reached up and grabbed another rock, the muscles in his arms screaming as he pulled himself up, up and across the final ledge, up onto the top of the cliff.

For several moments, he lay there, gasping for air, staring at the sky.

_Never... doing... that... again..._

When he could breathe properly, he sat up, looking around.

The area was a tribunal of some sort, with twelve seats arranged in a circle. At the center was a large pillar, with a carving of a hawk. On the wings were golden edges, with another edge around the tail.

He stood up and touched it, the gold turning silver, the edges changing into arm guards, the tail feathers changing into a belt.

Slipping it on, he ran towards the side of teh cliff and dove, changing into his Roc form, even as the armor changed with him.

Laughing, he flew towards the city, smiling, even if only the eyes showed it.

* * *

Day Two: Pills and preferences.

* * *

"Hey! Urahara!"

"Yeah?"

The blond stood up from his chair and made his way from the impromptu base, set up in the arena, towards the shop, where Johnson had called.

"What is it?"

"Gate protocol. Can I override?"

"You could, but I doubt that you have the reiatsu to do so."

"Huh... also, observed differences between shinigami and Shaman?"

"Shinigami produce energy, while Shaman focus the energy through themselves. Why?"

"No real reason. Had a few ideas."

"JOHNSON!"

Rachel sprinted in. "I found her. She's at the main base. And, I got this."

She held out a red pill. "Urahara. I don't know what's going to happen." said the scientist. "Make sure no one gets hurt."

And with that, he swallowed the pill.

Everyone watched him for a few moments, before he screamed and clutched his heart in pain.

"Johnson!"

Everyone crowded around as he fell over.

* * *

Inner World

* * *

Yggdrasil was sitting in a tree when the tremors began. Opening an eye, he watched as the ground writhed, well worn paths forming. The barest flickers of wolves were visable through the trees.

He smiled, then settled back in. Best not to get involved as his powers came back.

Then his eyes flashed open again. He could feel the Soul Sleep changing, the damage from Ken-nai chūnyū fading as the Shamanic energies repaired Johnson's body, restoring the wounded man.

"Huh. Well, the bastard was always crazy..."

Then another pool of energy showed its presence. As Yggdrasil watched, it seemed like vines grew, streaming between the trees, connecting everything.

"Well... that's new."

* * *

Urahara and Hiyori moved Johnson over to a table, where Urahara peeled open one of the captain's eyes, watching it dart around.

"He's entered REM. Really, nothing we can do now. At least he's not going berserk."

Hiyori rolled her eyes. "Yeah."

Johnson's breathing slowed, and they watched as he settled down, seemingly sleeping.

"Impressive. Pain, followed by a shift during REM."

Keith stood next to the table, where the armor on his arms had toned to a dark black.

"So... he's going to be a shaman again?"

"Possibly. We don't entirely know."

Everyone watched the man sleep, and then Liz sniffed the air.

"Yeah. His scent's changed. He's becoming a Shaman again."

"For sure?"

She reached over and pulled back his lips. His canines were lengthening, becoming sharper.

"Alright, alright, I concede."

Johnson blinekd, then sat up, one hand on his head.

"Ow..."

"Here."

Urahara handed him an ice pack, which he gratefully put on his head.

"How long was I out?"

"Roughly twenty minutes."

Johnson stared at his hands for a moment, before swinging his feet off the table.

"Captain, I don't think-"

Johnson turned and growled, and Samantha sighed. "Really? I always knew the Wolf attributes showed through, but really?"

Johnson blinked. "Sorry. It's been centuries since I felt the Wolf. Hang on."

He retreated into his inner world, and met a grinning Yggdrasil.

"Hey, boss. Everything is A-Okay. Ship shape."

"Good."

"Also, it fixed your Soul Sleep problem."

"Nice. Keep an eye on things."

He returned to the real world. "Now... to test run."

Samantha spoke up. "Thomas, you only just regained your powers. You should-"

He closed his eyes, and everyone shut up to watch his transformation.

His clothes faded into silver fur, growing as a seven-foot wolf took the place of Johnson, the fur itself slightly thicker.

Then, with a mighty howl, the wolf bounded into the open portion of the arena, bouncing around happily, enjoying having four legs.

Urahara gaped. "He's... acting like a child!"

Hiyori smirked. "Don't you mean pup?"

Urahara glared, and the wolf trotted over, sniffing.

"Hey! Don't sniff too close, pervert!" Warned Hiyori, raising a sandal.

"He won't. Just hold out a hand."

She did, and the wolf sniffed her several times.

"Right now, he's running stock and adjusting to his body. It's been centuries."

Then the wolf changed back into the captain, who walked over to the box sitting on a desk.

"What's that?"

Johnson grinned. "You'll see."

* * *

The two Shaman stood at the entrance.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"You ever wonder why we're here?"

Both men paused as they heard a car pull to a stop before them. Looking at it, they saw a man with black hair, steel eyes, and a sword hanging at his hip step out.

"Hello, gentlemen. Now, I know this is the Shaman base, so why don't you let me in before I kill someone?"

There was something in his smile... something promising that he wouldn't simply kill them.

"We have our orders."

"Tsk... such a shame."

On the second floor, a middle aged man nearly defecated himself as he watched blood spurt from the ground, coating his windows a fine shade of red.

"What the-"

* * *

The receptionist backed up as the man walked in, dressed in nothing but a back trenchcoat and matching pants, black boots.

Dozens of Shaman surrounded him, some in beast forms, others with various elemental spells ready.

"Freeze!"

The man looked left. Then right. Then smiled.

"Heh. Now I know how Kenpachi feels..."

He drew the broadsword from his back, smirking.

"Ban Kai."

For the rest of her life, the receptionist would swear that it wasn't a man that walked in, but a laughing demon, wielding a massive blade that cut men in half, blood pooling on the ground among the various... remnants.

He walked up to the desk, and she prayed for her life, prayed that she wouldn't die.

The man walked up, looked at her desk, then almost cheerfully grabbed a tootsie roll and popped it in his mouth before walking away.

She sighed, then passed out.

* * *

Johnson shook his head. "Alright, clear." he said, cleaver on one shoulder and the opposite hand on his earpiece.

Keith and Liz entered, nervously stepping around the bodies.

"Oh god..."

Johnson turned around. "Trust me. Before this day is over, you'll both have killed."

Liz nodded solemnly, and Keith swallowed.

"Now, where would they keep a prisoner?"

He cocked his head to the side, a sign to the Shaman he was talking with his zanpakto.

"Agreed."

He placed the cleaver on his back, where it folded in half, and drove a palm into the ground, shattering the floor. Keith grabbed Liz and jumped up, transforming into his Roc form, hovering above the hole.

Then they saw a Shinigami in full-on kill mode. Johnson fell, striking one Shaman in the head with his palm, letting a headless corpse hit the ground. His blade flashed, and three men were suddenly trying to hold themselves together, quite literally.

All the while, the Death God laughed.

A pale Keith turned to Liz.

"This is what a Shinigami is?"

She nodded, wanting to tear her eyes away from the carnage, but incapable of doing so.

"If this all goes south... there won't be a single Shaman left.

(Somewhere, Ishida sneezed.)

* * *

Johnson withdrew the massive cleaver, giving it a causal flick to rid himself of the blood that had accumulated along the deadly weapon.

As he prepared to reseal the sword, he noticed that the pommel now had an emerald, held by a wolf's head.

_'Nice, Yggdrasil.'_

_'I thought so.'_

The sword reverted to the usual katana, and Johnson slipped it into his sheath before rolling his shoulders.

_'Shifting.'_

_'Go for it.'_

The sword faded away into reishi particles, before spiraling into Johnson's heart, taking their place.

Fur grew, then soldified into tiny metal spikes.

Teeth grew longer, sharp fangs.

And Johnson fell forward onto his arms, no, legs, as he once again became a Fenrir, a giant wolf.

As the transformation finished, he looked around. '_Still in there?'_

_'You owe me.'_

_'Why?'_

_'Pull me out, jerk.'_

He did, and tried not to laugh at the small, green wolf glaring at him.

"Yeah, laugh it up, see if I care."

"Quiet, _pup.__"_

Yggdrasil gave him a glare that would have made Unohana's smile falter, before returning to Johnson's inner world.

_'Yeah, yeah. Just get a move on.'_

The Shaman/Shinigami hybrid laughed to himself as he padded down the corridors, sniffing for both reiatsu and Soifon's scent.

"Uhh...Silverwolf?"

He turned to look at Keith.

"...I think... she's... three or four corridors down, to the left."

"Thanks."

He padded off, and the two followed behind, curious to who, exactly, they were rescuing.

* * *

Soifon raised her head as the sound of pads hitting the ground reached her ears.

Looking up, she saw a massive silver wolf, staring at her through the bars of the cage.

She gave a weak glare, then her eyes widened slightly as the wolf took the bars in its mouth and ripped them off the cage.

Even in her weakened, injured, exhausted state, she knew that anyone there to hurt her would have used a key.

The wolf padded over, bit through the restraints, and casually picked her up in its mouth,before padding away, her sight fading.

* * *

Keith and Liz watched the wolf pad out to the street, the night dark.

Johnson had to admit, the addition of flying cars in the human world made the ground incredibly efficient for spiritual beings to fight alone.

He placed the woman on the ground and turned to the two. "Run destruction, erase any evidence."

They nodded, and he picked up the woman, before beginning to run, claws digging into the concrete, reaching speeds that no human could match, and would make Yourichi envious.

* * *

Urahara and Hiyori gaped as the massive wolf dropped down from the skylight, landing before them with a severly injured shinigami in its mouth.

Taking the petite captain, Urahara immidiately added an IV, while Hiyori began to bandage the wounds.

"Allow me."

They moved, letting Samantha run glowing hands over the captain. Many of the wounds sealed up, allowing Urahara to focus all his energies on spiritual and mental healing.

Hiyori walked over to the canine, who was casually lying on the ground, trying to get some shut-eye.

"HEY! BAKA!"

**WHAM**

"OW!"

She glared at the massive wolf, who was protecting his snout with a massive paw.

"That was not needed."

"That's what you get for leaving me out!"

The wolf snorted, before tapping a paw on the ground. A pit opened beneath Hiyori, and she was dropped into a small chamber.

"We're even."

It went back to sleep, and only Urahara's glare made her hold back from beating the silver beast into a pulp.

* * *

Yamamoto banged his cane on the ground.

"Captains, we have a severe problem. Captain Urahara, in the land of the living, has warned of a coming offensive by the Shaman of North America."

The captains nodded. For a meeting of this severity, with the Lieutenants being individually briefed by Isshin, meant that the Captain Commander had severe secrets.

"These individuals are powerful, easily Captain level. They have presumably captured one of our own, and currently, her fate is unknown."

Everyone stood a little straighter, understanding how severe the situation was becoming.

"What's the deal? A fight's a fight." grumbled Kenpachi. "I don't see the problem."

Unohana turned her smile on him. "A Shaman equivalent of Captain could quite literally smear the walls with you, even without your eyepatch."

Kenpachi's eyes widened. He may love fighting, but he wasn't suicidal.

Yamamoto nodded. "However, we received several reports from Urahara. Their powers are Quincy-like in that they draw energy from their surroundings. The more they are attacked, the stronger they become. Captains Abarai and Hirako, you are to work together to isolate and destroy the more powerful individuals. Unohana, be on standby for wounded. Captain Kenpachi, you are expressly forbidden from fighting."

Kenpachi snarled. "No. I'm not passing up a fight."

Unohana turned her smile on him again. "I'd hate to see you in the 4th, captain."

"Yes Ma'am."

Ukitake spoke up. "There is something you aren't telling us."

Yamamoto nodded. The three elder captains in the room all noticed that he suddenly looked nervous.

"How many are familliar with the incident six hundred years ago, when red and green waves of reiatsu washed over the Seireitei?"

The elder captains, Kenpachi, and Komamura raised their hands.

"That incident... involved Captain Johnson."

Everyone looked at him. "How? He recently arrived in Soul Society. He trained in the human world!"

Yamamoto shook his head. "No. At that time, there was a law against learning Ban Kai without permission from Central 46. Thomas Johnson, then 4th seat of Division 4, was... effectively forced into learning it. When that happened, he was exiled, for four hundred years."

Ukitake picked up on it. "Then he was granted permission to come back, and killed Kurotsuchi."

Yamamoto nodded. "At my request, he returned. However, he spoke nothing of his time before Captaincy. Originally, he was a Shaman. Upon his death, which was a combination of Shinigami and Shaman techniques, he transformed directly into a Shinigami. After a time, he came to Soul Society, and you know the story."

Shunsui rubbed his chin. "Why'd he come back? He had to have some anger towards the Gotei 13, if you fought him over Ban Kai."

Yamamoto nodded. "I... apologized to him, and he made it clear that-"

THUMP

They all looked to see Shunsui with his face in the ground.

Yamamoto glared, but Unohana held up a hand.

"We've never heard of you apologizing, it's a bit of a shock."

After a few minutes, Shunsui revived, and Yamamoto continued.

"In any event, he made it clear that his loyalties were cautionary: he would leave if he saw fit. At this point, he is easily among the most powerful of the Gotei. However, we-"

"He's dead, anyway."

Everyone looked at Hitsugaya, calmly standing with crossed arms.

"Not true. For reasons that only he will explain, he faked his death. At this point, we do not know if he is with the Shaman or Gotei. Assume hostilities if he is encountered. Dismissed!"

Everyone filed out, except for Unohana, Shunsui, and Ukitake.

"Sensei, why did he fake his death?"

Yamamoto rubbed his head. "When I exiled him, he was... broken. At the time, he was in love, and I tore that away."

"No soul lives that long! She's dead now."

Unohana shook her head. "No. He... was in love with my Lieutenant, Isane Kotetsu, when he was exiled."

Shunsui whistled, and Ukitake flinched. "I can see your concern. This was all a ruse to get him to open up."

Yamamoto nodded.

"I hate to say it..." started Shunsui. "But... you really screwed up, old man."

Yamamoto winced. "I know."

Ukitake stared at the old Captain Commander. "Then what can we expect?"

"If he is against us, they have easy acess to Soul Society. Also, he can be expected to be a severe threat to everyone. If he is sighted, either I or Kurosaki will face him."

"Kurosaki? You're placing that responsibility on him?"

"Jushiro, he is the only one nearly as powerful as me. When we last fought, I only won through experience. He can use his reiatsu directly as a weapon, is always thinking while fighting, and nearly killed me. Sheer power is trivial to him, when riled. Also, when we fought, he used Ken-nai chūnyū. "

Ukitake's eyes widened. "He's a monster!"

Yamamoto nodded. "If he fights against us... Soul Society may not survive. In the event that I fail, I want all three of you to face him together, should Kurosaki be occupied or incapacitated. If you can divert the fight away from Soul Society, do so."

"Urahara has a Garganta generator. Would using Hueco Mundo as a battle ground be acceptable?"

Yamamoto nodded. "As long as Soul Society and the Living World survive, then yes."

As they left, Yamamoto stared down at his cane. "Ryūjin Jakka. If he does attack..."

The sword stirred in Yamamoto's inner world. _"Then we shall fight with all our strength. But, as I said before, this is a monster that you created."_

"If we killed Isane, would he stop?"

_"You once asked the same about Ichigo Kurosaki. No, doing so would only remove the last vestiges of binds from him. When he fought before, he intended to survive, Yamamoto. If you remove that, he shall no longer care if he dies, so long as vengeance is served. And, as loathe as I am to admit it, that would antagonize Kurosaki as well."_

"Soul Society would never survive those two working for its destruction!"

_"This is what you now know, Yamamoto. That if you want this world to survive, with both Kurosaki and Johnson fighting, would require the intervention of the Spirit King."_

Yamamoto could only sigh and nod.

_"Take heart. As long as he has a reason to fight, he will be your ally, if only because the alternative is worse."_

The aged shinigami sighed, before standing up, heading for a nap.

_With any luck, the alternative is far worse._

* * *

Day Three: "We're screwed. Period."

* * *

Johnson sat next to the petite captain, using his shamanic abilities to try to remove some of the scars, since she would be working through the memories of her experience.

Keith moved and sat next to him. "This is a shinigami captain?"

Johnson nodded. "The 'Ice Queen of the Seireitei' as she's called. Trust me, for anyone to get the drop on her... this was planned out."

Keith nodded, producing a katana. "I found this, when we destroyed the building. It was practically dripping with energy, so I picked it up."

Johnson took it an laid it next to Soifon, the hilt in her hand.

"Thanks. This'll help when she wakes up."

Keith stared down at the woman lying on the bench. Her reiatsu implied long-healed scars from betrayal, fear, and a tendency to push people away.

She groaned, and Johnson put his hands on her shoulders.

"Soifon. You were tortured, and I found you, along with allies. Now, remain calm and stay lying down. I need to run some tests."

She did, and then blinked at him. "You... you should be dead!"

He shrugged. "The rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated."

Keith facepalmed. "Really? Twain?"

"...I thought it was good..."

He suddenly stopped at the blade pressed to his throat.

"Long story, bigger problems, kill me later?"

Soifon's eyes narrowed, but she withdrew her sword.

"Okay... in short, my death faked to get out of the cooking class, found the Shaman, uncovered war, regained my Shaman powers, freed you, asked not to be killed."

Soifon glared. "What are they doing?"

"Records suggest that they discovered reishi converters and artificial Senkaimon."

She flinched. "Then we need to move."

He nodded. "You're not in any state to move."

He dropped to all fours, and Soifon stared at the massive wolf.

"I can open a gate. URAHARA! Are the devices ready?"

Urahara came out of the shop. "Converters online, LAZARUS ready to go."

"LAZARUS?"

The wolf grinned. "You'll see. Climb on."

Keith threw a saddle on the wolf, with several bags that Urahara attached. After Soifon was situated, the canine turned towards the door.

"Urahara, you and Hiyori follow later. Keith, with me."

The boy transformed into a seven-foot tall hawk, with metal feathers covering heavily muscled wings. Gold edges ran along the edges of the wings, with a massive plume of gold on the tail.

Soifon was still staring at the two.

"We're Shaman. Now get on."

The hawk picked her up, flapped onto the table, and placed the petite captain on the wolf's back.

After she got settled, Johnson turned, and padded to the door.

"Soifon, there are several devices in one of the pouches. Pull them out."

She did, and Johnson told her to stick one on his fur and on Keith's back.

"What are they?"

"Dual purpose. Reshi converters and Shaman filters. They'll allow us to enter the Senkaimon."

SHe nodded, and looked at him. "How do you expect to get the doors open without a zanpakto?"

The wolf turned a yellow eye on her. "Watch."

It dug his claws into the ground before running, leaving Soifon clinging as tightly as she could. Light flickered around the wolf, and she felt the hawk settle in behind her, wrapping his wings around her.

"Hang on!"

There was a tearing sound, and through the gaps in the feathers, she saw a hole tear directly to the Dangai, and then they were through, the slime oozing off the walls.

Another second, and they were flying, heading for the west gate.

"What're you-"

The hawk broke away, maintaining altitude, while the wolf twisted, the saddle falling away.

"Shaman forces are here, hang on!"

She felt arms wrap around her, and noticed that Johnson was pulling the reishi around him into a shield, bracing for impact.

BOOM

She felt herself shake as Johnson used his body as a shock absorber, punching through a building or two, finally coming to a stop.

"You alright?"

She groaned, not at all enjoying the sensation of being used as a human cannonball.

He gently loosened his grip, and she slid out, letting him stand up and rub his shoulder, catching the saddle as it fell down next to him.

"Alright, let's see..."

One bag was empty, having held the devices. Another had what looked to be a rocket launcher with three prongs at the head, and the fourth held a similar device, with the final bag holding armor of some sort.

"Good, ZERO and LAZARUS came through... oh, this is going to be fun."

She stared at him as he picked up what he refered to as 'LAZARUS' and carried it outside.

"Two shots. Hope we get lucky."

Soifon raised an eyebrow. "And what is that going to do?"

He grinned. "I'm not going to tell you, sufice to say it's going to piss the old man off something vicious."

"HOLD!"

Two men stood on the roof of the building aross from them.

"Lock, set, and load... bye!"

The gun began to vibrate, and charged up, a blue orb forming in the center of the prongs.

"And so, Lazarus walked from the tomb!"

The gun fired, dividing into two blue beams, with Johnson cackling.

They hit the men in the chest, blue light spreading across them.

"Really? Breaking the cycle is that easy?"

The energy pulled away, and Johnson tossed the weapon to the side, as it was spent.

Soifon stared at the men, both now covered in energy.

"Johnson, what did you do?"

"Exchanged positions with souls. Those two are now..."

The energy pulled away, and Soifon gasped.

"...Byakuya Kuchiki and Gin Ichimaru."

The two former captains looked around, before seeing Soifon and Johnson.

"Captain Soifon." started Byakuya. "Who is this?"

Johnson raised a hand. "Captain Thomas Johnson, Division 12, we've got bigger problems."

Gin's smile was back. "An' what're those?"

"..."

"Well?"

"Soifon, you explain. I've just picked up the head honcho's scent."

He grabbed the bags and started to run, shifting into a wolf as he did so.

Gin and Byakuya turned to stare at Soifon. "What is going on?"

She sighed. This was going to be a long story...

* * *

Johnson's paws hit dirt as he rushed towards the gate, where he noticed a member of Division Two.

"You! With the mask!"

THe shinigami turned to him, and stared at the wolf.

Rolling his eyes, Johnson shifted back.

"C-captain Johnson!"

"Yeah. Alright, what's the situation?"

"They invaded six minutes ago. Far as we can tell, the boss is heading for Yamamoto. Kurosaki is here, and we have limited assistance from the Quincy and the new Fullbring Society. Divisions Four and Eleven are holding out. They seem to want to take prisoners, I heard something about a power transfer before I was chased."

Johnson nodded. "Can you open the gate?"

"No."

He nodded. "Of course. Now, I used a device to bring back captains Kuchiki and Ichimaru. Assist them, and guard Captain Soifon, her body isn't ready for combat yet."

After receiving an affirmative, Johnson changed his fingernails into claws, tossed his sword and bags on his back, and started the climb.

"Hey!"

Johnson turned his head, waching the hawk next to him.

"I'll carry you!"

"Alright. Force as much energy as you can towards your skin, and move across the wall fast. There's a barrier that'll kill you, otherwise."

"Right!"

Reaching out, Johnson grabbed one of the hawk's talons, before moving his other hand away from the wall and grabbing the other talon.

"Alright, let's go!"

The hawk rose, and they reached the edge of the field, Johnson checjing to make sure his solution worked.

"Clear."

They pushed through, managing to get inside, where they landed, Keith changing to his human form.

"Use thunder run to get around, assist shinigami where you can. If you see someone hollow-like, and they attack, say you're with me and Hiyori. That'll cover you. Sewers are efficient for avoiding sky and ground patrols, but you need a 4th medic to get in."

He nodded, lightning crackling around him, and bolted deeper into the Seireitei.

"Now... to my lab..."

* * *

Yourichi panted as the men at the head of the alley leered at her.

"Come on, we're not that powerful."

She tried to remain upright. She'd never been pushed this hard, fighting opponents faster than her.

"We just want to- UMH"

She blinked as a blond boy with goggles over his eyes flashed behind the men. Lightning was crackling around his hands and feet, and in a flash, he grabbed one of the men byt the neck, using him as a fulcrum to flip and drive his feet into two others, before snapping the neck of the first.

She collapsed as he ran to her, grabbing her and putting her over his shoulders in a fireman's carry.

"Where're the medics?"

She pointed, and the boy drove both feet into the wall, flipping up and carrying her towards the fourth division.

A distance away, a green Cero fired, and she noticed its color was... off.

* * *

The Shaman all cowered as Johnson readied ZERO for another blast.

"Come on! I never get any peace!"

BOOM

"I mean, I try to deal with some crap, and you guys show up!"

BOOM

He finally stopped firing the artificial Cero, and stared at the remains.

"You guys are idiots..."

Walking forward, he entered Division 12 and went directly to his labs.

"Alright, one mean Uburrito coming up..."

Akon walked down, and saw his supposedly dead captain mixing what appeared to be beans, while singing "Halloween" by Marilyn Manson. After taking a sip of his coffee, he decided to ignore it. Stranger things had happened.

* * *

Yamamoto and Ichigo stared at the man across from them.

"Such a shame you won't surrender. I wish, I wish that you would."

Yamamoto glared. "Never! I shall-"

THUMP

They all froze. "What was that?"

THUMP

Dante walked to the door and opened it, and they smelled... BURRITOS?

Not just regular burritos...

Johnson smiled down from atop his Giant Uburrito. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, someone's in for a rough time."

He had abandoned the haori that all captains wore, instead wearing what looked like a black trenchcoat. Hi hands had black gloves, and Yamamoto could see lines of reishi running through it, providing a better defense than most armor.

Dante snarled at him. "Couldn;t but out of it, could you?"

Johnson merely pointed his sword at him.

"Fine, fine..."

"Reduce all creation to ash, ryujin jakka."

Dante smiled. "You seek to slay a god of fire with your blade?"

He reached inside his cloak and produced a similar blade.

"Ignite the souls of the world, Nidhogg."

His blade was cloaked in black flames. "You see? I am as powerful a shinigami as you, Yamamoto."

Ichigo snarled.

"Hey!"

They all turned to Johnson, who had an angry glare on his face. "Shatter the earth, Yggdrasil."

As the four all stared at each other, Dante smiled. "It's only two on one."

He snapped, and Isane was dragged out, bound.

"I know your weakness, Johnson. Kill them, and she will be safe."

Everyone stared at the captain, who now had reiatsu flickering around him. It coalesced as bark on his arms and legs, and everyone could feel the anger seeping off of him.

"Oh, you never told her, did you? That you were the one she loved, that abandoned her?"

Johnson snarled as he stared at Dante. "Shut up."

"You left her to die."

"No!"

"You were afraid that telling her would break her heart, open all the old wounds."

"I said SHUT UP!"

There was a burst of pure reshi, and the earth for nearly all of Seireitie cracked, shattering into powder.

Isane was staring at Johnson with a mixture of hurt and wonder.

"No... you are afraid of rejection. Give up."

The reiatsu finally coalesced into full bark, across Johnson's entire body. His eyes were closed, and Dante had a dark smile.

"No..."

Dante raised on eyebrow.

"That's not what I was afraid of..."

The energy seeped back into Johnson, fading away.

"If I had to leave... Or was killed... it would break her again."

He opened his eyes, one green, the other yellow.

"And I won't let that happen. Ban Kai."

His blade exploded into the massive cleaver, while Dante smiled.

"But we're not done yet."

The cleaver broke, and was sucked into Johnson's chest as he transformed into a wolf. Dropping down, the Uburrito lumbered off, leaving the four staring at each other.

"Wolf Pack."

Spectral wolves formed as he howled, charging forward. Two of them picked up the 4th's lieutenant, while the rest circled Dante.

"Pitiful."

Swinging his blade, he launched black flames towards Yamamoto, who was lauched back into a wall. Ichigo ran forward, barely blocked by Nidhogg.

"Come now, is that the best you can-"

A massive cleaver swung past him, and she wheeled around to strike at Johnson, who's blade was up and ready.

"You won't hurt anyone, anymore."

He was kicked back, leaving Ichigo facing the Shaman leader.

"Pheonix flare."

There was another burst of fire, and Johnson hid behind his blade to weather it.

"Ichigo! Keep him busy!"

He sank to one knee and began writing runes on the ground in a circle.

"Heads up!"

Dante was flying towards him, and he concentrated all of his spirit energy to deliver a strike to the stomach, shattering his hand.

"GRAH!"

_'I'll deaden the pain! Keep going!'_

As he kept writing, Yggdrasil tried to negate some of the pain of the shattered bones, while Ichigo and Dante kept fighting, Ichigo now hollofied.

_Almost..._

As he finished the circle of runes, he struck the center with his palm, pulling up a line of reishi, a deep red lance.

Raising it to chest height, he spun it, leaving a circle in the air, and pulled it back, the ends leaving lines of reishi.

He formed a cylinder, and pulled the rod back. "Ichigo! Clear!"

Ichigo jumoed back, leaving Johnson to strike the cylinder, a drum resonating across the Seireitei and across the Rukongai.

Dante laughed. "Is that it? Is that all you can do?"

Red lightning struck him, and he dropped to one knee.

"History lesson: The Fenrir are derived from the Wolf, who are derived from Garm."

A hole in the sky opened up, and countless chains began to dive down, tying up Dante.

"Garm, the watchdog of hell."

Dante was torn to pieces by the chains, his head screaming as he was pulled into the portal, which soon closed up.

Johnson turned to Ichigo. "Well... that worked."

Then his knees buckled, and the world went black.

* * *

Keith staggered around, trying to hold the darkness back as the wound on his leg dripped more blood.

Looking over, he saw the massive rip in the sky close up. "Heh... Garm's line..."

He staggered into an alleyway, trying to keep from crying out as he sat down, holding his leg.

"Hey!"

He looked over. A man with straight blond hair, and slight Hollow reiatsu was looking at him. Next to him was a balck-haired boy Keith thought was about to cry.

"I'm... with Hiyori... and Johnson..."

The man nodded, and the boy ran over, touching his sword to the cut.

As it healed, Keith let out a sigh. "Thanks. I'm Keith."

The boy nodded. "Hanataro Yamada, fourth Seat of Division Four. And that's Shinji Hirako, Captain of Division Three."

"Oh, so that's who took over for me."

They looked over to see Ichimaru, several bodies stuck on his sword.

"Thas' fine. I see no prolem."

Shinji gripped his sword tighter. "You should be dead!"

"I'm not, Aizen bit the dust."

Shinji whipped a hand across his face, and his mask formed. **"Enough. You're not running free."**

"I believe he is."

Shinji turned and saw Byakuya standing behind him.

Keith smiled. "Yeah, it's National Zombie Day. Don't worry too much."

Shinji was still staring at the figure. "But-"

"In its simplest form, Captain Johnson broke the cycle."

Shinji nodded.

"Now, if you will excuse me, I need to see my sister."

He flickered away in shunpo, and Shinji removed his mask.

"That was... weird."

Keith nodded. "Yeah... Johnson acted like a pup when he got his powers back."

Shinji and Hanataro both blinked at him. "He's a Shaman?"

"And a Shinigami."

There was an awkward silence for a few moments.

"Damn." started Shinji. "I thought halfing it was the Visored's thing."

Keith laughed.

* * *

Ukitake held one hand to his chest, the dust and debris agitating his lungs, incapacitating him.

"Captain! Hang on!"

He smiled at her. "Rukia... just... a minute..."

They both froze in shock as familliar reiatsu flooded the area.

"Ban Kai. Senbonzakura, Kageoshi."

A literal wave of cherry blossom petals whipped through, slicing the attackers to shreds, the pink fading to red.

"Nii-sama!"

Byakuya appeared in a flash in front of Rukia. "Sister. I am glad to see you are well."

She was staring at him, trying to understand why he wasn't dead.

"Captain Johnson created a device that can break the cycle."

She blinked, before passing out.

Ukitake caught her, and smiled at Byakuya. "He told me about it, wanted to give me one as a safeguard incase he wasn't here."

"I see."

"Anyone else?"

"Gin Ichimaru."

* * *

Kensei merely shook his head as the supossedly dead captain used his Ban Kai to rapidly disassemble the giant Mexican dish.

"Well, tha's that."

The silver haired shinigami whistled as he walked away, cheerful.

"Maybe ah should find Ran..."

Kensei sweatdropped as Gin walked away.

* * *

One Week Later

* * *

"Are you sure he's waking up?"

"Absolutely. Put up the barrier."

Johnson groaned as the light around him suddenly grew more intense.

"Unh... five more minutes..."

"Wake up."

_Who is that?_

"Wake. Up."

_Sounds angry..._

"WAKE UP."

He moved deeper into the suspicious pillow. Suspicious, as it smelled like antiseptic.

"Allow me. Captain Johnson, wake up."

Naturally, he bolted to a siting position, hit his head on the barrier, and promptly passed out again

Renji looked dryly at Unohana. "Well done."

She turned to him, and gave **The Smile. **"Captain Abarai, isn't it time for your annual check up?"

"No Ma'am. I'm sorry Ma'am."

She smiled. "Good. Now..."

She reached out, and a slight bolt of lightning went through the barrier and struck Johnson.

"Huh? Wha?"

Yamamoto glared at him. "Captain Johnson. What was the technique you used to seal the Shaman in hell?"

Johnson blinked. "I have a headache. Please call back later."

Renji rolled his eyes.

"Captain Johnson, how did you do that?"

"Basically a reiatsu flare along special frequencies. Nothing to worry about."

Yamamoto stared at him. "Opening and calling Hell on an individual is not 'nothing to worry about.'"

"Uhh..." started a voice from the doorway. "I can explain."

All eyes turned towards Keith.

"Put simply, it's the same as your Oken knowledge, Captain Commander. It's clan knowledge-"

"Clan?"

Everyone turned towards Renji. "I thought you were arranged in lines."

"Not quite. There are Lines, like Wolf and Fenrir, that make up clans, like Canis."

"Ah."

"Anyway, the technique is still a Canis clan secret. We don't use it unless there is no other alternative."

Yamamoto nodded. "But how can we trust you?"

"That was the first time in three millennia that technique was used."

Yamamoto nodded. "I ask that you keep it that way."

"No problem. It's never passed down to people determined to be able to actually hate it."

"So you didn't want to use it?"

"No." stated Johnson, his eyes glinting yellow. "Cursing someone to Hell is a dark act."

Yamamoto nodded and dispelled the barrier. As soon as he did, Isane stepped forward.

"Isane, I-"

SLAP

He brought up a hand to the side of his face, then stared at her as she teared up, running from the room.

Looking around her sighed. "I earned that."

Hiyori whacked him with a sandal.

"That too."

Unohana raised a hand. "_Seeping crest of turbidity. Arrogant vessel of lunacy! Boil forth and deny! Grow numb and flicker! Disrupt sleep! Crawling queen of iron! Eternally self-destructing doll of mud! Unite! Repulse! Fill with soil and know your own powerlessness!"_

"Alright, that's overkill."

Yamamoto stepped forward, preventing Unohana from casting the spell.

"Yeah... thanks, old man."

"I have yet to kill you myself."

Johnson blinked. "Really?"

Then Yamamoto laughed. LAUGHED!

"Of course not. It was our idea to toss you into the living world in the hopes that you and Isane would get back together."

Johnson blinked, before extending one finger, on one hand. Yes, that finger.

"Shut up, old man."

Yamamoto, still holding back chuckles, stepped back.

"In any event, you are clear to leave."

He nodded, swinging his feet off the bed. "Thanks. I'm going home. If you need me, I'll be passed out on the floor. Kisuke, Hiyori, take care of 12."

They nodded, and a large wolf padded away from the hospital.

* * *

"Uhh... Captain Johnson?"

Hanataro knocked on the door, wondering when the captain would come.

"Leave me alone!"

Hanataro tried to open the door, then realized that Johnson had barricaded himself inside.

"Captain-"

"Hanataro, leave now or get hurt."

Hurt, the fourth Division medic turned away, leaving the house.

_Is that what it means to be him? Pain, loneliness, rejection?_

Walking away, he saw Isane staring at the house.

"Lieutenant!"

She glared at him. "What?"

"Are you alright?"

She glared some more. "No. Leave me alone."

Hanataro took a deep breath. "Go talk to him."

"Go away, Hanataro."

"No! Not until you talk to him!"

She drew her sword. "Yamada, go, now."

"I won't!"

She swung, and a broadsword blocked her path.

"Isane, you may hate me. I don't care. But don't try to hurt those who still care."

She stared at Johnson, who had dark circles under bloodshot eyes.

"What do you care? You wouldn't speak to me!"

"I did what I thought was best."

She held back tears. "Best? BEST!? I lost you, and you didn't even say hello!"

"I didn't want to open old wounds."

She swung, barely glancing off his sword. "I hate you!"

"Fine. Leave Hanataro alone."

"I HATE YOU!"

She swung again, Johnson moving Yggdrasil to block.

She kept it up, hammering away, until her sword dropped from bleeding fingers, leaving her sobbing on the ground.

"Why did you cut yourself off..."

He sighed, turning to walk away.

"I didn't want to lose you..."

He kept walking, heading back to his house.

"I don't want to lose you again."

He froze, and stood listening to the gentle sobs.

"Please... come back..."

She buried her head in her hands, crying on the street, ignoring everyone around her.

She stood up, ready to run, when she felt arms wrap around her. "Let me go!"

"No."

She tried to pull away, tears still filling her vision.

"I said LET ME GO!"

He held firm, and she eventually stood, sobbing into his haori.

"I don't want to lose you again..."

She felt his arms start to rub her back.

"I'm here. I'm not leaving."

SHe sobbed, and Hanataro decided to let Captain Unohana know what happened.

Ignoring the blood and tears on his haori, Johnson gently ran hands up and down her back, letting her

express her emotions.

"I can never excuse what happened. I was a coward, and I'm sorry. If you want, we'll try again, see if it

works out, alright?"

She nodded, the tears slowing down.

"Now, I heard that there's a party tonight, since everything's been cleaned up. Why don't you go home,

get cleaned up, and we'll go together, alright?"

She sniffed, pulling away, but still in his arms.

"When you were exiled, every year, I would go to the senkaimon, hoping that you would come back..."

Johnson sighed, keeping his emotions under control.

"Then, when you came back, saying you were someone else... in a way, it was both true and a lie... the

Thomas who left is gone."

He nodded, pulling her in close again.

"He's gone. I'm here."

Sighing, she settled into the haori, enjoying being held again.

"Hey."

She looked up, and he gave her a gentle kiss.

"What was that for?"

He smiled. "I thought a welcome back kiss was in order."

She gave him a joking punch in the gut, and he laughed. A few moments later, she joined in.

* * *

Johnson stared at all that encompassed his home. It was really just a glorified apartment. While the home itself had numerous rooms, only three were used. A rare;y-used bedroom, the kitchen, and the bathroom.

That's not to say he didn't have the rest of the house set up- there was a guest room with dedicated bathroom, a standby lab, and a room he converted entirely into an armory.

Right now, though, he was staring at the kitchen.

"Okay... I don't know what's worse. That I drank so much, or I don't remember doing so."

And a fine regret it was indeed. The counters, sink, and an entire corner of the floor were coated in cans, bottles, and glasses.

"What is this- oh. This must have been a good bottle. Damn."

He began to sweep up the mess, muttering under his breath.

"Great. Just what I need. Another mess."

"Thomas..."

He turned around, seeing Isane standing in the doorway to his kitchen.

"Okay... yeah, this is what it looks like."

She blinked several times. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Umm... yes. Why?"

"You just drank enough to kill Kenpachi, Ukitake, and KYoraku- is that a _test tube?"_

Reaching down, Johnson pulled up a flask, reading the label. "Wow. Ethenol."

"I think you should be checked out at the fourth."

Johnson shrugged. "Right now, my Shamanic powers are healing me. I'm immune to most toxins, including alcohol."

She rolled her eyes. "Still, it would make me feel better."

Johnson gave a smile. "Relax."

"Please?"

He smiled. "No. I'm fine."

"Then..." suddenly her face changed, turning into the most horrible sight that Johnson had ever seen, a sight that drove Yamamoto to his knees.

**The Smile.**

"...As your medic, I ORDER you to report to the Fourth Division for blood alcohol measurement."

Johnson swallowed nervously. "Yes Ma'am."

**The Smile **faded. "Good."

* * *

"Captain Johnson, the fact that you are completely sober and not dead is baffling."

Johnson rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Hehe... yeah..."

Currently, said captain's blood alcohol content was, as Unohana put it, high enough to kill a whale. Twice.

"Shaman are immune to toxin. We can get drunk, but we can shake it off."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Honey badger."

"What?"

"Like. A. Honey badger. They can filter venom out of themselves. So can Shaman."

The Fourth's captain nodded. "Fine. But you are not to try to drink anyone under the table with this ability. **Am I clear?"**

"Perfectly."

Isane gained **The Smile.**

"Thats... evil." Come on, a lesser man would snap under two of Unohana's smiles.

**"Jump."**

**"Don't jump."**

Staring at them both, Johnson did the reasonable thing. When an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, there is a way for the universe to continue. That is, redirection. In this case, Johnson 'redirected' himself out the window.

"And I just had that fixed..."

* * *

Hanataro stared down at thegrate. He didn't want to head back into the sewers, but he had no choice.

Then...

He let out a yelp as he felt himself picked up.

"Sorry! Isane and Unohana are angry! Need meatshield!"

The fourth seat merely blacnhed as he looked behind him, Unohana and Isane charging kido.

"C-Captain!"

"No time to complain, my friend! TO THE TWELFTH!"

Hanataro could only sigh as Johnson sprinted, the Fourth Medic over his back like a protective shield.

* * *

The night went well. Renji and Ikkaku had a drinking contest, Kyoraku was picking up women, Soifon was following Yourichi around, and Johnson sat at the bar, drinking with the other male captains.

"Hah! Johnson, I need a rematch." stated a rather drunk Kenpachi.

"Later." replied an equally drunk Johnson.

"How... do the changes... feel?" asked Komamura.

"Ticklish..."

Keith pulled himself up on the bar, sipping at his soft drink. Johnson told him that he was too young, and someone needed to keep everything in line.

"Hey... where's Yachiru?"

"RIGHT HERE!"

Yachiru leapt up, climbing onto Kenpachi's shoulder.

"Hey Kenny!"

Kenpachi smiled at the girl.

"Having a nice time?"

"Yep! Tall-chan wanted me to find Johnny-chan, and I thought he would be drinking with you, so-"

"Wait." interrupted Johnson, a sick feeling rising. "Tall-chan?"

SLAM

The doors slammed open, and an irate Isane stormed in.

"Gentlemen, it's been an honor to drink with you."

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!?"

Johnson gripped the bar as the sheer power of her voice nearly knocked him over.

"Uh... here?"

Isane glared, and Johnson felt his anger and shock receding as a hell butterfly flew in.

Yamamoto's voice issued forth. "ALL CAPTAINS TO THE WEST RUKONGAI. CAPTAINS JOHNSON, HITSUGAYA, AND KOMAMURA, BAN KAI AUTHORIZED FOR CONTAINMENT OF THE FIRE."

Bolting up, the alcohol was purged from his system as he ran. Summoning a hell butterfly, he sent a confermation, and picked up his pace, going into Ban Kai as he went. Ahead, he could see the pillar of smoke that suggested fire.

Hitsugaya and Komamura fell into step with him.

"Komamura, keep it from spreading. Toshiro-"

"Hitsugaya-taicho, damnit!"

"-You're with me. I'm going to concentrate the blaze, force it down."

Nodding, the white-haired captain's Ban Kai activated, and he took to the air.

"Komamura?"

"BAN KAI!"

The giant moved towards the inferno, with Johnson smiling, his coat flapping.

_'Can't let them have all the fun.'_

_'Heh. Go for it!'_

Raising one hand, he began to focus his shamanic energies. The other held the giant blade that was Yggdrasil.

"Jormandgund Yggdrasil!"

Unlike his smaller worms, this one burst forth, nearly as wide as Komamura's Ban Kai. Growing, it nearly hit the barrier around the Seireitei before diving down at the fire. In a plume of dust, the fire was extinguished.

"Well... that's new."

Komamura blinked, his Ban Kai fading. "Captain Johnson, it is official. You have the strongest Earth-type zanpakto in the current Gotei 13."

Shrugging, Johnson resealed his blade. "I guess. Hey, who would win in me vs Yamamoto?"

poke.

Turning, Yamamoto was staring at Johnson. "I would, if only because I stabbed you when your back was turned."

"Fair enough... old man."

"Also, the area has been destroyed. So far, only one shinigami has been left without a home."

"Who?"

"Fourth Seat Hanataro Yamada."

As the fourth seat stepped around Yamamoto, Johnson smiled. "Hear that, hanataro? You're bunking with me. Isane can take you to my house, and..."

He leaned down really close to Hanataro's ear.

"...there's a room all to yourself. So, if you find a nice little lady..."

Hanataro simaltaneously blushed, paled, and suffered a nosebleed.

With a laugh, Johnson clasped him on the shoulder, as Isane led the stuttering medic away.

"That was somewhat mean, Captain."

He turned to see Urahara and Yourichi.

"But funny. You can't deny that -Ohdeargodthathurts."

It is a well-documented fact that men have a very... sensitive... spot on their bodies. Now, proper application of a knee to said spot usually results in intense pain on the part of the male, and satisfaction on the part of the attacker, usually female.

In this case, Yourichi had used Shunko to deliver a bone-crunching strike to that particular spot. Johnson stood rooted, his eyes glazing over.

For a moment, Yamamoto, Urahara, and Yourichi thought that he had incredible fortitude. However, it was quickly realized that he was merely paralyzed with pain.

A few minutes later, Isane returned to see Johnson still standing in the same spot.

"Is... he alright?"

Urahara shook his head. "Shunko, knee..."

He made a vague gesture downwards.

"Oh..." Isane felt her legs press together slightly, wincing as if she could feel the pain.

"Oh. Dear. God."

Then, Johnson fell over, Urahara pulling something out of his pocket.

"What's that?"

"The same substance Mayuri used to regrow appendages."

Injecing it, Johnson writhed for a moment, before Yourichi nodded. "Good."

And... the abused area was once again struck.

Urahara flinched as Johnson's eyes rolled back in his head. "Really?"

"He earned it."

Another injection, and Isane held Yourichi back from attacking Johnson again.

"Just because they come back..." started Johnson. "Doesn't mean I don't feel it."

Urahara released benehime and raised a bubble around Johnson as Yourichi broke free. "That's enough."

"Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, eh, Kisuke?"

Nodding, Urahara suddenly felt severe pain in the same reigion.

"O-ow."

And then he was on the ground, Isane holding both hands over her mouth.

"That's it. Both of you."

"P-please... no more..."

"I'm not even sure that will regenerate..."

"Oh god..."

Urahara turned and hurled, Johnson following a second later.

"What's all this?"

Unohana appeared behind Yourichi, looking at the two men groaning on the ground.

"They lied to me-"

And... **The Glare. **"I do NOT want more patients. Is. That. Clear?"

Yourichi nodded. "Now... _Limit of the thousands hands, respectful hands, unable to touch the darkness. Shooting hands unable to reflect the blue sky. The road that basks in light, the wind that ignited the embers, time that gathers when both are together, there is no need to be hesitant, obey my orders. Light bullets, eight bodies, nine items, book of heaven, diseased treasure, great wheel, grey fortress tower. Aim far away, scatter brightly and cleanly when fired!"_

The Goddess of Flash barely got away before the purple orbs formed.

Unohana turned to the two men, still on the ground. "Oh, dear."

Johnson pawed at Urahara, who handed over the vial, which Johnson injected himself with, and then produced a second syringe, and injected Urahara. After a few minutes, they stood up.

"That... was the most painful experience of my life."

Urahara nodded, as Isane came over to Johnson.

"Are... are you alright?"

He nodded, grimacing as he moved. "Ow. I earned that."

She held out a hand to steady him. "Perhaps you should go home."

Nodding, he let her lead him back to his house.

* * *

As he sat down on the bed, Isane stared him down. "You really should take it easy. Barely a day out of the Fourth, and you're working on getting back in!"

"That's the way it rolls in Twelve."

She rolled her eyes, trying not to laugh at the comment. It was true: Under Mayuri, Twelve was only second to Eleven in terms of patients.

Under Johnson, bad recruits were subjected to the Uburrito in the basement. Not much in the way of change.

"Still, you should at least be careful. I can't take care of you all the time."

"Then how about tonight?"

She blushed, and he caught the barest hint of a nosebleed as she realized what, exactly, he meant.

"W-w-well I-I-"

He stood up, closing the gap, gently pulling her into a kiss. Slowly, it escalated, and when they pulled apart, they were both panting.

"Yes."

Then, in a show of aggression, she pushed him back onto the bed.

"Get ready..."

* * *

_Rain poured around him as he gripped the cleaver, the first foot broken off, his coat in tatters._

_Blood dripped from the cuts over his eyes, blinding his right eye. His left arm hung useless, broken. His left leg, too, had a shattered bone in his lower leg. Cuts crisscrossed his body, green highlighted by red._

_"It's over..." the dark figure said, laughing. "I win, Captain."_

_Johnson staggered forward, his cleaver dragging. Ichigo stood next to him, his Ban Kai coat in tatters, hollow mask half obliterated._

_"I am the victor. Surrender."_

_Falling to his knees under the pressure, Johnson tried to release his own energy, only to suddenly be struck in the chest._

_"I know your every move. You cannot win."_

_A hand flashed out, and his vision went black..._

* * *

Johson bolted upright, panting as he awoke. Looking to the side, he saw it was barely three in the morning.

_Damn._

Hearing a soft moan, he turned to see Isane next to him in the bed, reaching out for him.

Smiling, he gave her a kiss on the forehead, before pulling on a pair of pants and leaving for the kitchen.

As he arrived, Hanataro was nervously fidgeting with his hands.

Turning, he saw the Division 12 captain staggering in, rubbing his eyes.

"C-captain!"

"Hn?"

Hanataro blinked. "Are... you alright?"

"Two hours of sleep and a nightmare. No."

Hanataro nodded, producing a pill with a skull. "Here!"

"Yeah... that's a flower pill."

Popping it into his mouth, Hanataro started to protest, but Johnson held up a hand.

"You're either insomniac or nervous to be awake this early. What is it?"

Hanataro blushed. "You see, erm, I-I-"

"Brought a girl home?"

Hanataro swallowed and nodded.

"Congrats. Who?"

Hanataro started trying to work up the courage as Johnson fixed a pot of coffee, before taking a sip.

Unfortunately, the Fourth Division medic chose that particular moment to speak. "Captain Soifon."

Gagging, Johnson spit out his coffee, covering the window in brown.

"You. Brought. Home. Captain. _Soifon!?"_

Hanataro swallowed and nodded. "I-I'm really sorry! But I met her, and-"

Johnson lay a hand on his shoulder. "Hanataro, you successfully bedded the Ice Queen of the Seireitei."

Hanataro blinked, suddenly understanding the gravity of the situation.

* * *

**_In Hell..._**

Satan stared at the icicle hanging off his tail.

"Really? Really? She slept with someone? Wow."

An imp scurried in, slipped, and skewered itself on an icicle.

"Wow..."

* * *

"Wow..."

Johnson could do nothing but blink at Hanataro.

"Uhh... captain?"

Reaching into a pouch, Johnson produced a hell butterfly, before sending it off.

"What was that for?"

"We're seeing Captain Kyoraku. Now."

Nodding, Hanataro followed Captain Johnson as they went to Kyoraku's estate.

As the door opened, Hanataro was greeted by the sight of Kyoraku on his knees, bowing.

"TEACH ME, MASTER!"

Johnson stifled a laugh as Ukitake, Komamura, Kenpachi, and Hitsugaya showed up.

"Congrats, Hanataro. You did the impossible."

Hanataro could only blink as drinks were passed, congratulations offered, and Kenpachi took off his eyepatch to challege Hanataro to a seduction contest- that Kyoraku wanted in on, and Johnson and Hitsugaya shut down.

A few minutes later, Unohana showed up.

Drinks were hidden, tea produced, and even Kenpachi sat down, a small cup in his hand.

As Unohana walked in, she glanced around the room, before glaring at Shunsui.

"What happened?"

"What's what?"

She glared, more intense. "Why is Kenpachi drinking tea, and not sake?"

Everyone in the room tensed. "Ummm..."

"Celebration! And Johnson told me men drink tea."

She nodded. "Also, Captain Soifon and Lieutenant Kotetsu are currently missing. Do you know where they are?"

Before Johnson could stop him, Shunsui told her.

There was a dark, forboding silence, as Unohana took in that her adoptive son slept with Soifon, and her adoptive daughter with Johnson.

"I... see."

The spiritual pressure began to rise, and Johnson placed a hand on Hanataro's shoulder.

"Sorry, that it was over so fast."

Hanataro nodded, while Ukitake stood up.

"Now, Retsu, we can settle this-"

**"Move. Now."**

Nodding, Ukitake stepped aside as Unohana drew her sword.

"Ban Kai."

At those words, Hitsugaya bolted, Kenpachi grinned, Ukitake nearly fainted, and Shunsui felt very bad for his house.

"Now, you defiled Isane-"

"It wasn't just for the sex!"

"And Soifon defiled you..."

"c-c-captain!"

A giant, green beast formed behind Unohana.

Johnson could only blink and stare.

"Cthulu. Damnit."

* * *

**Haha! Johnson and Hanataro get laid, Unohana releases her Old One Ban Kai, and Shunsui is left homeless!**

**Seriously though, the last bit had me laughing... and why are my chapters ending with swears?**

**Yes, there IS a plot... it moves forward next chapter. Whenever that comes. Explanations, suggestions, and a new member of the Wolf line...**

**In any event, my fics are moving forwards again! FREE TIME IS WONDERFUL!**

**TO everyone reading my fics, Happy Halloween, as I doubt that I'll have another update by then.**

**Now, on to other fics...**

**~BigBoom550~**


	10. Update and warning

**To let everyone know, this story is now on hold. It's crack, really, and I don't know where I'm going with it. So, if anyone wants it, it's yours. Feel free to rewrite the whole thing if you want- just let me know, so I can enjoy it too.**


	11. Chapter 11: Alert

And, due to the incredibly crackish nature of this incarnation of 'D. 12's New Captain', and the fact that I looked it over and HATED it, I am going to rewrite it. Some concepts- like the Uburrito- will return. Some, will not. In any event, this will start of under 'Chapter One: A New Kind of Crazy'. Yes, the Bankai cooking sessions will return. As will the Great Panty Raid. I'll add some new bits- Division Twelve vs. The Shinigami Women's Association, the Chicken Incident, Zoombies (Yes, with two O's, Be afraid.), Lovecraftian horrors, Kyoraku's Hat, why Captains don't use helmets for protection, Yamamoto not getting paid enough, massive prank wars, nudity, insanity, badassery... and then we get into the actual Bleach story... hehehe...

Well, Here's an omake that introduces the NEW replacement- Kyoki Senshu, also called 'Madness Incarnate'.

* * *

"Wow."

"Yep."

Kyoki smiled as he ran, his pants on his head and his sword glued to his nose.

"I AM PINNOCHIO!"  
Akon and Thomas both watched as the man ran straight into a wall, tripped, broke his Zanpakto off his face, and skidded several dozen feet.

"Ow."

Thomas winced. "This is the guy replacing me?"

"PIANOS!"

Akon nodded. "Sadly. Well, at least you were functional."

"No, no, I know the guy." Thomas defended. "This is what he's like when he's bored... word of advice- Don't piss him off. Hard to do, but..." he looked over to where Kyoki was- apparently- attempting to strangle a tree with his pants using his face. "...Yeah, I'm not even going to comment on that."


End file.
